It's a disorder that dates back to Cain, as he beat his brother Abel to death at the dawn of humanity. It's ANGER, and I've just had to admit to myself that it's a disorder I've acquired over the last year.... or at least it's the last year that I've realized I've got anger that can get out of control faster than a hummingbird can flap its little wings.
I've always thought I was not a very angry person. I didn't understand people who seemed angry all the time, and I've always had somewhat of a modified Pollyanna kind of attitude towards life. Since I married my new husband Josh though, I've realized that nobody on earth has the power to make me as mad, as fast, as he does. It is really quite bizarre. I lived for 14 years with an emotionally abusive spouse and I think I screamed out loud maybe twice. Now I live with a man who really loves me and I'm so angry I can't even control myself. I will find myself screaming at him so loud I hurt my throat for two days! It's gotten to where I'm disturbed about how mad he can make me. I don't remember ever getting that angry in the past, and I've had lots of reason too.
There are lots of things I can blame it on. Peri-menopause is messing with my hormones big time, no mistaking that. I have a history of depression. Life is really a lot more stressful with a family of six than it was with a family of three. Four kids will drive anybody crazy. I'm overly busy and under rested. I haven't been in the word of God enough. However, the real thing at the bottom of this I think, is that I have a bullheaded, cocky (sorry, he would say that it's confident, but I feel it spills over into cocky) husband who wants everything his way all the time and happens to be more than a tad OCD in my humble opinion. I love this man more than I've loved any man in my entire life, but his family and friends will tell you that he is simply, and excuse my language in advance, a pain in the ass a lot of the time. (Before you read on know that any negative thing I might mention about my husband, is most probably matched by two negative things in my nature. This is really not supposed to be about his shortcomings, but MINE, in the inability to control my own anger)
It is something about THIS relationship that is sparking the anger. I'm not any more angry at the kids (at least not 99 percent of the time). It is Josh I get angry at. There seems to be a fundamental problem with our communication. I can't figure out how to remedy it. I say something and he hears something completely different. He says something and I hear something completely different. For people whose souls (I hate to use that term.. I want to gag whenever I hear soul mate.... I really think our only soul mate ought to be Jesus) are very similar - our core values are almost identical - we have a real heck of a time trying to understand each other. He spends a lot of time talking to me loudly and slowly like I'm mentally handicapped, and I spend a lot of time saying "huh?" and "what do you mean?" and "what does that have to do with what we were talking about?" and simply "you're just weird honey".
Now many women complain that their husband never talks to them. I don't have that problem. My husband will talk at length to anybody at anytime about anything. Including me. Frankly, he rarely shuts up. It's the fact that very little is getting communicated to me during this talking that builds frustration. I just feel like we talk and talk and it doesn't lead to any better understanding between us. It seems that the same issues come up again and again and never get resolved. We will be fine for a few weeks or a month and then I will blow up over something that I've blown up about before and we'll fight the same fight we fought before, and I'm left emotionally drained, guilty (did we scream in front of the kids?), and wondering what I am doing wrong.
Something has got to change. We're not in trouble. I mean it isn't like we're thinking of divorce or any such thing. We love each other deeply and we are committed for life. It is that exact reason that drives me to seek a solution to this recurring issue and my ever building anger. I'm going to be making us an appointment this week with a counselor. Hopefully she can teach us how to better hear each other. My wonderful husband is willing to go or do whatever it takes. He doesn't enjoy these arguments any more than I do (although he gets over them a lot quicker than I do, one of his very positive traits. he does NOT hold a grudge).
The last fight was last week. It was over a discipline issue with our youngest son. I had to go apologize to the children that they had to hear me yell and I promised I was going to do whatever it took not to yell in front of them anymore. I plan to keep that promise. If we need to go out to the car and yell in there, so be it. Better though, if we could both learn not to yell. What good is yelling?
When I went to apologize to my son Sammy he saw that I was upset and had been crying. Tears came to his eyes (for those of you who read my last post, yes, Empathy is starting to come..) and he said how he hates it when I am sad. Then he quoted me the bible. He said, ever so gently and lovingly, "Mommy, you know in the bible it says 'do not let the sun go down on your anger.'" he choked it out past tears. This, of course, made my tears flow ever more freely. Any of my kids quoting the word or singing worship songs almost immediately sets me to crying on a good day. This was a bad day. I thanked him for sharing the wisdom of the word of God with me as I murmured my love and promises to do better into the soft folds of his little neck. Then the head of my seven year old Jackson appeared upside down like a little blond headed bat from the top bunk and grinned at me. "I forgive you mommy. I love you", and Sammy added "we all make mistakes". Who can go to bed angry with that kind of love in your life? I said a quick prayer right there. "Lord, don't let the sun go down on me. Clean my heart of bitterness and anger," and he did. For now.
Now it's up to me. And Josh. And the counselor. And almighty God. (look at all that bad grammar in a row!!). I'm never going to stop working on my issues, our issues, whatever. I want to be old on my front porch with this man, rocking away with some grandbabies on my knee. I want us to look at each other and smile. I want people in restaurants to smile and go "look at that cute old couple holding hands. they look like newlyweds." Yes, I'm willing to work hard for that. I've had to work hard for everything good in my life, why should this be any different?
So it's time to publish my post and go pick up the phone and make an appt. While I'm at it I'll make one for myself privately, for Jackson, who I'm pretty sure has oppositional defiant disorder (at least it doesn't start with A!), and for Sammy (who has to live with Josh and Jackson, need I say more) and for Elizabeth (who just wants somebody to talk to who isn't her Mom or Dad). I'm starting to think I ought to make a family appointment just to air our grievances in a safe place and to give Abby (the baby, and our most well adjusted normal child) a chance to see the counselor too. I wouldn't want her to feel left out. Boy, do we sound messed up. I'm chancing a guess though, that as families go, we aren't all that odd. Everyone has baggage, just not all families have a full luggage set like ours does.
Wish us luck, but more importantly, pray for the counselor! lol! The Cockrell's are about to descend on her!
