Wow, you know, some things just make me happy. My favorite movie of all time is the sound of music. One of my favorite things to do is give people happy surprises. These people combined both of these when they surprised a crowd in an Antwerp Belgium Train Station. I LOVE THIS. Yes, I've seen it before, but everytime I see it I get the biggest goofiest smile on my face. I read that they had only two rehearsals before they pulled off this incredible stunt! Enjoy.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
budget blues.
A budget tells us what we can't afford, but it doesn't keep us from buying it.
William Feather
If we do not discipline ourselves the world will do it for us.
William Feather
William Feather, my new "go to" guy for quotes that drive the knife deep and twist it around a bit. I spent the three hours my little ones were in school today, and the five hours after they got home, glued to my computer screen trying to get a grip on a family budget. oh, my aching head.
This is not my first attempt. I've tried quicken, I've tried moneystrands, I've tried mint.com, I've tried my own handwritten and typewritten spreadsheets. I've quickly given up as it became either too complicated (quicken!), or did not offer the budgeting tools I wanted that showed me what was left of my monthly pay as I planned it (moneystrands!), or was simply not what I envisioned when picturing what I needed out of a budget program (mint.com).
Well, after 8 months of my husband being off work due to heart surgery(he went back on the 1st of September, healthy and strong, God is good!), and the debt piling up and the creditors calling, I realized we REALLY needed to get a budget going, if only in order to see how much money we didn't have. So.... I went again on that elusive search and ended up spending 15 dollars today (not in the budget, but fully refundable if I don't like it) on a program I found on the web that is simply a series of linked exel spreadsheets. It's perfect. I spent the day entering all the budget categories I could think of and copying and pasting them out through the middle of next year. I then went on my bank website and I tried to figure out when in the month all the bills came due. Next, I made a long list of all the dates money will be entering the bank account and an estimate of how much money will be entering, no matter how briefly, into the hallowed account.
Now, starting October 1st (I wasn't about to work all those hours for the 2 remaining days in September) I can simply click on the spreadsheet page that says "daily spending" and record everything in all my categories I spend each day. I even set an alarm on my phone to remind me each morning to put the previous days spending in the program. At the end of the month (or anytime during) I can click on overview and it will tell me where I'm at.. how much I've budgeted and how much I've spent on any given category.
According to the forecast, I'm about 500-700 dollars in the hole each month. I asked Joshua if he thought we could live without utilities and maybe one of the kids, but he said no. I guess I'll have to look less obvious places to find out where to cut stuff out. Can you pawn a pile of dirty laundry? A huge help would be if I could sell the house I moved out of to marry my wonderful new family. That would about take care of that deficit in one fell swoop. Lord PLEASE find me a buyer!
Now, even though it has turned what was kind of fuzzy vague bad news (I think we are in the negative every month) into a cold hard fact (Heck yeah, we're really broke), I'm still happy I did it. Now I have a really pretty spreadsheet with lots of red numbers on it to back up my "no" when I tell the kids they can't have something. When the creditors call I can tell them with all certainty that yes indeed it is true.. blood can not be got out of a stone. I can send them a copy of my spreadsheet to prove it. Also, it's a starting place. As William Feather predicted - the world has disciplined me - and now it's time for us to discipline ourselves a little more and make this budget thing WORK. There are no more credit cards to fall back on, the savings have been gone through. It's up to us and us alone to keep the wolves from the door, and battle back to solvency. God has never let us down before, and I believe he'll continue to take care of us as we work our way back to a safer more comfortable financial place.
Tomorrow I'll be taking my due date data and transferring it to a calendar sheet where I can see at a glance which pay period things come due and I'm going to figure out what needs to come out of which paycheck. Then I'll be pretty financially organized and at least be able to track the money as it flashes into and out of our account faster than the naked eye can see. Somehow, that is comforting. A starting point. We all need them. A fresh new year, a new month, a new week, a new day. Yes, even a new budget. As one of my favorite songs on the radio says:
We lose our way,
We get back up again
It's never too late to get back up again,
One day you will shine again,
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever.
(love you Toby Mac!)
So there. That's all I've got to say about that! Good night and many blessings.
William Feather
If we do not discipline ourselves the world will do it for us.
William Feather
William Feather, my new "go to" guy for quotes that drive the knife deep and twist it around a bit. I spent the three hours my little ones were in school today, and the five hours after they got home, glued to my computer screen trying to get a grip on a family budget. oh, my aching head.
This is not my first attempt. I've tried quicken, I've tried moneystrands, I've tried mint.com, I've tried my own handwritten and typewritten spreadsheets. I've quickly given up as it became either too complicated (quicken!), or did not offer the budgeting tools I wanted that showed me what was left of my monthly pay as I planned it (moneystrands!), or was simply not what I envisioned when picturing what I needed out of a budget program (mint.com).
Well, after 8 months of my husband being off work due to heart surgery(he went back on the 1st of September, healthy and strong, God is good!), and the debt piling up and the creditors calling, I realized we REALLY needed to get a budget going, if only in order to see how much money we didn't have. So.... I went again on that elusive search and ended up spending 15 dollars today (not in the budget, but fully refundable if I don't like it) on a program I found on the web that is simply a series of linked exel spreadsheets. It's perfect. I spent the day entering all the budget categories I could think of and copying and pasting them out through the middle of next year. I then went on my bank website and I tried to figure out when in the month all the bills came due. Next, I made a long list of all the dates money will be entering the bank account and an estimate of how much money will be entering, no matter how briefly, into the hallowed account.
Now, starting October 1st (I wasn't about to work all those hours for the 2 remaining days in September) I can simply click on the spreadsheet page that says "daily spending" and record everything in all my categories I spend each day. I even set an alarm on my phone to remind me each morning to put the previous days spending in the program. At the end of the month (or anytime during) I can click on overview and it will tell me where I'm at.. how much I've budgeted and how much I've spent on any given category.
According to the forecast, I'm about 500-700 dollars in the hole each month. I asked Joshua if he thought we could live without utilities and maybe one of the kids, but he said no. I guess I'll have to look less obvious places to find out where to cut stuff out. Can you pawn a pile of dirty laundry? A huge help would be if I could sell the house I moved out of to marry my wonderful new family. That would about take care of that deficit in one fell swoop. Lord PLEASE find me a buyer!
Now, even though it has turned what was kind of fuzzy vague bad news (I think we are in the negative every month) into a cold hard fact (Heck yeah, we're really broke), I'm still happy I did it. Now I have a really pretty spreadsheet with lots of red numbers on it to back up my "no" when I tell the kids they can't have something. When the creditors call I can tell them with all certainty that yes indeed it is true.. blood can not be got out of a stone. I can send them a copy of my spreadsheet to prove it. Also, it's a starting place. As William Feather predicted - the world has disciplined me - and now it's time for us to discipline ourselves a little more and make this budget thing WORK. There are no more credit cards to fall back on, the savings have been gone through. It's up to us and us alone to keep the wolves from the door, and battle back to solvency. God has never let us down before, and I believe he'll continue to take care of us as we work our way back to a safer more comfortable financial place.
Tomorrow I'll be taking my due date data and transferring it to a calendar sheet where I can see at a glance which pay period things come due and I'm going to figure out what needs to come out of which paycheck. Then I'll be pretty financially organized and at least be able to track the money as it flashes into and out of our account faster than the naked eye can see. Somehow, that is comforting. A starting point. We all need them. A fresh new year, a new month, a new week, a new day. Yes, even a new budget. As one of my favorite songs on the radio says:
We lose our way,
We get back up again
It's never too late to get back up again,
One day you will shine again,
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever.
(love you Toby Mac!)
So there. That's all I've got to say about that! Good night and many blessings.
Monday, September 27, 2010
confessions of an angry mother.
Okay, I admit that I'm not the perfect mom. I'm sure that was no big surprise to any of you that are parents because the quickest and most sure way to be completely and totally humbled is to have children.When you look into the face of perfection, just moments after birth, and realize how absolutely unequipped you are to do right by this little piece of heaven, you start to realize how fallible you really are.
Today though, I am sitting here just seething. I'm seething because my son Jackson thinks that copying five words out is the equivalent to having his toenails ripped out with pliers one by one. I am seething because my sweet daughter Abby is kicking her little feet and making 5 minutes worth of homework last 45. I am seething because my ex husband did not return my son's piano book, so he has nothing to practice with all week. I am seething because I feel as if I should have figured out by now how to peacefully navigate the homework/after school thing and I haven't.
