Okay, I admit that I'm not the perfect mom. I'm sure that was no big surprise to any of you that are parents because the quickest and most sure way to be completely and totally humbled is to have children.When you look into the face of perfection, just moments after birth, and realize how absolutely unequipped you are to do right by this little piece of heaven, you start to realize how fallible you really are.
Today though, I am sitting here just seething. I'm seething because my son Jackson thinks that copying five words out is the equivalent to having his toenails ripped out with pliers one by one. I am seething because my sweet daughter Abby is kicking her little feet and making 5 minutes worth of homework last 45. I am seething because my ex husband did not return my son's piano book, so he has nothing to practice with all week. I am seething because I feel as if I should have figured out by now how to peacefully navigate the homework/after school thing and I haven't.
Now because I am a woman I can tell you this. I was not seething 10 minutes ago. I will probably not be seething by the time I'm done writing this blog entry. Right this second however, I am in an incredibly large, all consuming seethe. My teeth are clenched, I dislike 2 out of my 4 children, and my traitorous mind is saying "you really need to go find something composed of caramel and chocolate and eat it as fast as humanly possible". My head is pounding in time to my heart somewhere right in the middle of my forehead . I know my face has an ugly look on it. I can feel that it is all pinched up and tense. Why is it that I can get SO angry SO fast, and then be happy as a pig in slop 30 minutes later? I used to be much more consistently mild mannered before I started this whole mysterious thing my doctor calls "peri-menopause",which as far as I can tell means "you are going slowly crazy and are just going to get more so over the next 10 or 15 years until your whole reproductive system finally just shuts down and you at long last feel normal again". (look it up, I'm sure that definition is in the dictionary somewhere!).
Okay, I've been sitting typing about ten minutes and I can feel the seethe passing. Is "the seethe" even a correct usage of words? If it isn't it should be! I'm loving all the children again. My sore clenched jaw is starting to loosen up and I'm slightly less annoyed with all the childish prattle in the background. Also, my reasoning mind that is slowly reasserting itself is happy that I had no milk duds in the house for the last ten minutes. It tells me I should go eat a healthy lunch. It chastises me that it is 3:15 and I haven't had lunch yet. tsk. tsk. I can answer Abby's question with a smile (slightly forced, but it's there). "yes, darling, you can have an applesauce. Of course you can." move the jaw back and forth and try the smile again. okay, that's a bit better. I've been doing this several times a day, this kind of mini rebellion of the good mom. I really need to loosen up or something. Or maybe the kids just need to start freakin' LISTENING to me! oh, did I say that out loud? Did I write that down?
The Tanya Seethe. I'd say not as bad as a Blowup but worse than a Peeve. About the equivalent maybe of a Rant, although my husband would probably tell you that depends entirely on the rant. I'm not fond of them, but maybe for now it's the way my mind and body have chosen to deal with the stress of four kids, a husband, and ex, two dogs and a crazy schedule. Another thing to look into. I'll add it to the list.
Now, where'd I put that darn list anyway?
