Wow, she's been horrible. For the last week, ever since high school registration, my almost 14 year old daughter has been ready to pick a fight with anyone! I've been trying to give her tons of grace because I remember how scary that first day of high school was. I remember how scary most days of high school were for that matter. This morning she wasn't awful. This morning she was excited, and nervous, and a bundle of energy.
Now, I didn't give birth to Elizabeth. Another mother had that privilege, but Elizabeth has been born again in my heart, and she's MINE. 100 percent. I watched her this morning, through her bedroom window, pacing alone back and forth, back and forth. She went from the tree to the bush, and back to the tree, weaving slightly like she'd had too much to drink too early in the morning. (6:15 for pete's sake!). I think it was really the weight of her colossal messenger style book bag, pulling her to one side, almost bigger than her slight frame. So small, and so young, and thinking she's so big and so old. My baby.
I'll tell you something. A mother doesn't give birth just once in a lifetime. It's like she's giving birth again and again, releasing her child from a protective womb, into the bright light and coldness of the world. Like a million small births, or maybe a million small deaths... sometimes they feel similar. Never in life is Joy so intimately mingled with fear as when we let our children go, step by small step, into the big cruel world.
Off drove the bus, out of my view, and out of my control, and into God's hands. Lord, hold her and bring her home safe and happy, I pray. It's her first day of school.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
T minus 6.
Well, it is T minus 6 days until homeschooling starts. Last thursday I headed off to my homeschooling conference with trepidation in my heart, and nothing but my bible and my Pollyanna spirit still clinging somewhere to a thread of hope. Pollyanna has been really battered and bruised these last few years but she keeps poking her head up and going "why not? just why not". Well, Pollyanna and I went in with a clean notebook and a good pen thinking that surely taking really good notes would be the answer to all my many problems with my precious little boy.
Well, it isn't quite that easy. However, a lot of notes, a couple of FABULOUS speakers, and a whole boatload of encouragement from other homeschoolers on the floor of the expo later, I came out with Pollyanna at full bound. (well, not at full bound, her FEET really hurt after 3 full days at expo). She was limping very very happily along though. God is so good. Through the speakers and the encouragement and prayer, God changed my heart and opened my eyes to what my son really needs. It isn't about the fact that Jackson really needs to learn to read. It isn't about the fact that he's doing first grade work for the third time. It isn't about MY need for him to succeed on the same level as all my other kids. It isn't even about his frustrating behavior issues. What it is really about is that I have a little boy who has anxiety that is just through the roof when it comes to schooling, and that he has forgotten that learning is fun and rewarding. My job is not to teach him to read. I have a reading expert who is going to help with that. My main job is to remind him that learning is fun, that he is smart and wonderful just the way he is, and that he can accomplish anything he sets his mind to. Yes, he needs to learn, and I intend to teach him. I just intend to do it in the kindest and gentlest way I can conceive of. He's been beat down too much in his young life. He's had too many times when he didn't get what he really needed. He's had too many times when we didn't do better because we didn't know better. Thankfully, through therapy and observation we've come closer to really understanding what is making this complex little boy tick, and it's time for Jackson to get everything he needs, no matter what it takes.
