I can feel it in my bones... or rather my lack of bone aches. I usually hurt so badly when I get up in the morning. I've had a bad back for as long as I can remember and the weight doesn't help a thing. I got this new pillow - it's a memory foam body pillow, and last night was my first night sleeping with it. Heaven! Everytime I woke up I was wrapped around the thing. It's my new bedtime buddy... sorry honey, move over. LOL. Just kidding honey.
My little girl Abby, who is 7, has started lately setting her alarm for 6:30 (when I get up) so she can spend some alone time with Mommy. I'm proud of her. She saw a need in herself and figure out a way to fill it. It is very hard these days to get alone time with Mommy. We have four kids and a 3 bedroom ranch house with no basement. Alone time is kind of a myth in our house. I admit I am enjoying very much that half hour with my little one. We usually snuggle on the couch for five minutes and then get up and have breakfast together. this morning we had "shakes" together. I made my regular breakfast protein shake, and in my other blender cup she had a strawberry carnation instant breakfast with blueberries in so it looked just like mommy's. Sitting at the table in the soft light of breaking morning sipping our shakes through straws and just looking at each other. These are the things she and I will remember long after we've forgotten the trip to the amusement park. These are the moments I want to have more of. On Saturday I spent an hour or two making a Lemon Battery with my 9 year old son. I know now how batteries are made (acid, zinc and copper - or in our case Lemon (acid), copper wire, and galvanized nails (coated in zinc). It takes about 4 lemons to power a 1.7 volt red LED. 6 does not make it any brighter. I didn't know any of that before making this with my son. Gosh, Never stop learning. Your kids have stuff to teach you, so does everyone you come in contact with if you'll just listen.
Okay, I promised I'd talk about things I'm looking forward to.. I guess you'd call them goals.. I call them my skinny girl dreams. Here's my top 20.
1. Not having to lift up my stomach to see underneath it. I know that is just a gross picture, but it's true. Most of my fat congregates around my middle. It's the most unhealthy shape to be, another reason I am so committed. After reading about how my fat is probably all around my organs choking them to death since I am apple shaped, getting rid of my stomach and that visceral fat is really something I'm looking forward to, for cosmetic and health reasons both.
2. Being able to bend over while sitting. God help me if I have to pick up something in the car. I sound like a sick hippo or something, with all the grunting and groaning and ugghing. I squeeze the breath out of my lungs trying to bend over while I'm sitting. I pray for longer arms...reaaaaaach. That will be wonderful!
3. Having more grace. Truthfully, I will never be as graceful as a gazelle. My mom used to call me a "bull in a china shop" (which actually they tested out on Mythbusters and found that bulls are actually quite nimble and can run all around a china shop and not break a thing, go figure!!) and I admit I don't always take in all my surroundings. I tend to have tunnel vision when I've got someplace to be and I'll admit I sometimes bump into people and don't even notice. Only my spouse or whoever is with me pointing it out will show me. But I remember last time I lost a lot of weight before the divorce that I felt SO much more graceful because I was LITERALLY lighter on my feet. I could do more so I felt more capable, and I think it MADE me more capable just to feel more capable. I was more aware of standing up straight when I was lighter. I tend to slouch way to much when I'm heavy. I am looking forward to being more graceful and just fitting places. I never quite got to the place where the airplane seatbelt wouldn't fit or I couldnt' fit in the movie chairs, but I did get to where I sometimes worried about it, and to where sitting in a booth in a restaurant could be a close fit. I'm looking forward to that not even crossing my mind.
4. Not always wondering if people are thinking about how fat I am. I know that is so negative, but I always wonder how my weight affects people's perception of me. I know many people think of fat people as lazy, undisciplined people. I am not lazy and not ... very.... undisciplined. (LOL). I work very hard every day taking care of my family. I am not sitting on the couch watching tv and eating bonbons. It makes me mad that people are judged because of their weight. You know my daughter (we are a blended family and she is my stepdaughter) is 13. She is very very thin. She eats like a horse. She just has a metabolism and genes from her mom's side of the family that makes her thin. She gets judged at school. People accuse her of having anorexia (which if they saw her eat would be so laughable) or bulimia. It makes her upset. she hates her skinny white long legs because people make fun of her. She is absolutely beautiful and I can't figure it out. Truth is some people just want to make you feel bad or make themselves feel better. I know this in my head, but in my heart I just want to think that if people are snickering about me it's because I am one weird chick, not because I'm fat.
5. on a more upbeat note. I'm looking forward to shopping for clothes in the normal size section. I had just gotten there when the divorce happened. I had bought a few things in size 14... it lasted so briefly I really didn't get to enjoy it. what I want to wear is dresses. I look horrible in dresses right now. I just look like a big sausage in anything one piece, bathing suit, dress, anything. I love those knee length sun dresses that come out in the summer. Some of them I can't wear regardless because I am a busty girl and need a good bra and good bras are very infrequently compatible with little spaghetti strap sundresses, but still, I would really love to just wear a sundress with some nice wide fabric straps to cover my brastraps and tucked in at the waist with a little twirly skirt. I get jealous when I see those beautiful clothes that smaller girls can wear. I WANT to shop in the petites section and find pants that are the right length. It's very hard to find petite big girl sizes. VERY hard. I don't know if I'm getting too old for knee length sundresses and I don't really care. I'm gonna wear them anyway. with a vengeance!
