All the wishing in the world. (or can't I just enjoy some ice cream?)

So I'm doing terrible on my healthy eating. I'm trying, but only kind of. It's really easy to get me off track. The last two days I've woken up hungry, and I'm thinking that is a good sign. Normally I'm never hungry because I eat so often I don't get a chance to be hungry. So this must mean I'm eating less, right? right? maybe? I don't know why I can't get serious. I NEED to get serious, because I am seriously FAT, and I am seriously going to be UNHEALTHY if I don't get a handle on this weight. That is serious, so why aren't I BEING serious about the weight loss?

I would like to think it isn't because I am just lazy and really want to eat what I want to eat. I would like to think that I have more control over myself than that, but sometimes I think... okay, if it waddles (literally) like a duck, quacks like a duck, etc...*sigh*

Sometimes I just get tired of thinking about it.  Sometimes I just want to live and NOT have my weight be an issue, but when I live that way I am just pretending, because it is an issue. It affects how I act, how I move, my health, and how I think about myself. It does affect everything, so it is an issue, but I wish it wasn't. 

All the wishing in the world won't make something happen though. I CAN'T eat what I want when I want, in the quantities I want and be a healthy weight. Yet my biggest problem seems to be that when I get at something I like, I can't just eat a LITTLE. I have to eat it ALL.  It's like any health knowledge, self preservation skills, will power, and good intentions just evaporate like a light morning fog when I'm faced with Yumminess. 

Especially sugary yumminess.

I have trouble with moderation it seems. Let's just put that out there. Sometimes when I write stuff down I seem to process it better. 

Speaking of processing issues, here's another one I'm facing right now.  My son, Jackson. He's had so much trouble with school the last two years. He's really made very little progress academically, and it's just recently we've started discovering that it isn't just willful disobedience - that his little brain just doesn't tick like most people, and we've been going through a lot in hopes of finding some solutions. I think HE is starting to get a glimmer of hope, and that gives us hope as parents.  The crux of this issue for me though is this: I'll be homeschooling him this year. Gosh, that's hard. I'm terrified. He and I historically butt heads pretty badly over homework and I just keep thinking, it's ALL going to be HOME work now!!! I won't lie and say I have any confidence whatsoever about this undertaking. I have no choice. I am the only one for him right now. I am the one he needs. Lord, I am scared though.  I have a homeschooling conference for three days at the end of this month and I'm going to be staying at a hotel for the duration (thursday and friday night). My goal is to be alone with all the information I gather and the Lord and my bible and to pray and seek him in solitude for the wisdom and direction I will need to lead Jackson this year in the direction he needs to go. I really feel the Lord and I are going to need a very serious pow wow about this. I need His strength and His direction and His wisdom for this undertaking. There is no way I will make it without Him. It seems my life constantly reminds me how little I can do in my own power. You'd think I'd remember it more often wouldn't' you? But no, I flail around like a lame duck on my own for however long and then go "oh, I guess I should be seeking the Lord about this!". My goal here is to seek the Lord FIRST and not do the lame duck thing.  What a concept!!!

Oh, and on a VERY happy note, my brother accepted the Lord Jesus as his saviour! I've been praying for this for over 17 years. Just goes to show, NEVER give up praying. God is always working behind the scenes.

Let's hope it gets HOT!

After yesterdays post, I got some requests to post a picture of our vacation savings thermometer. I hope that temperature rises fast!! Here it is! The children can all quote without looking "OUR INCREDIBLE, AMAZING, AWESOME, FAMILY VACATION ADVENTURE!" I think I'll need to get T-shirts made when the time comes that say just that.

Fat woman flies!!!! (or Yep, that is my butt!)

When I started writing again last year it was because I wanted to chronicle my health journey, and speak on things that plagued my mind, kind of "talking it out" with my friends and family as I wrote.  I remember that I had big plans to be "fit not fat by 40". Well, I'll be 40 in about 4 months and I'm not fit and I'm still fat. Let's just get that out there. I went terribly awry somewhere along the way. I gained back much of the 25 pounds I lost, though not ALL of it. I'm about 10 pounds less than when I started last time. I've joined Weight Watchers recently and I've thought a lot about how I eat, how I live, and how to make healthy eating easier for my lifestyle. I'm trying to "engineer my environment" to help me.  I made a spreadsheet this morning with all the staples we tend to have around the house all the time on it, and their WW points plus values. I'm going to laminate it and stick it on the fridge so I can see at a glance and have no excuse to be lazy and not track it. I went online and designed myself a plate! Did you know you can do that? It's a plate to remind me of my goals and to remind me what I should be putting on the plate!  When I get it in the mail, I'll post a picture of it. I've decided that my mind likes to trick me and that the only way I'll win this battle is to trick it back, so I'm trying to think of the things that get me off track and proactively trying to find ways to work around them and derail my minds evil plans. I really want to be healthy and strong and I'm never going to give up, no matter how many times I have failed. I will figure out what works for me, and I will succeed. I will. Just you wait and see.