Now because I am a woman I can tell you this. I was not seething 10 minutes ago. I will probably not be seething by the time I'm done writing this blog entry. Right this second however, I am in an incredibly large, all consuming seethe. My teeth are clenched, I dislike 2 out of my 4 children, and my traitorous mind is saying "you really need to go find something composed of caramel and chocolate and eat it as fast as humanly possible". My head is pounding in time to my heart somewhere right in the middle of my forehead . I know my face has an ugly look on it. I can feel that it is all pinched up and tense. Why is it that I can get SO angry SO fast, and then be happy as a pig in slop 30 minutes later? I used to be much more consistently mild mannered before I started this whole mysterious thing my doctor calls "peri-menopause",which as far as I can tell means "you are going slowly crazy and are just going to get more so over the next 10 or 15 years until your whole reproductive system finally just shuts down and you at long last feel normal again". (look it up, I'm sure that definition is in the dictionary somewhere!).
Okay, I've been sitting typing about ten minutes and I can feel the seethe passing. Is "the seethe" even a correct usage of words? If it isn't it should be! I'm loving all the children again. My sore clenched jaw is starting to loosen up and I'm slightly less annoyed with all the childish prattle in the background. Also, my reasoning mind that is slowly reasserting itself is happy that I had no milk duds in the house for the last ten minutes. It tells me I should go eat a healthy lunch. It chastises me that it is 3:15 and I haven't had lunch yet. tsk. tsk. I can answer Abby's question with a smile (slightly forced, but it's there). "yes, darling, you can have an applesauce. Of course you can." move the jaw back and forth and try the smile again. okay, that's a bit better. I've been doing this several times a day, this kind of mini rebellion of the good mom. I really need to loosen up or something. Or maybe the kids just need to start freakin' LISTENING to me! oh, did I say that out loud? Did I write that down?
The Tanya Seethe. I'd say not as bad as a Blowup but worse than a Peeve. About the equivalent maybe of a Rant, although my husband would probably tell you that depends entirely on the rant. I'm not fond of them, but maybe for now it's the way my mind and body have chosen to deal with the stress of four kids, a husband, and ex, two dogs and a crazy schedule. Another thing to look into. I'll add it to the list.
Now, where'd I put that darn list anyway?
Today though, I am sitting here just seething. I'm seething because my son Jackson thinks that copying five words out is the equivalent to having his toenails ripped out with pliers one by one. I am seething because my sweet daughter Abby is kicking her little feet and making 5 minutes worth of homework last 45. I am seething because my ex husband did not return my son's piano book, so he has nothing to practice with all week. I am seething because I feel as if I should have figured out by now how to peacefully navigate the homework/after school thing and I haven't.
Now because I am a woman I can tell you this. I was not seething 10 minutes ago. I will probably not be seething by the time I'm done writing this blog entry. Right this second however, I am in an incredibly large, all consuming seethe. My teeth are clenched, I dislike 2 out of my 4 children, and my traitorous mind is saying "you really need to go find something composed of caramel and chocolate and eat it as fast as humanly possible". My head is pounding in time to my heart somewhere right in the middle of my forehead . I know my face has an ugly look on it. I can feel that it is all pinched up and tense. Why is it that I can get SO angry SO fast, and then be happy as a pig in slop 30 minutes later? I used to be much more consistently mild mannered before I started this whole mysterious thing my doctor calls "peri-menopause",which as far as I can tell means "you are going slowly crazy and are just going to get more so over the next 10 or 15 years until your whole reproductive system finally just shuts down and you at long last feel normal again". (look it up, I'm sure that definition is in the dictionary somewhere!).
Okay, I've been sitting typing about ten minutes and I can feel the seethe passing. Is "the seethe" even a correct usage of words? If it isn't it should be! I'm loving all the children again. My sore clenched jaw is starting to loosen up and I'm slightly less annoyed with all the childish prattle in the background. Also, my reasoning mind that is slowly reasserting itself is happy that I had no milk duds in the house for the last ten minutes. It tells me I should go eat a healthy lunch. It chastises me that it is 3:15 and I haven't had lunch yet. tsk. tsk. I can answer Abby's question with a smile (slightly forced, but it's there). "yes, darling, you can have an applesauce. Of course you can." move the jaw back and forth and try the smile again. okay, that's a bit better. I've been doing this several times a day, this kind of mini rebellion of the good mom. I really need to loosen up or something. Or maybe the kids just need to start freakin' LISTENING to me! oh, did I say that out loud? Did I write that down?
The Tanya Seethe. I'd say not as bad as a Blowup but worse than a Peeve. About the equivalent maybe of a Rant, although my husband would probably tell you that depends entirely on the rant. I'm not fond of them, but maybe for now it's the way my mind and body have chosen to deal with the stress of four kids, a husband, and ex, two dogs and a crazy schedule. Another thing to look into. I'll add it to the list.
Now, where'd I put that darn list anyway?
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Happy Dance!!
I've just met my first two big health goals on the same day! I'm down 20 pounds!!! I've got SOOOO far to go, but right now I have two pre-church happy dances to do. I'm under 220 and this morning I could fit into my favorite jeans! (okay, the big size of my favorite jeans, but still, they aren't stretchy waist old lady jeans). whoooohoooo! I'm very happy. I deserve a reward. what shall it be? what shall it be? I know! I lost 20 pounds and I fit into my favorite jeans!!! Right now, that's reward enough.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Lemons can be sweet.
I went to a women's conference at my church this morning. The theme was "when life hands you lemons". Life handed me a dieting lemon that very same morning when the lunch buffet was set out and there wasn't a thing there without mayo except dessert. I chose a small chicken salad croissant and a piece of lemon cream pie. Not a lot of food. When I was done I was stuffed and not only that, I felt sick. It surprised me a lot. I've only been on this new way of living and eating for about 6 weeks. During that time I've had snacks, and I've had ice cream. It isn't like I've just been eating vegetables, but I guess I've been eating healthy enough that the sweet pie and the fatty croissant was enough to make my body go "ugh! what are you putting in me!" It was a sign to me that I was on the right track. If my body is rebelling over moderately unhealthy eating in small portions then I must be giving it some super good nutrition somewhere. Yay me! I am going to give the credit to my breakfast shakes. They are so stinking healthy compared to anything else I've eaten on a regular basis in many years.
Anyway. I consider it a small victory that my body was unhappy with me and I knew it. I had a protein shake for dinner just now. I feel a lot better. My sister in law just brought over pizza and I couldn't care less. well, mostly. I love pizza, I just don't need to eat it. To me that's close enough to "I couldn't care less" to be a slam dunk. Yep,Lemons can be sweet.
Anyway. I consider it a small victory that my body was unhappy with me and I knew it. I had a protein shake for dinner just now. I feel a lot better. My sister in law just brought over pizza and I couldn't care less. well, mostly. I love pizza, I just don't need to eat it. To me that's close enough to "I couldn't care less" to be a slam dunk. Yep,Lemons can be sweet.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Small Miracles.
Okay, so it may not seem like much to most people. It may seem almost laughable to those people who tell fat people to "just not eat so much" and think it's good sound advice. To me, however, tonight was a small miracle.
My husband and I had been squirreling away some cash so we could take our four children to the fair. They rarely get to do something like that because it costs so much to take a family of six anywhere other than taco bell. But we went. The children had that light in their eyes. You with kids know what light I'm talking about. It's that light of unreserved Joy that only a child who thinks the world is a magical place can get. I saw it at times tonight in each of my children. When my 7 year old girl got a necklace with a vial of "fairy dust" tucked into the protective arms of a fairy for the incredible price of only one dollar! when her 13 year old sister helped her "fly" because of it. When my 9 year old son realized he had the money (each child got 10 dollars to spend) to go in the "hamster ball". (it's a blow up plastic ball that is about 5 feet around and they roll around inside it on the water). When my 8 year old got to "win" a giant blow up guitar (everyone is a winner!). I love it. It was magical.
Those weren't my small miracles though. It was simply this. I was at a fair. There was cotton candy. There was something called a "deep fried milky way". That's my favorite candy bar. I'm a sugar addict. All I had was a diet coke. ALL I HAD WAS A DIET COKE! and here's the real miracle. I didn't realize until we were halfway back to the minivan that I hadn't had anything else.
