Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Never, never, never, give up. (or, did I mention that you should not give up?)

I almost gave up there for a minute.

I think it started on my daughters 15th birthday on the 14th of August with this Perry the platypus cake I made.

Isn't it cute? Yeah, it was also really huge (it took me 3.5 sheet cakes to make it), and most devastatingly, extremely yummy. I allowed myself one small piece. Then every time I opened the fridge he was staring at me saying "eat me, I'm yummy". My willpower crumbled to pieces and I listened to the call of Perry for a good three or four days until the cake was gone, largely eaten by yours truly. Did I mention it had raspberry jam between the layers??? MMMMM.

So here's what you need to know about me and sugar. I'm truly an addict. I have this tipping point I've noticed over the years as I've tried so many times to conquer this enemy. I can eat a little pure sugar, but as soon as I hit this point of no return it is like it triggers an avalanche and I can't stop. I want to stop. I know as I eat the food, or buy the food, that I really need to stop, but I just can't seem to. I know I'm going backwards, falling off the wagon, digging myself a pit, but I can't bring myself to care when the lure of the sugary treat is in front of me. This is what happened after my cake binge... my sugar cravings came back in such force I was almost crippled by them. If it was in the house and it was sweet, I would eat it. Sometimes I would cry as I ate it, knowing it was a mistake. Wishing I could stop. My strength was gone.

Dominos.

That's what it's like. You don't feel good because you aren't eating right, so you don't want to go to the gym because you feel tired and sluggish and just bad about yourself... you don't exercise so you are even more tired and sluggish and when it's time to eat you just grab the nearest (sweet) thing. Too much thought to try to think of something healthy. Too much work to make it. Now you are getting depressed and discouraged because you've done so badly.

Dominos. Crashing down.

This is where I was Sunday at church. Depressed and crashing and out of control completely. Just a few weeks post Biggest Loser win, I was truly feeling like a real loser. Each morning I'd vow to get back on track and each morning I'd eat an oatmeal creme cake (or two) and cry. I know that sounds completely pitiful, but anyone who has ever been in the grip of any kind of addiction can attest to the fact that when it is in control, it is in control - and you are entirely out of control. Some people don't believe you can have a sugar addiction, or a food addiction, and to those people I just respectfully will have to agree to disagree. This is something that has had me in it's grip for the better part of 25 years now. I've tried repeatedly to conquer it, and I've repeatedly lost the battle. I've repeatedly given up because it was too hard, and too painful, and took just so much of my energy. I've repeatedly felt the fear of wondering if I was just going to slowly and methodically eat myself to death. I've been committing suicide the slow way for more than half of my life.

I cried out to my friends on sunday at church. I begged them to pray for me. They did. They are, and one of those friends (I love you Julie) texted me and asked me look up all the scriptures I could find on strength in the bible and to pick one or two that spoke to me and to post them in my house.

This one especially spoke to me: He gives strength to the weary and increases the strength of the weak. Isaiah 40:29 

I am weary, and I am weak. He gives strength to me. It's a promise. He increases my strength. It's a promise. Oh Jesus, how I love you. I don't have to be strong, because you will be strong for me.

It was freeing somehow. I decided to face the facts and see where my three week binge had gotten me. My trainer said "no, Tanya, don't do it!" but I assured her that my head was in the right place now to deal with what I saw on the scale.  I had gotten to 199.8. This morning I was 206.2. Okay, big deal. 6.5 pounds more or less. I can take care of that in two weeks of training and eating right. It wasn't as bad a gain as I had imagined it was going to be.

All the oatmeal creme pies are gone. I ate them. I won't be getting any more and my hubby has promised not to bring any in the house either.  There are no other snacks in the house I can't resist. I'm set up for success.  I read a poster this morning, and it said "The beginning is always the hardest. If you are tired of starting over, stop giving up!" 

Yeah, I'll be putting that on the wall too.

This time, unlike all the other times, I will never give up. No matter what my setbacks I will remember that I am fighting for my life, literally. This addiction will kill me slow or kill me fast, but it will kill me if I don't take it on, and with the help of God, beat it once and for all.

Back on the wagon. Sometimes I wish I could go cold turkey on food. But obviously, THAT would not end well. I'm back at the gym. Monday to Friday. I'm committed. The food I am working on. I don't know if it will ever stop being a battle, but I'm encouraged to remember that my strength does not come from me, but from the one who never grows weary or faints. When I fall, He will pick me up, and he will never quit on me. So I'm never going to quit on him. Yep, back in the saddle girl.

Never, never, never, never, never, never quit. You'll just have to start all over again.