6. Looking forward so much to being able to play with my kids and not get worn out or out of breath so fast.
7. Looking forward to playing woman's softball with my church next season without worrying about my weight getting in the way. I tried for the first time this year and I thought it was so fun, but my weight really did take away from the enjoyment. I felt self conscious because EVERYTHING moves independently when I run... boobs, belly... all in a different rhythm. I know it looks funny. I've seen myself. My husband has told me. (not to be mean, just to be truthful). It's embarrassing. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. I look forward to being fleeter of foot and stronger and being a real asset to my team.
8. Looking forward to looking nice in a bathing suit. I want to learn how to REALLY swim. I can swim, but I want to be a GOOD swimmer. I want to take lessons. I'm going to when I am thinner. I'm going to learn how to be confident in the water.
9. I'm looking forward to my Asthma improving. Not having to carry around an extra 100 pounds will help my lungs. That's the bottom line.
10. Looking forward to having more energy just because I am fit and properly fueling my body.
11. Looking forward to learning how to love healthy foods over unhealthy
12. Looking forward to kicking the sugar habit. I want to control the sugar that goes into my body, not have the sugar control me. Sugar is literally like my heroine. When I gained back all that weight after the divorce it was milk duds that caused it. I started going to movies a LOT. I went whenever my ex had the kids, to get my mind off the fact that my left arm and right leg weren't with me. I'd have a pack of milk duds. Well, guess what? I seemed to do fine and not gain any weight if I had a pack every time I went to the movies. So, I thought, what's one at home now and then. At some point I tipped that scale. I ate one too many of those evil little balls of deliciousness. The sugar cravings I thought I had beaten came back in full force and it was a downward spiral from there...or an upward spiral I should say... up in weight. I am determined that sugar will be a treat in my life from now on, not an every day occurrence. It is and always has been my downfall and I plan on putting this evil substance in it's place once and for all!
13. I am looking forward to my kids being able to hug me all the way around without having to team up.
14. I am looking forward to being able to get closer to my hubby. literally. with my big belly gone, and hopefully some of my new habits will reduce his belly size...we'll be able to get a good 8 or 9 inches closer when we cuddle. Can't beat that!
15. speaking of getting closer, I'm looking forward to an increased libido. I believe it will come with the weight loss for two reasons. One, I will feel healthier and stronger and have more energy at the end of the day. two, I will feel so much sexier. If I feel sexy I'll be sexy. My hubby has always found me sexy, but if I feel sexy too, I feel it will only make things so much better. Sorry if I got to personal, but it IS on my top 20 list. Gotta keep that fire burning!
16. Looking forward to trying fun new things I've always been scared to try. My kids go to the mall here in Lawrenceville. It has a cool thing where you get strapped into a harness and jump up and down on a big trampoline. you can do flips and stuff while you are up there. I've always wanted to try it. It looks so fun. I always worried I'd get in line and they'd say "sorry, the harness doesn't fit you, or sorry you are too heavy". Also, they weigh you so they know how to set the straps. I'm too embarrassed to let them know my weight! Also, if I could fit in it, and I wasn't embarrassed about my weight, all I could think of was what my BUTT would look like suspended in that harness 20 feet up in the air. Oh no. Well, I'm going to go bouncing... and I'm going to climb stone mountain, and I'm going to go geocaching with my family, and I'm going to go swimming, and I'm going to try water skiing if I get the chance ever. I won't be as scared to try new things if I feel good in my body, and if I'm strong!
17. I'm looking forward to making new friends. Ever since my friend Idaho Lisa left for Idaho (I call her Idaho Lisa so my husband knows who I am talking about when I mention her) I haven't had a close friend to get together over diet coke or tea and have a talk. I miss it a lot. I hope somewhere in this journey of connecting and reaching out I'll find that special friendship that I miss so much. Getting together for an hour or two each week at "our deli" for breakfast was something I treasured. Being able to share each other's triumphs, failures and faith was so wonderful. It's the one big thing I currently find missing from my life. As we get older it is harder I think to find someone whose life you can fit into and they into yours. This is a prayer of mine. That the friend I need will come along, and that she will need me too.
18. I'm looking forward to feeling like less of an outsider. I am not SURE this will happen with the weight loss. This may be just who I am. How I feel. I never feel like I fit in. I know I am a great friend. I'm loyal, I'm not judgmental. My good friends stay my good friends for years. I have just been very unlucky with either me having to move or my good friends having to move. So I know I can connect with people and I know I am a really good friend, but yet I still always feel like I am on the outside of life looking in. I can't seem to insert myself into the picture. I don't know if it is a confidence issue or what. Maybe I need therapy to get to the bottom of this. LOL. hmmm.... maybe I really do. I'm hoping through this journey that somehow, someway I'll feel more a part of things.
19. I'm hoping that my moods and my perimenopause symptoms will improve with the health and weight loss, and supplements. I am hoping I'll hit that magic combination where I am healthy in body soul and spirit.
20. I'm looking forward to growing closer to the Lord Jesus through this Journey. Though I don't always feel like it or act like it, he IS the center of my world. I oftentimes forget in the business of life that he wants me to succeed in Him, to grow in Him and to learn in Him. I am going to make a real effort to take the time I need to be with him daily in prayer and reading, and to ask him for the guidance to make this all happen. I know that as my time and commitment to my Lord increases, so will my Joy. I ask if you are a praying person, to pray for me. To pray for my commitment to my new lifestyle and to my Lord. That as one grows so will the other.
For Today, Blessings, Tanya
p.s. tomorrow I'll be writing on something I've been thinking about since I went to church and listened to the sermon on Sunday.. Forgiveness and weight loss.
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