I found a great curriculum through ACE education. It's a Christian curriculum, which I love, but more importantly the whole entire curriculum for his grade is written with built in helps for reading, like gray shaded silent letters, lines over the long vowels, etc. I think these built in clues will help his reading along. I found a science curriculum that has Jackson BEGGING to start homeschool. It is ALL experiments, and a lab journal. No textbooks, just hands on learning. I am wild about this curriculum. I have bought him the Electricity unit and in 12 weeks we can move on to other fascinating experiments and learning such as Polymers, rocks and minerals, robotics, food science, newton's law, etc, etc. I had so much trouble deciding where to start! I bought a few art books, that will just be us cutting and coloring and pasting together, and I bought about 6 different educational games that we'll be starting the day with each day, and using for "breaks" from the more difficult work. A can of shaving cream on a cookie sheet will have him practicing his letter formation without having to pick up a pencil and do his most hated pencil work. a stick in the dirt, and a finger through salt, will do the same. I'll be getting some extra special lego kits and he'll be using legos to narrate stories to me, building and acting out his favorite parts. I'll be getting a lot of books for us to read together. Him to me, me to him. I hope I can awake that spark that's been dulled by two years of "failure" in school. Two years of not quite being able to keep up with his peers. two years of feeling he's stupid. I hate that a little boy has to feel that way, especially when he's a smart, insightful little boy, and nothing like stupid! I'm excited to start, and I'm hoping it goes well. I'm hoping he'll cooperate in the process, and that he'll like what I have planned for him. I'm hoping he makes progress and can catch up with his classmates. I'm hoping a lot for him, and praying for the best, but I will feel a success if I can bring him and I closer together, lower his anxiety, and open him up to learning again. That will be a success. Pray for us. It's T minus 6, and Pollyanna is ready.
Well, it isn't quite that easy. However, a lot of notes, a couple of FABULOUS speakers, and a whole boatload of encouragement from other homeschoolers on the floor of the expo later, I came out with Pollyanna at full bound. (well, not at full bound, her FEET really hurt after 3 full days at expo). She was limping very very happily along though. God is so good. Through the speakers and the encouragement and prayer, God changed my heart and opened my eyes to what my son really needs. It isn't about the fact that Jackson really needs to learn to read. It isn't about the fact that he's doing first grade work for the third time. It isn't about MY need for him to succeed on the same level as all my other kids. It isn't even about his frustrating behavior issues. What it is really about is that I have a little boy who has anxiety that is just through the roof when it comes to schooling, and that he has forgotten that learning is fun and rewarding. My job is not to teach him to read. I have a reading expert who is going to help with that. My main job is to remind him that learning is fun, that he is smart and wonderful just the way he is, and that he can accomplish anything he sets his mind to. Yes, he needs to learn, and I intend to teach him. I just intend to do it in the kindest and gentlest way I can conceive of. He's been beat down too much in his young life. He's had too many times when he didn't get what he really needed. He's had too many times when we didn't do better because we didn't know better. Thankfully, through therapy and observation we've come closer to really understanding what is making this complex little boy tick, and it's time for Jackson to get everything he needs, no matter what it takes.
I found a great curriculum through ACE education. It's a Christian curriculum, which I love, but more importantly the whole entire curriculum for his grade is written with built in helps for reading, like gray shaded silent letters, lines over the long vowels, etc. I think these built in clues will help his reading along. I found a science curriculum that has Jackson BEGGING to start homeschool. It is ALL experiments, and a lab journal. No textbooks, just hands on learning. I am wild about this curriculum. I have bought him the Electricity unit and in 12 weeks we can move on to other fascinating experiments and learning such as Polymers, rocks and minerals, robotics, food science, newton's law, etc, etc. I had so much trouble deciding where to start! I bought a few art books, that will just be us cutting and coloring and pasting together, and I bought about 6 different educational games that we'll be starting the day with each day, and using for "breaks" from the more difficult work. A can of shaving cream on a cookie sheet will have him practicing his letter formation without having to pick up a pencil and do his most hated pencil work. a stick in the dirt, and a finger through salt, will do the same. I'll be getting some extra special lego kits and he'll be using legos to narrate stories to me, building and acting out his favorite parts. I'll be getting a lot of books for us to read together. Him to me, me to him. I hope I can awake that spark that's been dulled by two years of "failure" in school. Two years of not quite being able to keep up with his peers. two years of feeling he's stupid. I hate that a little boy has to feel that way, especially when he's a smart, insightful little boy, and nothing like stupid! I'm excited to start, and I'm hoping it goes well. I'm hoping he'll cooperate in the process, and that he'll like what I have planned for him. I'm hoping he makes progress and can catch up with his classmates. I'm hoping a lot for him, and praying for the best, but I will feel a success if I can bring him and I closer together, lower his anxiety, and open him up to learning again. That will be a success. Pray for us. It's T minus 6, and Pollyanna is ready.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)