1/3rd of the way there, but this is so hard (or, I've lost that loving feeling! now it's gone, gone, gone.whoawhoaoooo)

Today is a good day. I've obliterated 33 pounds and I'm amazed to find I'm 1/3rd of the way to my goal  of losing 100 pounds! In honor of the occasion I am posting my progress picture below. Can you tell a difference?

I look at the pictures and I can see a few small things. I can see that my second chin is much smaller, that the dip where my waist should be is more pronounced, but the things I can't see in the picture are the things that really make a difference. I fit in REAL jeans, not old lady fat jeans. Jeans I haven't been able to wear for 3 years or so. My legs are hard and muscular. My butt is more muscle than jiggle now. My stomach is smaller. My strength and balance have increased tenfold. My endurance is greater. I've seen and felt a lot of benefits from following this path I'm on. This is the difference a few months and 33 pounds makes.

I would love to say it's been easy, and that I'm feeling pumped up and ready to tackle the last 67 pounds with gusto and grace, but I wouldn't be telling the entire truth. The last four weeks I've been struggling mightily. First, my two babies were gone to California with their dad. Divorce just sucks, and the worst thing about it is having to let your babies go far away with someone you don't particularly like or trust and his family that you like and trust even less. It just never gets easier when they are gone, because I never feel 100 percent confident that they are safe. Don't get me wrong. I know they are taken care of physically, but emotionally and spiritually I don't feel confident of their safety, and that is just hard on me. I try hard to leave it in God's hands, but inevitably I fall into a depression during the two or three weeks of the summer they are gone. I just had a lot of trouble being motivated to do what I had to do, and the emotional eating I try so hard to deal with comes back full force. With that emotional baggage comes fatigue and malaise. I just don't want to DO anything. I don't want to GO anywhere. So going to the gym was hard, eating right was hard, and I gained a week, lost a week, gained a week, lost a week, for the last month. That slow progress served to get me down even more, especially because I don't want to let myself or my trainer down during this biggest loser challenge at my gym. The prize is a free year of dues at the gym! That's awesome. that will save me almost 150 dollars in the coming year. I want to win!! When I gain I feel like I'm letting us both down.

Then there is the FITBIT. After joining a free online site called MY FITNESS PAL, which I highly recommend by the way, I purchased something called a FITBIT. This is a fitbit.  I have the pink one.

 
This handy and tiny little device clips on to your waistband, or in my case, my bra. I pop it on in the morning and it tracks all the steps I take, all the miles I walk, and all the floors of stairs I climb. It syncs up with the information I put in My Fitness Pal and Voila, I have a great picture of all the activity I do each day. I was super excited to get this, and I wear it every day. It is absolutely fabulous. It also, when worn to bed on a wrist strap, will tell you how well you slept! Seriously. It's awesome.

I hate it.

I was feeling so good about all the positive healthy changes I've been making in my life. The fitbit neatly and succinctly tells me that I suck. That I'm essentially a slug, and that even though I go to the gym almost every day, I barely move the rest of the time. It tells me I have to totally step it up, and right now I feel about stepped up to my limit. The idea of having to constantly be exercising for the rest of my life just to keep up to the minimum healthy goals is highly depressing and demotivating. It almost makes me want to give up.

Except it doesn't.

Because it makes me mad. 

I feel in turns despairing (how can I up my activity level by that much every day???),angry (why in hell does this have to be SO hard?) ,fatalistic (why do I even try, I should just give up!) and hopeful (It's little things... maybe I can find ways to do this). It has done what I had hoped it would do when I bought it - it gives me a real picture of how much I move. I just expected that real picture to be better than it is. So now here I am.

I think about my life. The fact is, I spend a lot of time in front of the computer by necessity. I do the budget, and this takes hours for me. I do the bills, and I am currently trying to register Elizabeth for online public school, get Jackson registered for school after a year of homeschooling, and dealing with a lot of medical paperwork for Jackson. This means some days I am sitting there, copying, filling out, scanning, sending, I spend a lot of time driving Jackson back and forth to therapy. I spend a lot of time driving the kids to school when it isn't summer. It just seems my schedule demands a lot of sitting. So the question is, how do I up those steps each day? how do I get 5000 to 10000 steps every day instead of 2500? I do my cardio at the gym, and those days help a lot. Last week I took the kids to the park and did the loop of the walking trail. That helped. I can't do that every day though. Especially not this week when it's 105 degrees out! I can't spend two hours in the gym every day. My schedule just doesn't allow it, and I don't WANT to spend that long in the gym either. I want to have a lifestyle I can maintain long term, and I just know I can't do that long term. So I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out, what can I do every day? I'm trying to think of little things.