In the past I'd be consumed with what I would eat at the fair, and I'd be miserable and depressed if I left a fair without the largest bag of cotton candy they sell. When Joshua, my husband, told me about the deep fried milky way and said "why don't you just have it? the fair only comes once a year", I was like "bingo... I just got validated. I can go for it" and yet, somehow, someway, by some small miracle, I got out of that fair consuming only a diet coke. I don't even know how it happened.
I actually didn't consume ENOUGH calories today. I had left all these calories for the fair and then I didn't eat them. wow, now that is a dilemma I am NOT used to.
Yes Lord, Small miracles. Thank you. Sometimes it's just grace, pure and simple. It wasn't my willpower. It wasn't my plan. It was just Grace, with a capital G.
Good night, and God bless.
Tanya
My husband and I had been squirreling away some cash so we could take our four children to the fair. They rarely get to do something like that because it costs so much to take a family of six anywhere other than taco bell. But we went. The children had that light in their eyes. You with kids know what light I'm talking about. It's that light of unreserved Joy that only a child who thinks the world is a magical place can get. I saw it at times tonight in each of my children. When my 7 year old girl got a necklace with a vial of "fairy dust" tucked into the protective arms of a fairy for the incredible price of only one dollar! when her 13 year old sister helped her "fly" because of it. When my 9 year old son realized he had the money (each child got 10 dollars to spend) to go in the "hamster ball". (it's a blow up plastic ball that is about 5 feet around and they roll around inside it on the water). When my 8 year old got to "win" a giant blow up guitar (everyone is a winner!). I love it. It was magical.
Those weren't my small miracles though. It was simply this. I was at a fair. There was cotton candy. There was something called a "deep fried milky way". That's my favorite candy bar. I'm a sugar addict. All I had was a diet coke. ALL I HAD WAS A DIET COKE! and here's the real miracle. I didn't realize until we were halfway back to the minivan that I hadn't had anything else.
In the past I'd be consumed with what I would eat at the fair, and I'd be miserable and depressed if I left a fair without the largest bag of cotton candy they sell. When Joshua, my husband, told me about the deep fried milky way and said "why don't you just have it? the fair only comes once a year", I was like "bingo... I just got validated. I can go for it" and yet, somehow, someway, by some small miracle, I got out of that fair consuming only a diet coke. I don't even know how it happened.
I actually didn't consume ENOUGH calories today. I had left all these calories for the fair and then I didn't eat them. wow, now that is a dilemma I am NOT used to.
Yes Lord, Small miracles. Thank you. Sometimes it's just grace, pure and simple. It wasn't my willpower. It wasn't my plan. It was just Grace, with a capital G.
Good night, and God bless.
Tanya
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Forgiveness and weight loss?
I don't agree with everything my pastor does. He uses WAY too many sports metaphors. I mean, I'm a fat middle aged female couch potato, what do I know from sports? AND, I really feel no compelling need to keep the Georgia bulldogs (or should that be DAWGS???) in my daily prayers. However, one thing he does do, and do well, is that the man preaches from the word of God.
This past Sunday my butt was up and kicked by his preaching from the word of God. His sermon was on the need for forgiveness, and how to recognize if you needed to forgive. I've always considered myself a pretty forgiving person. I don't hold a grudge long and I am very non judgmental of my friends. It takes a lot to make me mad at you (unless you are my husband who has a gift of making me madder than anybody else in the universe. I think God gave me him to me to teach me how to control my anger) ,and when I get mad I am easy to offer forgiveness. However, as he went over signs of unforgiveness in your heart (for example, do some topics that come up make you instantly angry? probably it stems from unforgiveness somewhere) I started going - oh really..really? oh...hmmm...hmmm. oh? is that so...and started looking around to make sure everybody wasn't staring at me. At any rate, the end of the sermon had me at the alter on my knees, tears rolling down my face, sucking snot (well, I was! Repentance is not always pretty!), and asking God to show me who I needed to forgive. The fact that my Wednesday night bible study has been studying a book on forgiveness for several weeks as well did not help things. It was one of those times where you know God has a message for YOU and you want to thank the pastor for not calling you out by name during the sermon.
I got a middling length list from the Lord of people I still had anger towards, and some of them were surprising to me. I guess I'm very good at pushing down that anger to somewhere deep inside and pretending it doesn't exist. In the 4 days since the sermon I've been thinking a LOT about this whole issue. It occurred to me yesterday that unforgiveness probably has a lot to do with hindering weight loss in a lot of people. Think about it.
When you harbor unforgiveness you have a literal weight on your soul. You FEEL heavy of heart and heavy of mind. Some people carry it around so long it becomes like a vampire friend. It sucks your life and your energy out of you, and drains your joy with it's sharp little pointy fangs, but it feels safe and comfortable to you at the same time. It's where you've been so long, you don't want to, and don't even know how to, let it go. Sometimes you feel you CAN'T let it go. You ENJOY being angry at the person you are angry at. You get something out of it. (Dr. Phil would say "How's that working for you?")
With that kind of weight on your mind, heart and soul, how are we supposed to accomplish anything of worth? And meanwhile, the person you are harboring unforgiveness towards is probably walking around having a great life and not thinking about you one single iota. That's the part that really rankles when you think about it. You are wasting all this energy being angry and s/he doesn't care less!
It seems logical to me that freeing your body, mind and soul from that negative addiction of anger and resentment would lift a literal weight from your body. Now, when I say a literal weight I don't mean you forgive your Dad for abandoning you and wow, the scale is down five pounds! I mean, you forgive your Dad for abandoning you and wow, you can stand a little taller, and smile a little more, and spend that time you used to fret over him doing something productive and useful. Most of all, forgiving others draws you closer to God, and unforgiveness puts up a barrier between Him and you. Hanging on to the anger doesn't hurt the person you are angry at, it only hurts you! Aren't we on this journey to love ourselves a little more, and do what is right for our lives?
I hope others will join me today in examining our hearts for unforgiveness. I plan to get down on my knees and ask the Lord to help me forgive the unforgivable. I'm not going to tell the Lord, "but Lord you don't understand what he did to me!", because he does understand. He understands every sort of betrayal and pain. And he weeps with us. And then he takes that pain and that anger and he helps us put it away for good. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to like the person you are forgiving. It just means you aren't going to let what they did to you have power over you anymore. That you are going to give that burden away to shoulders more fit to carry it.
I believe lightening the load on our hearts and spirits will lead to lightening the load on our hips and behinds. I don't mean to be flippant, but I truly believe the healthier our spirits and minds are, the healthier our bodies will be. It's not just about Calories and exercise my friends. Travel this path with me today and let's off load some of that anger, restentment, bitterness, and even hate that we may be harboring in our hearts, and see if it makes a difference. I am excited, because I believe with all my heart it will!
This past Sunday my butt was up and kicked by his preaching from the word of God. His sermon was on the need for forgiveness, and how to recognize if you needed to forgive. I've always considered myself a pretty forgiving person. I don't hold a grudge long and I am very non judgmental of my friends. It takes a lot to make me mad at you (unless you are my husband who has a gift of making me madder than anybody else in the universe. I think God gave me him to me to teach me how to control my anger) ,and when I get mad I am easy to offer forgiveness. However, as he went over signs of unforgiveness in your heart (for example, do some topics that come up make you instantly angry? probably it stems from unforgiveness somewhere) I started going - oh really..really? oh...hmmm...hmmm. oh? is that so...and started looking around to make sure everybody wasn't staring at me. At any rate, the end of the sermon had me at the alter on my knees, tears rolling down my face, sucking snot (well, I was! Repentance is not always pretty!), and asking God to show me who I needed to forgive. The fact that my Wednesday night bible study has been studying a book on forgiveness for several weeks as well did not help things. It was one of those times where you know God has a message for YOU and you want to thank the pastor for not calling you out by name during the sermon.
I got a middling length list from the Lord of people I still had anger towards, and some of them were surprising to me. I guess I'm very good at pushing down that anger to somewhere deep inside and pretending it doesn't exist. In the 4 days since the sermon I've been thinking a LOT about this whole issue. It occurred to me yesterday that unforgiveness probably has a lot to do with hindering weight loss in a lot of people. Think about it.
