I want a new drug.

Remember the Huey Lewis song?

I want a new drug 
One that won't make me sick 
One that won' make me crash my car 
Or make me feel three feet thick

I want a new drug 
One that won't hurt my head 
One that won't make my mouth too dry 
Or make my eyes too red

One that won't make me nervous 
Wondering what to do 
One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you 
When I'm alone with you

I want a new drug 
One that won't spill 
One that don't cost too much 
Or come in a pill

I want a new drug 
One that won't go away 
One that won't keep me up all night 
One that won't make me sleep all day

One that won't make me nervous 
Wondering what to do 
One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you 
When I'm alone with you 
I'm alone with you baby

I want a new drug 
One that does what it should 
One that won't make me feel too bad 
One that won't make me feel too good

I want a new drug 
One with no doubt 
One that won't make me talk too much 
Or make my face break out

One that won't make me nervous 
Wondering what to do 
One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you 
When I'm alone with you

I never got that song when it came out, having never done 

drugs. However, now that I'm just

turned 38 (how did that happen by the way?), and have had 

years of prescription drugs 

behind me, I am singing an "Amen" chorus when I think of 

this song. 

I'm doing the perimenopause thing. For two weeks out of 

the month I'm a total lunatic, 

unable to control my emotions, my actions, or the words

that come out of my mouth in any 

significant way. I've been on two different anti-

depressants and a hormone spray, and last 

week I went to the doctor and literally said "I want a 

new drug". I just want to feel normal

again. My normal, non_witchy self. Well, she gave me a 

new drug, so I'm trying again and 

we'll see how this works. I really want my life back 

from this insanity of crazy PMS! I have

the only husband in the world who prays for his wife 

to bleed! That's just not right! 

On another note, I just turned 38. how do I feel about

38? surprisingly, much like I felt 

about 37... can't quite believe I'm this old and 

don't remotely have it together yet. the 

older I get, the less I care about my birthdays. The less 

I care about my age and the more I 

care about my health. The less I care about what "people" 

think, and the more I care about 

what my husband and my God think. A lot of growing older 

is good. I like not needing everybody

to approve of me. I like that I don't care that much 

anymore, that I know who I am and you 

can take me or leave me. Things I don't love so much 

about getting older. Dye resistant gray

hair. bones aching for no apparent reason. harder to 

lose weight. blah blah. No biggie is it? 

I've got nothing to complain about...but I do pray 

the new drug WORKS!  

In praise of the Kindle.

Okay, nobody is a bigger bibliophile than I.. I love everything about a book..... the smell and the feel of the paper, the sound of the pages turning, the naughty thrill of dogearing that page that my exhusband would have yelled at me for dogearing... oh yes......I DO love a book. 

What I don't love is the cost. and the space limitations. and the piles of cheap paperbacks that end up all over my house.

My husband bought me a kindle for my birthday. My wonderful sweet husband. Granted, my birthday isn't for another week as I write this and he gave it to me LAST week. I didn't say he was patient, just that he was sweet and wonderful. Once he had it, he just HAD to give it to me. I adore this thing. it took some getting used to. No smell, no pages... only slick clean plastic. push a button instead of turn it. no need to prop it open with a glass while trying to eat cereal and read at the same time. what do I do with this thing? Well, it's been a week and I'll tell you what I do with it... READ... lots!!!! It doesn't strain the eyes. It's easier on the eyes than an actual book is! It's light, it's compact, and right now I have over 40 books on it that I downloaded mostly for free off the kindle store. I have all the best sellers waiting for me for instant delivery for only 9.99... I feel like I have the world at my little happy fingertips! It is awesome. Will I stop reading real books? probably not. Will I be a lot more picky about what I buy at the actual bookstore? you bet your little buns I will. I'm going to focus on getting excellent editions of my all time favorite books instead of squandering all my money on cheap paperbacks! I'll cut back tremendously on the trees killed to feed my habit and at the same time still get to enjoy my REAL books, but more like a connoisseur, not as a fast food junkie. Yes, I am a happy girl. reading to my heart's content once again...

Heaven help us all, another Melancholy Child.

Back in the 90's there was a song by Pam Tillis called "Melancholy Child". The first time I heard it, tears filled my eyes, and my heart hurt so bad I thought I was going to fall down dead. I haven't heard the song in years. It seems to have disappeared from the face of the earth. It was hauntingly beautiful and yet filled with such sadness and longing. For a long time I didn't know why that song affected me so much, but as I grow older I have come to realize why. There is a melancholy child living inside me. She is the one that tears up for no apparent reason, the one who can't watch the news because she can't handle what she hears. The one that feels lonely in a crowded room. The one whose heart breaks and she can't tell you why it is breaking. She's lived there for a long time. I can't remember a time she wasn't with me. Below are a few of the lyrics that affected me so much so many years ago, and that still affect me today, as I look into my son's eyes, so very much like mine, and see signs of that Melancholy child in him.

"The sounds of my childhood still linger in my song
My mother's lullaby, that train that ran behind our home
A whippoorwill on a window sill - It should have made me smile
But everything sounds lonesome to a melancholy child

I met a kind and gentleman who thinks the world of me
And when he looks my way it is a woman that he sees
But when I can't explain to him the tears that fill my eyes
He takes me in his arms and rocks his melancholy child

There are thorns on every rose to this I'm reconciled
They're just a little sharper to a melancholy child
And in my own babe's eyes I see the signs of melancholy child
Heaven help us all, another melancholy child"

This Blog isn't going to be a sad blog about my inner crybaby though... I called it this in order to finally validate that lonesome little child inside me. I just recently realized that she lived there, and knowing she's there has freed me in a way. This blog is about the road I'm on. the road to self acceptance- knowing and understanding who I am and being just fine with it.  It's a blog about my life. My four kids, my husband, My gracious God. It's a place to put down all the thoughts and memories we make along the way. I don't know yet if it will just be for me and my best friends, or for others to share too. Time will tell. For now, it is what it is. Shout out to Lisa, my darling friend, for inspiring me to get started finally on this blog I created some time ago! She's always been an inspiration and a friend among friends to me. I love you Lisa! and again I say, Damn Idaho!