I haven't written for several months and there has been some highlights.  My husband and I went on our first ever getaway since our marriage. It was just a short weekend in Bryson, NC, but it was WONDERFUL. We so needed that time alone and away.  It was an anniversary present for my husband, from me, and I planned it full of stuff I thought he would enjoy doing. The one thing he always wanted to do was ziplining. I am dreadfully scared of heights so it always gave me a not so pleasant feeling in the pit of my stomach to think about zipping through the treetops tethered only by a small metal clip and a piece of string. I read and researched and read reviews and after several hours of this talked myself into buying us two tickets for ziplining. He was thrilled, but right up until we zipped the first time, I felt slightly nauseous. Guess what? Fat women can fly!!!! More amazingly, it was FUN. The only problem for me was that whenever I would get going too fast I would take a little mini panic attack and grab hold of the line (you are NOT supposed to do that, you are supposed to just lay the flat of your hand on the line to slow yourself down). When you grab the line, you stop jarringly, painfully, and suddenly and THIS happens:

ziplining, Bryson, NC

Yep, that is my butt! In all it's glory. flipped upside down by my panicked grabbing of the line on

a 637 foot zipline. Still, I did it. I enjoyed it, and the only fear I felt was actually when we were 

standing on the platforms in between zips. They were high up and looking down gave me that feeling like my body was against its will leaning towards the vast empty spaces below me.  So I started landing on the platforms and immediately hugging the tree in the middle of the platform and not looking down. Yes, I became a tree hugger. Literally. 

The thing that makes me so proud is that this is probably the first time I've ever VOLUNTARILY faced

down one of my fears and overcame it. I've been forced to face my fears before, but it isn't the same thing. I DECIDED to face this one, for my husband, because I loved him and wanted him to do something he'd always wanted to do. Because I didn't want to hold him back. And it wasn't 

that big of a deal. Infact, it was fun and I'd love to do it again! I think I'll make that picture this years Christmas card. 

Another highlight since I last wrote. I finally really figured out this budget thing. I don't do it the way most people might, but I've found a system that works for me. It isn't pefect, but I generally know how much is in the bank, how much we have for any given budget item and what we will be able to do about things we need coming up. I've got a tiny bit going into savings on a regular basis and I'm getting most of the bills paid. I say most because we still have some medical bills from Josh's surgery we are trying to pay off that are above and beyond our monthly budget. I'm even starting to make slow progress on those. I have to say no a lot. No Honey, we can't afford new wood for your lathe, No kids, you can't have that, No kids, we have no money to eat out, No Tanya, you can't go to the craft store. No, No, No. But at least I'm not saying "No, electricity bill, you can't be paid". That's what matters.  That's a personal victory, because I've been trying and failing at budgets for 20 years. 

Thank you Lord for the creator of the "box budget" spreadsheet. For me, with Josh getting paid each week, it's the only thing that has helped me keep track. I'm a complicated girl, with the need for an uncomplicated budget. I'm proud I've figured something out. I'm actually now at the point where I can PLAN AHEAD FINANCIALLY. I've never been able to do that. 

Speaking of planning ahead financially, there is big exciting news around the Cockrell House!  We are taking a family vacation!!! When, you may ask? Well, whenever we save up enough money! But we are going! It occurred to me one day that if we didn't actively plan and save to take a family vacation we would never go before the kids were grown. You just don't "happen" to end up with enough extra money to take six people on vacation! Ever. My kids (after next month) will be 8,8,10, and 14. The next year or two is, to me, the perfect time to take them on a family vacation when they will be young enough to still be filled with wonder and not be "too cool for school" about the places we go. So

I talked to the kids about where they wanted to go most, and thought to myself about what would make a family vacation for them and us just the best ever, and did a bunch of online research to figure out how much a vacation such as that might cost. (a LOT!!). I then printed out many pictures of all the places (most notably, the wizarding world of Harry Potter/Universal Studios and Discovery Cove Florida) that we wanted to go (also seaworld and busch gardens) and laminated them and made a giant poster with all the pictures surrounding a large (about three feet tall) thermometer. Each line on the

thermometer represents 500 dollars towards our goal. I don't know how long it is going to take, but hopefully within the next 12-18 months we can make really good progress and take the longed after family vacation. It is probably the only one the kids will get until they are grown, the only big one anyway, so I want to make it good. I want to make it memorable.  The kids are super excited about having this to look forward to. Any friend who comes in the house is immediately shown the thermometer and told of our plans. The 3 smaller kids have been crushing pop cans for ...has to be... at least a year now. They crush the cans and we put them in big black garbage bags. They've got two big black bags. The idea was, they crush all the pop cans and when we take them in for recycling they get to split the money between the three of them. Well, they've decided they want to put that money in the family vacation fund and see the thermometer go up by that much. I was impressed with this sacrifice and told the kids that whenever they sacrificed something of theirs for the common cause of a family vacation, I would find a place to sacrifice in the budget to match their contribution. So that their sacrifice would double. So if they get 30 dollars for their cans, 60 dollars will end up in the fund. They love this. I have set an automatic savings plan to come out of the paycheck each week. 10 dollars into the vacation fund. It's a tiny amount I know, but we're also saving for an emergency fund and most of the money has to go to that until it's reached a reasonable level since we have no credit cards anymore to fall back on in an emergency. But I just want the kids to see the thermometer going up, no matter how slow, so that they can see we ARE making progress towards our goal. I think it's cool. It gives me and the kids something to look forward to, and gives the family another thing to work towards together. I'm all for everything and anything that makes the family more of a team. 

Well, I just wanted to post and say "I'm back" and I'm still fighting.  Some things have gotten better since I stopped writing seven months ago, some have gotten worse, but life goes on and God is good! I'm glad to be back.