When you harbor unforgiveness you have a literal weight on your soul. You FEEL heavy of heart and heavy of mind. Some people carry it around so long it becomes like a vampire friend. It sucks your life and your energy out of you, and drains your joy with it's sharp little pointy fangs, but it feels safe and comfortable to you at the same time. It's where you've been so long, you don't want to, and don't even know how to, let it go. Sometimes you feel you CAN'T let it go. You ENJOY being angry at the person you are angry at. You get something out of it. (Dr. Phil would say "How's that working for you?")
With that kind of weight on your mind, heart and soul, how are we supposed to accomplish anything of worth? And meanwhile, the person you are harboring unforgiveness towards is probably walking around having a great life and not thinking about you one single iota. That's the part that really rankles when you think about it. You are wasting all this energy being angry and s/he doesn't care less!
It seems logical to me that freeing your body, mind and soul from that negative addiction of anger and resentment would lift a literal weight from your body. Now, when I say a literal weight I don't mean you forgive your Dad for abandoning you and wow, the scale is down five pounds! I mean, you forgive your Dad for abandoning you and wow, you can stand a little taller, and smile a little more, and spend that time you used to fret over him doing something productive and useful. Most of all, forgiving others draws you closer to God, and unforgiveness puts up a barrier between Him and you. Hanging on to the anger doesn't hurt the person you are angry at, it only hurts you! Aren't we on this journey to love ourselves a little more, and do what is right for our lives?
I hope others will join me today in examining our hearts for unforgiveness. I plan to get down on my knees and ask the Lord to help me forgive the unforgivable. I'm not going to tell the Lord, "but Lord you don't understand what he did to me!", because he does understand. He understands every sort of betrayal and pain. And he weeps with us. And then he takes that pain and that anger and he helps us put it away for good. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to like the person you are forgiving. It just means you aren't going to let what they did to you have power over you anymore. That you are going to give that burden away to shoulders more fit to carry it.
I believe lightening the load on our hearts and spirits will lead to lightening the load on our hips and behinds. I don't mean to be flippant, but I truly believe the healthier our spirits and minds are, the healthier our bodies will be. It's not just about Calories and exercise my friends. Travel this path with me today and let's off load some of that anger, restentment, bitterness, and even hate that we may be harboring in our hearts, and see if it makes a difference. I am excited, because I believe with all my heart it will!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
It's going to be a good day!
I can feel it in my bones... or rather my lack of bone aches. I usually hurt so badly when I get up in the morning. I've had a bad back for as long as I can remember and the weight doesn't help a thing. I got this new pillow - it's a memory foam body pillow, and last night was my first night sleeping with it. Heaven! Everytime I woke up I was wrapped around the thing. It's my new bedtime buddy... sorry honey, move over. LOL. Just kidding honey.
My little girl Abby, who is 7, has started lately setting her alarm for 6:30 (when I get up) so she can spend some alone time with Mommy. I'm proud of her. She saw a need in herself and figure out a way to fill it. It is very hard these days to get alone time with Mommy. We have four kids and a 3 bedroom ranch house with no basement. Alone time is kind of a myth in our house. I admit I am enjoying very much that half hour with my little one. We usually snuggle on the couch for five minutes and then get up and have breakfast together. this morning we had "shakes" together. I made my regular breakfast protein shake, and in my other blender cup she had a strawberry carnation instant breakfast with blueberries in so it looked just like mommy's. Sitting at the table in the soft light of breaking morning sipping our shakes through straws and just looking at each other. These are the things she and I will remember long after we've forgotten the trip to the amusement park. These are the moments I want to have more of. On Saturday I spent an hour or two making a Lemon Battery with my 9 year old son. I know now how batteries are made (acid, zinc and copper - or in our case Lemon (acid), copper wire, and galvanized nails (coated in zinc). It takes about 4 lemons to power a 1.7 volt red LED. 6 does not make it any brighter. I didn't know any of that before making this with my son. Gosh, Never stop learning. Your kids have stuff to teach you, so does everyone you come in contact with if you'll just listen.
Okay, I promised I'd talk about things I'm looking forward to.. I guess you'd call them goals.. I call them my skinny girl dreams. Here's my top 20.
1. Not having to lift up my stomach to see underneath it. I know that is just a gross picture, but it's true. Most of my fat congregates around my middle. It's the most unhealthy shape to be, another reason I am so committed. After reading about how my fat is probably all around my organs choking them to death since I am apple shaped, getting rid of my stomach and that visceral fat is really something I'm looking forward to, for cosmetic and health reasons both.
2. Being able to bend over while sitting. God help me if I have to pick up something in the car. I sound like a sick hippo or something, with all the grunting and groaning and ugghing. I squeeze the breath out of my lungs trying to bend over while I'm sitting. I pray for longer arms...reaaaaaach. That will be wonderful!
3. Having more grace. Truthfully, I will never be as graceful as a gazelle. My mom used to call me a "bull in a china shop" (which actually they tested out on Mythbusters and found that bulls are actually quite nimble and can run all around a china shop and not break a thing, go figure!!) and I admit I don't always take in all my surroundings. I tend to have tunnel vision when I've got someplace to be and I'll admit I sometimes bump into people and don't even notice. Only my spouse or whoever is with me pointing it out will show me. But I remember last time I lost a lot of weight before the divorce that I felt SO much more graceful because I was LITERALLY lighter on my feet. I could do more so I felt more capable, and I think it MADE me more capable just to feel more capable. I was more aware of standing up straight when I was lighter. I tend to slouch way to much when I'm heavy. I am looking forward to being more graceful and just fitting places. I never quite got to the place where the airplane seatbelt wouldn't fit or I couldnt' fit in the movie chairs, but I did get to where I sometimes worried about it, and to where sitting in a booth in a restaurant could be a close fit. I'm looking forward to that not even crossing my mind.
4. Not always wondering if people are thinking about how fat I am. I know that is so negative, but I always wonder how my weight affects people's perception of me. I know many people think of fat people as lazy, undisciplined people. I am not lazy and not ... very.... undisciplined. (LOL). I work very hard every day taking care of my family. I am not sitting on the couch watching tv and eating bonbons. It makes me mad that people are judged because of their weight. You know my daughter (we are a blended family and she is my stepdaughter) is 13. She is very very thin. She eats like a horse. She just has a metabolism and genes from her mom's side of the family that makes her thin. She gets judged at school. People accuse her of having anorexia (which if they saw her eat would be so laughable) or bulimia. It makes her upset. she hates her skinny white long legs because people make fun of her. She is absolutely beautiful and I can't figure it out. Truth is some people just want to make you feel bad or make themselves feel better. I know this in my head, but in my heart I just want to think that if people are snickering about me it's because I am one weird chick, not because I'm fat.
5. on a more upbeat note. I'm looking forward to shopping for clothes in the normal size section. I had just gotten there when the divorce happened. I had bought a few things in size 14... it lasted so briefly I really didn't get to enjoy it. what I want to wear is dresses. I look horrible in dresses right now. I just look like a big sausage in anything one piece, bathing suit, dress, anything. I love those knee length sun dresses that come out in the summer. Some of them I can't wear regardless because I am a busty girl and need a good bra and good bras are very infrequently compatible with little spaghetti strap sundresses, but still, I would really love to just wear a sundress with some nice wide fabric straps to cover my brastraps and tucked in at the waist with a little twirly skirt. I get jealous when I see those beautiful clothes that smaller girls can wear. I WANT to shop in the petites section and find pants that are the right length. It's very hard to find petite big girl sizes. VERY hard. I don't know if I'm getting too old for knee length sundresses and I don't really care. I'm gonna wear them anyway. with a vengeance!
6. Looking forward so much to being able to play with my kids and not get worn out or out of breath so fast.
7. Looking forward to playing woman's softball with my church next season without worrying about my weight getting in the way. I tried for the first time this year and I thought it was so fun, but my weight really did take away from the enjoyment. I felt self conscious because EVERYTHING moves independently when I run... boobs, belly... all in a different rhythm. I know it looks funny. I've seen myself. My husband has told me. (not to be mean, just to be truthful). It's embarrassing. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. I look forward to being fleeter of foot and stronger and being a real asset to my team.
8. Looking forward to looking nice in a bathing suit. I want to learn how to REALLY swim. I can swim, but I want to be a GOOD swimmer. I want to take lessons. I'm going to when I am thinner. I'm going to learn how to be confident in the water.
9. I'm looking forward to my Asthma improving. Not having to carry around an extra 100 pounds will help my lungs. That's the bottom line.