1. parking at the far end of the parking lot when I'm on errands.
2. getting my own drink out of the fridge instead of asking the kids to get me one (hey, 20 steps there and 20 steps back... that's 40 extra steps)
3. doing household chores the hard way. make it into more trips, take things one by one.
4. take groceries in two bags at a time, instead of holding as many bags as I can. All those trips back and forth to the car could add a lot of steps.
5. quickly run up and down the church steps a couple of times when I go to church. I go twice a week, and it's the only place I can think of that I encounter stairs since I live in a ranch house. That will give me a couple of flights of stairs and 50 more steps.

I don't know how much these things will add up, but I'm going to give it a try. If you can think of anything else I can work into my normal life please comment! I want my fitbit to become a friend that gives me good news!

So, the bottom line. I'm proud of how far I've come. I'm depressed that the pictures look essentially the same. I'm happy that I'm a third of the way to my goal. I'm depressed that my daily activity is so much less than I felt it was. I'm proud that I refuse to give up. I'm depressed that I'm feeling depressed about where I am. I don't like being in a slump. My mental attitude is everything! If that is not where it belongs, I struggle so hard. I need to write this on my bathroom mirror:

let us fling aside every encumbrance and the sin that so readily entangles our feet. And let us run with patient endurance the race that lies before us, (Hebrews 12:1)

I need patient endurance to keep at this journey of life and health and faith. I need to remember that I can do nothing without the Lord, and that this isn't about me, but about Him.

And whatever you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, and let it be through Him that you give thanks to God the Father.(Col 3:17)

I told myself that I would finish this journey for the Glory of the Lord, and if I lose that focus all is lost. I give it all to you Lord - my attitude, my motivation, my food choices, my exercise, my thought life, and as always, my heart.

Let me run the race to the end, and make you proud.

I've got a brand new pair of rollerskates... (or, Hallelujah, I can feel my toes!)

Here they are:

Aren't they beautiful????

If you will remember back to my blog about my 5k, you will remember that almost immediately my ankles started to feel like they were breaking, and around the 20 minute mark I could literally no longer feel my toes. My 5k angel informed me that it was not normal foot behavior and that I really needed new shoes.

Problem being, new shoes are very expensive - at least good ones are. I had resigned myself to saving up for a few months and eventually getting them when I received a message from the Carolinas that threw me for a loop! It was my cousin (by marriage) miss Debbie Cockrell Brewer and she was offering to buy me a new pair of shoes!! At first I deferred. It was odd, being offered shoes out of the blue by somebody I had only actually met in person once! Yes, we talk a fair bit back and forth on facebook, but still, it seemed awkward. Pride, also, reared it's ugly head for a few brief moments... I can't accept that..surely we can afford a pair of shoes without having to resort to kind offers from relatives in far flung states....

Then a day or two passed and I, still wearing my foot murdering shoes, came to my senses. Here I was, suffering, and on the table was a pefectly good offer of Debbie Brewer's favorite running shoe! I told my husband he needed to make Miss Debbie a really nice bowl on his lathe, because I was about to get some new shoes!

A few days later my shoes arrived in the mail.When I opened the box, that song started going through my head... "I've got a brand new pair of rollerskates!" They were silver and gray and pretty darn sleek looking. I put them on my feet and...OH! it was cushy! There were little gel pad things in the soles somehow. They felt like heaven! I wore them around about 20 minutes in the house and then... ouch. They hurt. Bad. On the side. Turns out my feet were too wide for the regular Asics Gel shoes. I had a blister. BOO!

However, in the wonderful tradition of Amazon.com,  they were super easy to return and also came in wide size. Debbie had made sure of it before ordering them. I got my wider replacement shoes back two days ago. Today I walked 1.5 miles uphill (treadmill hill setting) in these shoes and at the end, I could still feel my toes. My feet don't ache. Normally after a treadmill workout my feet hurt all day, top and bottom. Not today. They feel like happy feet!

Debbie and Graham Brewer, oh how I love you two! What an encouraging and long lasting gift of love and support you have given me. With all this love and support around me (and my ankles!), how can I fail?

I've got a brand new pair of rollerskates, and that's gonna be the key! 200 miles by the new year. That's my goal. I'm gonna give these shoes a workout!

In other news, lookie, lookie, lookie what I made!!!

There's 100 rocks all together, each one represents a pound. From my starting weight of 242, 100 pounds lost will be 142, which is smack dab in the middle of where I'm supposed to be, according to Weight Watchers. I've already got to move 28 rocks from the "to be" jar to the "I have" jar. 28 ugly rocks. Almost a third of the way there. I'm hoping by next year this time my first jar will be near empty, or empty, and the second jar will be full to the brim. I have such a LONG LONG way to go, but I've also come pretty far.

You may have noticed that my long list of adjectives describing what I want to do to the weight does not include the word LOSE. Losing something implies you want to find it again. I don't ever want to find this weight again. I can destroy it, obliterate it, shed it,defeat it, even transform it (to muscle), but to hell with ever finding it again! I'm through with losing pounds and then finding them again. Not only do I usually find the ones I lost, but I pick up a few extra homeless pounds found camping in a van down by the river. Lost pounds usually find friends while they are lost!!! Then they want to bring everybody over for a party. yeah, my pounds are not going to be lost. They are going to be gone, moved on, and passed over. finis.

