What a week. Really, that's all I can say. It started with my getting some kind of stomach upset that had me stopping for emergency bathroom breaks on the way to and back from dropping the kids off at school, and praying to the Lord at the Red Light by my house to please please let me get home before I had to poop my pants like a two year old. Now, when you pray that prayer, let me tell you it is a fervent one! Thankfully, that day the Lord answered my prayer in the affirmative and I was able to rush into the house past the confused puppies who were wondering who that blur was, and make it to the bathroom just in time. whew!
Now, I am used to being in pain. I have chronic back and neck pain, and I've given birth twice. Usually when I feel bad, I just get up and keep going. After all, I've got stuff to do, kids to raise. I'm by no means a woman who lets a headache or a bodyache or even bronchitis keep her down. I once went to a trade show with walking pneumonia, because I just really didn't want to miss it. I can keep going in the worst of cases, but when I have something wrong with my intestines or stomach... when something is coming out the bottom or the top, I become a pitiful mess. I start feeling sorry for myself. I just feel gross, and don't want to be near other people at all. I actually don't even want to be touched. So I felt like that for a few days.. and it was accompanied by some weird vertigo that had me feeling like I was going to fall down every time I got up!
My husband and I had a huge fight the other night. I mean, big. yep. We're over it now, but that stuck with me too. I envy his ability to just let it go when it is over. With me, it hurts for days and weeks and months sometimes. I don't like feeling bad towards him, and I don't like him feeling bad towards me. It just makes me really sad!
Speaking of fighting, my ex husband and I have been fighting over the custody schedule for two weeks. It's getting ugly, no matter how hard I try to keep it nice. He's impossible. I'm determined to get a schedule that is good for the kids, that is workable long term. That has them living as normal a life as possible with the least amount of back and forth craziness between our houses (we live an hour apart). This whole process had me rocking and crying yesterday, on the verge of a panic attack. I haven't had one of those in a long time, but my ex can make me crazy. He scares me to no end. He's the coldest person I know. Even my kids say he never smiles "unless he's telling a joke or being in a picture". I know they love him and he loves them, and that is why I keep trying so hard to make him happy in all this, when nothing has ever made him happy and I fear nothing really ever will.
We had parent teacher conferences for three of our four kids last week. Let's just say only one of them is normal! I say this with a laugh, but really, my heart was broken in many ways. My youngest son has such a poor attitude towards learning and his woman teachers that I'm at my wits end (and so is his teacher). Being as I'm new in his life, and I don't know what happened to him before I came along, it is hard to know where it comes from. His dad thinks it may come from what he did or didn't get from his mom before she passed away. With him being at work all day we don't know what was said or done that might have harmed his little psychological well being.. We know only that she stopped feeding him properly when her disease took hold of her, but we don't know what else might have been said or not said, done or not done. We don't know what seeing her bedridden for the last year of her life did to him, and we don't know, frankly, what her dying did to him. We are thankful I am here and that he readily made me his mommy in his heart and mind, but this mommy worries so much about what to do to help him make his way along in this world amidst the constant negativity he brings to his work and school life. He is making slow improvements, but they need to be faster if he has hope of moving up and it is so hard to be on him and on him, when all you really want to do is scoop his little blong self up in your arms and love him until all the bad goes away. If only you could love the bad away, he'd be the happiest most well adjusted child in the world. He has so much love.
My oldest son is academically shining, but socially he's falling apart. His Asperger's is causing him no end of grief in the social field, and I couldn't help crying when his teacher told me that she found him crying in the playground one day and he told her "I am the most unfortunate and unhappy boy in this whole school". (yes, he really talks that way). He has a real persecution complex and thinks if somebody looks at him wrong that he is being shunned and hated. Most of the kids at his small private Christian school are as sweet as can be to him, but he can't always see it. He's emotionally fragile, and changes make him worked up. His teacher says his disconnect and disorganization will catch up to him in older grades if he doesn't get them together. She says right now his innate intelligence is helping make up for those shortcomings, but won't forever. The worst thing is, she says she sees ANGUISH in him. I've seen the same anguish. I don't know what to do for him anymore. I've given all the mommy love and encouragement I can. I have a friend who has a great counsellor for Asperger's kids. I'm calling insurance to see if he is covered.
My little girl is fine, thank God. The teacher said she sometimes seems like she's lacking a bit of confidence. Oh well. That is the least of my worries!!! She's doing great in school, she makes friends, she keeps friends, she plays well, she works hard and she is cooperative and happy. HIgh point of my week.
Oldest girl is currently failing grade 8. She blames herself saying she didn't hand things in because she was lazy or socializing. We're taking her to the doctor to see if we can get her a new ADD drug to help her focus. Her brother's new meds are really helping him, and they have the same kind of metabolism so we're hoping it might help her too.
We're trying so hard to be good parents. It is hard to admit that some of your kids problems are beyond what you can help. Discipline and love don't take care of everything. Prayer doesn't even seem to. Although I know the Lord will lead us where we need to be to help the kids. Waiting on his perfect timing is never easy though.
All this stress made my week in health goals go badly. I gained 3 pounds for the first time since I started this journey. My metabolism shuts off if I miss a meal and I missed lots this week because of 1) feeling nauseous 2) stress 3) distraction of dealing with my ex all day and working on the stupid custody schedule or 4) the stupid budget. It is always so easy to think "why do I try" and to think "why don't I just eat what I want and be happy with who I am!" Stress makes you go "this is too hard". It makes it easy to say yes when Jackson says "Mommy, do you want a pixie stick? I got it trick or treating!" That was a good pixie stick. stupid,stupid,stupid. Short term pleasure, long term pain.
My week was looking up when my good friend Leah invited me to her halloween party. I took the two kids that were home and my husband and we showed up (about two hours late, which is a whole other story). Sometime around the time I left I realized my husband was not acting right. I made him let me drive, and by the time we got to Leah's I was downright worried. He was loopy and swaying. Nothing he said made sense and he was seeing stuff that wasn't there. Long story short, my friend and I were concerned enough to call the paramedics and we ended up in the hospital until 2:30 in the morning. I thought my husband was having some kind of neurological issue. He just had open heart surgery in May, and I was worried that here I was again, maybe going to lose him to a stroke or something. I was panicked to tell the truth. I didn't show it. I acted really calm. Although he doesn't know this, and would never believe it, I am actually great in an actual crisis. He's never seen me in an actual crisis, but I've been in a couple, and when I am I get preternaturally calm. I am able to cope well. I might break down when it is all over, but during I am fine. Last night was like that. I was calm and even joking on the outside, but on the inside I was on the verge of panic. I couldn't figure out for the life of me what was wrong with my husband. It was pretty much a case of "That boy, he just ain't right!". After my first ride in the front of an ambulance, and many hours of waiting in the ER and listening to my husband say funny yet alarming things (do you see the patterns on that poster moving? is this new poster technology? Is there a screen between me and you, because it looks like there's a screen right there in the middle of the room!) it was determined that he had a negative reaction to some medicine. He was going to be fine. Thank God.
He told me to apologize to Leah for ruining her party. She graciously said "tell him he didn't ruin it, just made it more exciting!" Did I mention how much my friends rock? I love you Leah. At any rate, my halloween was truly a horror. I would trade this week for another, easier week. I would do that. I would love to do that, but I've come to believe that everything in life is for a reason, so I'm asking the Lord to teach me from this week, to use it to make my kids happier and healthier, my husband and I closer, my faith stronger, and my determination greater to keep fighting the good fight and running the race with endurance.
Hello new week, I love you, and may we be good friends!
Blessings, Tanya