10. Looking forward to having more energy just because I am fit and properly fueling my body.
11. Looking forward to learning how to love healthy foods over unhealthy
12. Looking forward to kicking the sugar habit. I want to control the sugar that goes into my body, not have the sugar control me. Sugar is literally like my heroine. When I gained back all that weight after the divorce it was milk duds that caused it. I started going to movies a LOT. I went whenever my ex had the kids, to get my mind off the fact that my left arm and right leg weren't with me. I'd have a pack of milk duds. Well, guess what? I seemed to do fine and not gain any weight if I had a pack every time I went to the movies. So, I thought, what's one at home now and then. At some point I tipped that scale. I ate one too many of those evil little balls of deliciousness. The sugar cravings I thought I had beaten came back in full force and it was a downward spiral from there...or an upward spiral I should say... up in weight. I am determined that sugar will be a treat in my life from now on, not an every day occurrence. It is and always has been my downfall and I plan on putting this evil substance in it's place once and for all!
13. I am looking forward to my kids being able to hug me all the way around without having to team up.
14. I am looking forward to being able to get closer to my hubby. literally. with my big belly gone, and hopefully some of my new habits will reduce his belly size...we'll be able to get a good 8 or 9 inches closer when we cuddle. Can't beat that!
15. speaking of getting closer, I'm looking forward to an increased libido. I believe it will come with the weight loss for two reasons. One, I will feel healthier and stronger and have more energy at the end of the day. two, I will feel so much sexier. If I feel sexy I'll be sexy. My hubby has always found me sexy, but if I feel sexy too, I feel it will only make things so much better. Sorry if I got to personal, but it IS on my top 20 list. Gotta keep that fire burning!
16. Looking forward to trying fun new things I've always been scared to try. My kids go to the mall here in Lawrenceville. It has a cool thing where you get strapped into a harness and jump up and down on a big trampoline. you can do flips and stuff while you are up there. I've always wanted to try it. It looks so fun. I always worried I'd get in line and they'd say "sorry, the harness doesn't fit you, or sorry you are too heavy". Also, they weigh you so they know how to set the straps. I'm too embarrassed to let them know my weight! Also, if I could fit in it, and I wasn't embarrassed about my weight, all I could think of was what my BUTT would look like suspended in that harness 20 feet up in the air. Oh no. Well, I'm going to go bouncing... and I'm going to climb stone mountain, and I'm going to go geocaching with my family, and I'm going to go swimming, and I'm going to try water skiing if I get the chance ever. I won't be as scared to try new things if I feel good in my body, and if I'm strong!
17. I'm looking forward to making new friends. Ever since my friend Idaho Lisa left for Idaho (I call her Idaho Lisa so my husband knows who I am talking about when I mention her) I haven't had a close friend to get together over diet coke or tea and have a talk. I miss it a lot. I hope somewhere in this journey of connecting and reaching out I'll find that special friendship that I miss so much. Getting together for an hour or two each week at "our deli" for breakfast was something I treasured. Being able to share each other's triumphs, failures and faith was so wonderful. It's the one big thing I currently find missing from my life. As we get older it is harder I think to find someone whose life you can fit into and they into yours. This is a prayer of mine. That the friend I need will come along, and that she will need me too.
18. I'm looking forward to feeling like less of an outsider. I am not SURE this will happen with the weight loss. This may be just who I am. How I feel. I never feel like I fit in. I know I am a great friend. I'm loyal, I'm not judgmental. My good friends stay my good friends for years. I have just been very unlucky with either me having to move or my good friends having to move. So I know I can connect with people and I know I am a really good friend, but yet I still always feel like I am on the outside of life looking in. I can't seem to insert myself into the picture. I don't know if it is a confidence issue or what. Maybe I need therapy to get to the bottom of this. LOL. hmmm.... maybe I really do. I'm hoping through this journey that somehow, someway I'll feel more a part of things.
19. I'm hoping that my moods and my perimenopause symptoms will improve with the health and weight loss, and supplements. I am hoping I'll hit that magic combination where I am healthy in body soul and spirit.
20. I'm looking forward to growing closer to the Lord Jesus through this Journey. Though I don't always feel like it or act like it, he IS the center of my world. I oftentimes forget in the business of life that he wants me to succeed in Him, to grow in Him and to learn in Him. I am going to make a real effort to take the time I need to be with him daily in prayer and reading, and to ask him for the guidance to make this all happen. I know that as my time and commitment to my Lord increases, so will my Joy. I ask if you are a praying person, to pray for me. To pray for my commitment to my new lifestyle and to my Lord. That as one grows so will the other.
For Today, Blessings, Tanya
p.s. tomorrow I'll be writing on something I've been thinking about since I went to church and listened to the sermon on Sunday.. Forgiveness and weight loss.
My little girl Abby, who is 7, has started lately setting her alarm for 6:30 (when I get up) so she can spend some alone time with Mommy. I'm proud of her. She saw a need in herself and figure out a way to fill it. It is very hard these days to get alone time with Mommy. We have four kids and a 3 bedroom ranch house with no basement. Alone time is kind of a myth in our house. I admit I am enjoying very much that half hour with my little one. We usually snuggle on the couch for five minutes and then get up and have breakfast together. this morning we had "shakes" together. I made my regular breakfast protein shake, and in my other blender cup she had a strawberry carnation instant breakfast with blueberries in so it looked just like mommy's. Sitting at the table in the soft light of breaking morning sipping our shakes through straws and just looking at each other. These are the things she and I will remember long after we've forgotten the trip to the amusement park. These are the moments I want to have more of. On Saturday I spent an hour or two making a Lemon Battery with my 9 year old son. I know now how batteries are made (acid, zinc and copper - or in our case Lemon (acid), copper wire, and galvanized nails (coated in zinc). It takes about 4 lemons to power a 1.7 volt red LED. 6 does not make it any brighter. I didn't know any of that before making this with my son. Gosh, Never stop learning. Your kids have stuff to teach you, so does everyone you come in contact with if you'll just listen.
Okay, I promised I'd talk about things I'm looking forward to.. I guess you'd call them goals.. I call them my skinny girl dreams. Here's my top 20.
1. Not having to lift up my stomach to see underneath it. I know that is just a gross picture, but it's true. Most of my fat congregates around my middle. It's the most unhealthy shape to be, another reason I am so committed. After reading about how my fat is probably all around my organs choking them to death since I am apple shaped, getting rid of my stomach and that visceral fat is really something I'm looking forward to, for cosmetic and health reasons both.
2. Being able to bend over while sitting. God help me if I have to pick up something in the car. I sound like a sick hippo or something, with all the grunting and groaning and ugghing. I squeeze the breath out of my lungs trying to bend over while I'm sitting. I pray for longer arms...reaaaaaach. That will be wonderful!
3. Having more grace. Truthfully, I will never be as graceful as a gazelle. My mom used to call me a "bull in a china shop" (which actually they tested out on Mythbusters and found that bulls are actually quite nimble and can run all around a china shop and not break a thing, go figure!!) and I admit I don't always take in all my surroundings. I tend to have tunnel vision when I've got someplace to be and I'll admit I sometimes bump into people and don't even notice. Only my spouse or whoever is with me pointing it out will show me. But I remember last time I lost a lot of weight before the divorce that I felt SO much more graceful because I was LITERALLY lighter on my feet. I could do more so I felt more capable, and I think it MADE me more capable just to feel more capable. I was more aware of standing up straight when I was lighter. I tend to slouch way to much when I'm heavy. I am looking forward to being more graceful and just fitting places. I never quite got to the place where the airplane seatbelt wouldn't fit or I couldnt' fit in the movie chairs, but I did get to where I sometimes worried about it, and to where sitting in a booth in a restaurant could be a close fit. I'm looking forward to that not even crossing my mind.
4. Not always wondering if people are thinking about how fat I am. I know that is so negative, but I always wonder how my weight affects people's perception of me. I know many people think of fat people as lazy, undisciplined people. I am not lazy and not ... very.... undisciplined. (LOL). I work very hard every day taking care of my family. I am not sitting on the couch watching tv and eating bonbons. It makes me mad that people are judged because of their weight. You know my daughter (we are a blended family and she is my stepdaughter) is 13. She is very very thin. She eats like a horse. She just has a metabolism and genes from her mom's side of the family that makes her thin. She gets judged at school. People accuse her of having anorexia (which if they saw her eat would be so laughable) or bulimia. It makes her upset. she hates her skinny white long legs because people make fun of her. She is absolutely beautiful and I can't figure it out. Truth is some people just want to make you feel bad or make themselves feel better. I know this in my head, but in my heart I just want to think that if people are snickering about me it's because I am one weird chick, not because I'm fat.
5. on a more upbeat note. I'm looking forward to shopping for clothes in the normal size section. I had just gotten there when the divorce happened. I had bought a few things in size 14... it lasted so briefly I really didn't get to enjoy it. what I want to wear is dresses. I look horrible in dresses right now. I just look like a big sausage in anything one piece, bathing suit, dress, anything. I love those knee length sun dresses that come out in the summer. Some of them I can't wear regardless because I am a busty girl and need a good bra and good bras are very infrequently compatible with little spaghetti strap sundresses, but still, I would really love to just wear a sundress with some nice wide fabric straps to cover my brastraps and tucked in at the waist with a little twirly skirt. I get jealous when I see those beautiful clothes that smaller girls can wear. I WANT to shop in the petites section and find pants that are the right length. It's very hard to find petite big girl sizes. VERY hard. I don't know if I'm getting too old for knee length sundresses and I don't really care. I'm gonna wear them anyway. with a vengeance!
6. Looking forward so much to being able to play with my kids and not get worn out or out of breath so fast.
7. Looking forward to playing woman's softball with my church next season without worrying about my weight getting in the way. I tried for the first time this year and I thought it was so fun, but my weight really did take away from the enjoyment. I felt self conscious because EVERYTHING moves independently when I run... boobs, belly... all in a different rhythm. I know it looks funny. I've seen myself. My husband has told me. (not to be mean, just to be truthful). It's embarrassing. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. I look forward to being fleeter of foot and stronger and being a real asset to my team.
8. Looking forward to looking nice in a bathing suit. I want to learn how to REALLY swim. I can swim, but I want to be a GOOD swimmer. I want to take lessons. I'm going to when I am thinner. I'm going to learn how to be confident in the water.
9. I'm looking forward to my Asthma improving. Not having to carry around an extra 100 pounds will help my lungs. That's the bottom line.
10. Looking forward to having more energy just because I am fit and properly fueling my body.
11. Looking forward to learning how to love healthy foods over unhealthy
12. Looking forward to kicking the sugar habit. I want to control the sugar that goes into my body, not have the sugar control me. Sugar is literally like my heroine. When I gained back all that weight after the divorce it was milk duds that caused it. I started going to movies a LOT. I went whenever my ex had the kids, to get my mind off the fact that my left arm and right leg weren't with me. I'd have a pack of milk duds. Well, guess what? I seemed to do fine and not gain any weight if I had a pack every time I went to the movies. So, I thought, what's one at home now and then. At some point I tipped that scale. I ate one too many of those evil little balls of deliciousness. The sugar cravings I thought I had beaten came back in full force and it was a downward spiral from there...or an upward spiral I should say... up in weight. I am determined that sugar will be a treat in my life from now on, not an every day occurrence. It is and always has been my downfall and I plan on putting this evil substance in it's place once and for all!
13. I am looking forward to my kids being able to hug me all the way around without having to team up.
14. I am looking forward to being able to get closer to my hubby. literally. with my big belly gone, and hopefully some of my new habits will reduce his belly size...we'll be able to get a good 8 or 9 inches closer when we cuddle. Can't beat that!
15. speaking of getting closer, I'm looking forward to an increased libido. I believe it will come with the weight loss for two reasons. One, I will feel healthier and stronger and have more energy at the end of the day. two, I will feel so much sexier. If I feel sexy I'll be sexy. My hubby has always found me sexy, but if I feel sexy too, I feel it will only make things so much better. Sorry if I got to personal, but it IS on my top 20 list. Gotta keep that fire burning!
16. Looking forward to trying fun new things I've always been scared to try. My kids go to the mall here in Lawrenceville. It has a cool thing where you get strapped into a harness and jump up and down on a big trampoline. you can do flips and stuff while you are up there. I've always wanted to try it. It looks so fun. I always worried I'd get in line and they'd say "sorry, the harness doesn't fit you, or sorry you are too heavy". Also, they weigh you so they know how to set the straps. I'm too embarrassed to let them know my weight! Also, if I could fit in it, and I wasn't embarrassed about my weight, all I could think of was what my BUTT would look like suspended in that harness 20 feet up in the air. Oh no. Well, I'm going to go bouncing... and I'm going to climb stone mountain, and I'm going to go geocaching with my family, and I'm going to go swimming, and I'm going to try water skiing if I get the chance ever. I won't be as scared to try new things if I feel good in my body, and if I'm strong!
17. I'm looking forward to making new friends. Ever since my friend Idaho Lisa left for Idaho (I call her Idaho Lisa so my husband knows who I am talking about when I mention her) I haven't had a close friend to get together over diet coke or tea and have a talk. I miss it a lot. I hope somewhere in this journey of connecting and reaching out I'll find that special friendship that I miss so much. Getting together for an hour or two each week at "our deli" for breakfast was something I treasured. Being able to share each other's triumphs, failures and faith was so wonderful. It's the one big thing I currently find missing from my life. As we get older it is harder I think to find someone whose life you can fit into and they into yours. This is a prayer of mine. That the friend I need will come along, and that she will need me too.
18. I'm looking forward to feeling like less of an outsider. I am not SURE this will happen with the weight loss. This may be just who I am. How I feel. I never feel like I fit in. I know I am a great friend. I'm loyal, I'm not judgmental. My good friends stay my good friends for years. I have just been very unlucky with either me having to move or my good friends having to move. So I know I can connect with people and I know I am a really good friend, but yet I still always feel like I am on the outside of life looking in. I can't seem to insert myself into the picture. I don't know if it is a confidence issue or what. Maybe I need therapy to get to the bottom of this. LOL. hmmm.... maybe I really do. I'm hoping through this journey that somehow, someway I'll feel more a part of things.
19. I'm hoping that my moods and my perimenopause symptoms will improve with the health and weight loss, and supplements. I am hoping I'll hit that magic combination where I am healthy in body soul and spirit.
20. I'm looking forward to growing closer to the Lord Jesus through this Journey. Though I don't always feel like it or act like it, he IS the center of my world. I oftentimes forget in the business of life that he wants me to succeed in Him, to grow in Him and to learn in Him. I am going to make a real effort to take the time I need to be with him daily in prayer and reading, and to ask him for the guidance to make this all happen. I know that as my time and commitment to my Lord increases, so will my Joy. I ask if you are a praying person, to pray for me. To pray for my commitment to my new lifestyle and to my Lord. That as one grows so will the other.
For Today, Blessings, Tanya
p.s. tomorrow I'll be writing on something I've been thinking about since I went to church and listened to the sermon on Sunday.. Forgiveness and weight loss.
Fit not Fat by 40
Okay, well I started this blog last year and then promptly forgot about it because I had little to say on a day to day basis. Well, things have changed so I'm back. This blog is still about my life, but it is also about my new journey I'm undertaking in that life... to be healthy and strong and live long. For those of you who aren't familiar with blogs (hi MOM!) the oldest posts are on the bottom and the newest posts are on the top so if you are going to read them all start at the bottom and read up :)... so here is my blog I recently started on a weight loss site I visit and I'm just posting the two entries I have so far entered and then I'm going to start writing here instead so anybody who is my friend and wants to know can see this. :) I'm baring my soul in these posts so if that is disturbing to you, stop reading here. LOL. I'm brutally honest with myself and sometimes that can be ugly. But warts and all, here's my life.
Well, I thought this a good and safe place to start recording my feelings on this journey. I've got a goal. I almost don't want to put it up. The devil on my shoulder says "what if you fail again? again? again? you've never succeeded, what makes you think you can do it now? Do you want to be made a fool of?"
Well, I've recently told that devil on my shoulder to get down under my heel where he belongs. I'm gonna crush him. I've survived much worse than having to lose weight. I've survived two abusive marriages! I've survived humiliation and defeat. I've survived betrayal and pain. I've survived as a single mom, and now I'm thriving as a happily married mom of 4 beautiful children. I've been saved by the love of God, and I've got nowhere to go but up from here. So why not I say? why not lose 100 pounds? ......oh there, I've said it... 100 pounds. It sounds so freaking daunting. Good lord... lots of diets say you should lose a pound or two a week. Okay, one pound a week, that's 100 weeks. geesh. That's a long time.
So I looked at myself in the mirror on August 12th, 2010. I'm fat. I'm way fat. I'm 240 pounds fat, and only 5'3" tall. Well, technically I'm 5' 3 1/2". I round it up to 5'4". Us short people need a break, after all. I've never been this heavy. My previous high was 235. I had lost a lot of weight right before my divorce in 2007. I'd been married 14 years and felt I finally had a handle on my life. I had lost 65 pounds on weight watchers. It was the first time I had ever lost more than 20. I thought I had made a permanent lifestyle change. I thought I would be able to live that way forever. Then I got the email. It said "I think my wife is cheating on me with your husband". That was the beginning of the end. My life went into a downward spiral - two marriages, four children, abandoned for what? some relationship on the internet? what is wrong with these people? I tried to hold it together, and I didn't gain a pound through the whole divorce proceedings... it was being a single mom that made me fat again. Well, that and Milk Duds. Milk Duds are evil. So much for the lifestyle change. I was so tired all the time. I worked at a preschool teaching two year olds and I was constantly sick with bronchitis or pneumonia. It wasn't for me. My health wasn't strong enough, but I wasn't qualified to do anything else. I had dropped out of college to marry the man who just left me. what a bad bad idea. Hindsight is so 20/20 isn't it?
So here I was. 38 years old and staring at this fat girl in the mirror. Knowing there was more to me than this big hanging gut and this fat face. If I frame my face with my hands I can almost see the "skinny" face inside the fat one. I feel like that's the real me. That's the one that deserves to be facing the world. I just need to let her out. I count the months. I'll be 40 on November 5th, 2011. 40 seems a milestone. I feel if I don't get a grip on my health by then I'll never get a grip. Then it will all come, diabetes, heart disease, joint disease... what else? My asthma will grow worse, my self esteem will drop even more. Worst of all I'd prove to myself that I don't have what it takes to make a change in my life. That I'm just not capable. So I look my fat self in the face and I make her a promise. This time I'm doing what's right for her. What's healthy and what's happy. I'm not going to follow any particular diet. I'm going to research for as long as it takes and I'm going to do this the right way for ME, for my body. I want MY body to have energy, My body to feel good, my lips to smile when I look in the mirror, my mind to say "yeah, you look good girl". As the blue eyed crooner said "I'm gonna do it my way!". I've got little clue where to start but I say this is it. 100 pounds by my 40th birthday. from 240 to 140. I haven't seen 140 for about 20 or 25 years. Can my body even get there anymore? how many pounds is that a week... hmmm.. kind of ambitious.. should I change my goal? Hell no.... if I "fail" and don't reach my goal by 20 pounds, have I really failed? No way! I've won..and won big.
First I went to my doctor. I told her the following. "I'm ALWAYS hungry. I never feel full. It takes massive amounts of food to fill me up. My servings are huge, and if they aren't I am snacking all night. I eat when I'm starving and I eat when I'm bored, and I eat when I'm sad and I eat when I am happy. My life pretty much revolves around my next sweet treat because I'm addicted to sugar. I can't stop. I always want more. I need help, tell me what to do." She gave me a medicine. She said it would help for a while to curb the ravenous appetite. She said my body would get used to it, probably quickly, within a few weeks. She said it would give me time to start some new habits without feeling miserable and starving all the time. I was happy but doubtful. I've been fat for years. why has nobody given me this before? Well, I tried it. It isn't that I wasn't hungry, it was that I felt I didn't NEED it anymore. I felt almost like it was some willpower in a pill. It helped me tremendously that first week. My first week I lost 7 pounds. I ate great, never straying. It was really inspiring and happy. I knew I couldn't keep that up. I also know I tended to lose a lot of weight in the first two weeks of my diet. I was happy but I wasn't fooling myself. I now have 34 more pounds to lose, just to get to that magical ONEderland of under 200 pounds. I'm in this for the long haul. I went to the doctor after one month. I'd lost 13 or 14 pounds by then. She took an EKG, patted me on the back and asked me if I was doing any exercise. Well, some. I did an aqua aerobics class I liked, but haven't been back because I've been on a major housecleaning, shed cleaning kick and spend my free time humping boxes and unloading and sorting and cleaning... oh yeah, and raising four kids. So I'll look into that. Right now I feel I'm active enough FOR NOW. I never sit down it seems until after dinner at 7:30 or 8:00. I'm always exhausted from my day. Right now I'm concentrating on figuring out how to eat for me. I decide I will add FORMAL exercise in slowly. I just vow to keep up and going during the day. She pronounces me fit, wishes me well and sends me home. Okay, now what.
Keep going. It's now September 20th. I'm down about 17.5 pounds. that's about 5 weeks give or take a few days. That's an average of more than 3 pounds a week. Not bad. I know my heavy losses in the first two weeks skew that average, but nonetheless, it gives me a boost mentally and emotionally. Last week I only lost .2 pounds, but I had spent the week kind of slacking as I tried to figure out exactly what would work for me. this week I've lost over 3. So I guess I figured out something good.
Here's what is working for me right now. In the morning I have a quick and easy (and very tasty in my opinion) shake. I add to a cup of skim milk one scoop of designer whey protein powder (vanilla is my favorite), a 1/4 cup of blueberries (or 1/2 a cup if I want it really blueberry-ee ?lol), two teaspoons of benefiber to boost my fiber (no taste, yay!) and two packets of splenda for a little sweetness. I find this really yummy and thick and creamy and it keeps me full until lunch.
For lunch I'll have another shake if I'm really busy, and if not I'll make an omelet with veggies, or some other egg dish that I can whip up in a non stick pan real quick, or I'll whip out the George Foreman grill and grill some chicken or salmon (love salmon... mmmm mmmm good). Throw some wheat rice and/or some veggies and a tall glass of skim milk (I love milk, it is my dairy of choice)..yep.. yum. For dinner I'll make the kids one thing and me another if I can't make what they are eating work for me, but since I'm trying to clean up their diet as well as mine, I usually can eat some of what's on the table. I try to keep it simple. I love greek yogurt, 100 calorie packs of smartfood popcorn, and sugar free jello cubes for snack. sometimes I'll splurge on some low fat icecream but I have trouble controlling myself, so I'd rather go have a real scoop now and then at brusters than bring it into the house. That way my indulgence becomes an intentional outing, not a bored sugar fed craving in the middle of the night. Trying to leave room for treats while being true to my plan. I try to eat between 1200 and 1300 calories a day. I have a great free app for my android phone. It's the spark people app. If you've never been to spark people it is a great site. you can track food, set goals, etc. It's all free. I like to hang out at this more intimate sight, but I love the app for my phone. I put everything I eat in there to make sure I am not eating too little or too much. I can track my protein fiber and carb counts, and of course my calorie counts. It's really handy to stop me from forgetting what I've eaten all day and it makes it easier to plan and to stick to my plan. I highly recommend it if you have a droid!
Well, that's the beginning of my journey. I've gone on for a while. I hope I didn't bore you all, but I want to remember everything and I wanted to start at the beginning. I want to remember my success, because I will succeed. I have to. My life depends on it. literally and figuratively. Next time I'll talk about some of the things I'm looking forward to seeing on the way, not the least of which is my feet!! :) Here's a couple of pics of me before. they are hard to find. I don't have any really recent ones. I keep meaning to take one but I keep forgetting. I've spent so long avoiding the camera that it is hard to find a picture of me, but here's a few from the last six months. My after pictures are going to be a lot better. stick with me. Here I go! This first one is me almost a year ago! I was not at my heaviest then! this is the day we got our puppies! My cheeks are so chipmunk.
This is me this past Christmas with my youngest, Abby. She was Mary in the nativity play at school. Gained some weight from puppy times but still not my heaviest. Got a nice muffin top going... Well, that's the last one I have. I haven't had my picture taken since Christmas. Shows how as the weight topped 210 I started hiding from the world. I'm going to try to get a picture taken of me in the next few days. I'm thinking I'm probably BACK to about this size now after losing the 17 pounds. A long way to go, but compared to the years I have left to live, it won't be too long... and after all, this will put more LIFE in my remaining years.
Well, I've recently told that devil on my shoulder to get down under my heel where he belongs. I'm gonna crush him. I've survived much worse than having to lose weight. I've survived two abusive marriages! I've survived humiliation and defeat. I've survived betrayal and pain. I've survived as a single mom, and now I'm thriving as a happily married mom of 4 beautiful children. I've been saved by the love of God, and I've got nowhere to go but up from here. So why not I say? why not lose 100 pounds? ......oh there, I've said it... 100 pounds. It sounds so freaking daunting. Good lord... lots of diets say you should lose a pound or two a week. Okay, one pound a week, that's 100 weeks. geesh. That's a long time.
So I looked at myself in the mirror on August 12th, 2010. I'm fat. I'm way fat. I'm 240 pounds fat, and only 5'3" tall. Well, technically I'm 5' 3 1/2". I round it up to 5'4". Us short people need a break, after all. I've never been this heavy. My previous high was 235. I had lost a lot of weight right before my divorce in 2007. I'd been married 14 years and felt I finally had a handle on my life. I had lost 65 pounds on weight watchers. It was the first time I had ever lost more than 20. I thought I had made a permanent lifestyle change. I thought I would be able to live that way forever. Then I got the email. It said "I think my wife is cheating on me with your husband". That was the beginning of the end. My life went into a downward spiral - two marriages, four children, abandoned for what? some relationship on the internet? what is wrong with these people? I tried to hold it together, and I didn't gain a pound through the whole divorce proceedings... it was being a single mom that made me fat again. Well, that and Milk Duds. Milk Duds are evil. So much for the lifestyle change. I was so tired all the time. I worked at a preschool teaching two year olds and I was constantly sick with bronchitis or pneumonia. It wasn't for me. My health wasn't strong enough, but I wasn't qualified to do anything else. I had dropped out of college to marry the man who just left me. what a bad bad idea. Hindsight is so 20/20 isn't it?
So here I was. 38 years old and staring at this fat girl in the mirror. Knowing there was more to me than this big hanging gut and this fat face. If I frame my face with my hands I can almost see the "skinny" face inside the fat one. I feel like that's the real me. That's the one that deserves to be facing the world. I just need to let her out. I count the months. I'll be 40 on November 5th, 2011. 40 seems a milestone. I feel if I don't get a grip on my health by then I'll never get a grip. Then it will all come, diabetes, heart disease, joint disease... what else? My asthma will grow worse, my self esteem will drop even more. Worst of all I'd prove to myself that I don't have what it takes to make a change in my life. That I'm just not capable. So I look my fat self in the face and I make her a promise. This time I'm doing what's right for her. What's healthy and what's happy. I'm not going to follow any particular diet. I'm going to research for as long as it takes and I'm going to do this the right way for ME, for my body. I want MY body to have energy, My body to feel good, my lips to smile when I look in the mirror, my mind to say "yeah, you look good girl". As the blue eyed crooner said "I'm gonna do it my way!". I've got little clue where to start but I say this is it. 100 pounds by my 40th birthday. from 240 to 140. I haven't seen 140 for about 20 or 25 years. Can my body even get there anymore? how many pounds is that a week... hmmm.. kind of ambitious.. should I change my goal? Hell no.... if I "fail" and don't reach my goal by 20 pounds, have I really failed? No way! I've won..and won big.
First I went to my doctor. I told her the following. "I'm ALWAYS hungry. I never feel full. It takes massive amounts of food to fill me up. My servings are huge, and if they aren't I am snacking all night. I eat when I'm starving and I eat when I'm bored, and I eat when I'm sad and I eat when I am happy. My life pretty much revolves around my next sweet treat because I'm addicted to sugar. I can't stop. I always want more. I need help, tell me what to do." She gave me a medicine. She said it would help for a while to curb the ravenous appetite. She said my body would get used to it, probably quickly, within a few weeks. She said it would give me time to start some new habits without feeling miserable and starving all the time. I was happy but doubtful. I've been fat for years. why has nobody given me this before? Well, I tried it. It isn't that I wasn't hungry, it was that I felt I didn't NEED it anymore. I felt almost like it was some willpower in a pill. It helped me tremendously that first week. My first week I lost 7 pounds. I ate great, never straying. It was really inspiring and happy. I knew I couldn't keep that up. I also know I tended to lose a lot of weight in the first two weeks of my diet. I was happy but I wasn't fooling myself. I now have 34 more pounds to lose, just to get to that magical ONEderland of under 200 pounds. I'm in this for the long haul. I went to the doctor after one month. I'd lost 13 or 14 pounds by then. She took an EKG, patted me on the back and asked me if I was doing any exercise. Well, some. I did an aqua aerobics class I liked, but haven't been back because I've been on a major housecleaning, shed cleaning kick and spend my free time humping boxes and unloading and sorting and cleaning... oh yeah, and raising four kids. So I'll look into that. Right now I feel I'm active enough FOR NOW. I never sit down it seems until after dinner at 7:30 or 8:00. I'm always exhausted from my day. Right now I'm concentrating on figuring out how to eat for me. I decide I will add FORMAL exercise in slowly. I just vow to keep up and going during the day. She pronounces me fit, wishes me well and sends me home. Okay, now what.
Keep going. It's now September 20th. I'm down about 17.5 pounds. that's about 5 weeks give or take a few days. That's an average of more than 3 pounds a week. Not bad. I know my heavy losses in the first two weeks skew that average, but nonetheless, it gives me a boost mentally and emotionally. Last week I only lost .2 pounds, but I had spent the week kind of slacking as I tried to figure out exactly what would work for me. this week I've lost over 3. So I guess I figured out something good.
Here's what is working for me right now. In the morning I have a quick and easy (and very tasty in my opinion) shake. I add to a cup of skim milk one scoop of designer whey protein powder (vanilla is my favorite), a 1/4 cup of blueberries (or 1/2 a cup if I want it really blueberry-ee ?lol), two teaspoons of benefiber to boost my fiber (no taste, yay!) and two packets of splenda for a little sweetness. I find this really yummy and thick and creamy and it keeps me full until lunch.
For lunch I'll have another shake if I'm really busy, and if not I'll make an omelet with veggies, or some other egg dish that I can whip up in a non stick pan real quick, or I'll whip out the George Foreman grill and grill some chicken or salmon (love salmon... mmmm mmmm good). Throw some wheat rice and/or some veggies and a tall glass of skim milk (I love milk, it is my dairy of choice)..yep.. yum. For dinner I'll make the kids one thing and me another if I can't make what they are eating work for me, but since I'm trying to clean up their diet as well as mine, I usually can eat some of what's on the table. I try to keep it simple. I love greek yogurt, 100 calorie packs of smartfood popcorn, and sugar free jello cubes for snack. sometimes I'll splurge on some low fat icecream but I have trouble controlling myself, so I'd rather go have a real scoop now and then at brusters than bring it into the house. That way my indulgence becomes an intentional outing, not a bored sugar fed craving in the middle of the night. Trying to leave room for treats while being true to my plan. I try to eat between 1200 and 1300 calories a day. I have a great free app for my android phone. It's the spark people app. If you've never been to spark people it is a great site. you can track food, set goals, etc. It's all free. I like to hang out at this more intimate sight, but I love the app for my phone. I put everything I eat in there to make sure I am not eating too little or too much. I can track my protein fiber and carb counts, and of course my calorie counts. It's really handy to stop me from forgetting what I've eaten all day and it makes it easier to plan and to stick to my plan. I highly recommend it if you have a droid!
Well, that's the beginning of my journey. I've gone on for a while. I hope I didn't bore you all, but I want to remember everything and I wanted to start at the beginning. I want to remember my success, because I will succeed. I have to. My life depends on it. literally and figuratively. Next time I'll talk about some of the things I'm looking forward to seeing on the way, not the least of which is my feet!! :) Here's a couple of pics of me before. they are hard to find. I don't have any really recent ones. I keep meaning to take one but I keep forgetting. I've spent so long avoiding the camera that it is hard to find a picture of me, but here's a few from the last six months. My after pictures are going to be a lot better. stick with me. Here I go! This first one is me almost a year ago! I was not at my heaviest then! this is the day we got our puppies! My cheeks are so chipmunk.
This is me this past Christmas with my youngest, Abby. She was Mary in the nativity play at school. Gained some weight from puppy times but still not my heaviest. Got a nice muffin top going... Well, that's the last one I have. I haven't had my picture taken since Christmas. Shows how as the weight topped 210 I started hiding from the world. I'm going to try to get a picture taken of me in the next few days. I'm thinking I'm probably BACK to about this size now after losing the 17 pounds. A long way to go, but compared to the years I have left to live, it won't be too long... and after all, this will put more LIFE in my remaining years. Blessings, Tanya
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