I see you smiling at me, holding out those chubby little dimpled hands in supplication. Sorry, pounds. I have no pity for you. You have pretended all these years to be my friend, protecting me and comforting me, but you aren't. So wipe that smile off your face, and make tracks.  Call your friends a cab. You don't have to go home, but you all can't stay here. That's my final word.

fish are friends not food... (or exercise is NOT my enemy!)

Have you ever felt like something you wanted to do, knew you needed to do, was just against your very nature? I am reminded of the movie "Finding Nemo". Dory and Marlin meet up with some sharks who are in a 12 step program not to eat fish. Their mantra is "Fish are friends, not food!" Of course, one little drop of fishy blood in the water and all the shark's good intentions are out the window and Dory and Marlin are swimming for their lives!

Historically, this is how I feel about exercise. I know I need to do it. I know it's good for me, but the only exercise I truly want is that of my thumb clicking the "next page" button on my kindle as I read a good novel. It just takes a little whiff of anything MORE fun than exercise in the air for me to want to just drop the idea of working out like a hot potato.

It is not so much that I'm lazy -it's more that I don't like sweating. I don't like being hot. I don't like hurting. In my experience, all those things are involved with exercise.

Also, I am a creature of habit. It's about the laws of physics really. The law of inertia. Things in motion tend to stay in motion, things at rest tend to stay at rest. Well... I've been at rest for a good 5 years at least. That's the last time I was involved in any kind of regimented exercise routine.

If you've been following this blog you know that this time around I STARTED with exercise before the diet. It has worked well for me. In the past I wouldn't even really consider exercise until I had already lost 20 pounds or more. This time I've got exercise built in from the start. I'm about on my third month now of going to the gym across the street from my house and exercising. Currently I am weight training three times a week and working on the couch to 5k program two or three times a week. 

 Now, this goes against everything I thought was in my very nature. I'm starting to get a glimmer here heading into month three though, that maybe my nature is not as prone to rest as I first assumed. I've been getting this feeling a few minutes after doing my couch to 5k every day the last few weeks. It's a feeling of well being, of happiness. Even as I drip sweat into my workout towel and suck back on my water bottle. I mean, I feel great! My friends who run tell me this is called "runner's high". I have heard about this, and assumed it was something people got from inhaling the body odor of all the sweaty people around them at the gym, but no...evidently it is all about endorphins being released into your body! I am loving endorphins. Since I work out around 9 o'clock in the morning I get this great boost to my day. By 10, I already feel like I accomplished a lot!

Last time I worked out with the great and terrible Melissa I went into the workout feeling funky because of the pollen and just overtired from some lack of sleep the last few days. I came out of it dripping sweat and feeling BETTER than when I went in. Seems almost counter intuitive to kick my butt on a workout and come out feeling better, but I do. 

This is one of those things that makes me go Hmmmm. I actually purposely don't exercise on the weekend. Monday this week I was feeling this urge to get to the gym, to do something physical. It was almost like my body... *gasp* missed exercise!

If you haven't started some exercise I encourage you to try to work whatever you can do in, whether that's a 10 minute walk or a full fledged zumba class (I don't DO classes myself, I like to be humiliated by my lack of grace and ill fitting work out gear in a less public setting, thank you very much). I started this journey out of desperation because I was having so much trouble controlling my eating, but I'm continuing because it makes me FEEL good, and I'm already seeing results after only these very few weeks. My hubby actually says my butt feels firmer. That's enough motivation to exercise for another month right there! I'm stronger too... last time I fell behind on laundry and had to take a few baskets to the laundromat to catch up I thought I was about to die from all the lifting and carrying. I did it again a few days ago for the first time since I started exercising and I didn't struggle at all with the baskets. I didn't even get winded, and it was really hot out! It was AMAZING. I felt like superwoman! 

Now I am thinking all sorts of odd things... like.. am I going to become one of those exercise fanatics? surely not. Also, I started wondering... I've lost weight before, I've exercised some (though not the amount I am doing now!), but I've never done them TOGETHER. I wonder how my body will change this time with the toning, muscle building, and fat burning cardio going on at the same time as the calorie reduction and healthy eating? Will it make a big difference. I feel in my heart that it really will, and I am SO excited about it. I can't wait to see where this is going to take me. I have a vision of myself, healthier, stronger, more fit than I've ever been. I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me, so why not this? I have such an incredible amount of weight to lose (from my starting weight of 242 I need to lose at least 100 to be at what is considered an acceptable weight for my height) that it is very hard for me to look in the mirror and see that girl that might be there some day. I really have nothing to go on. I've been skinnier, but I've never been fit. What will MY best body look like? I don't know. It will be a delicious surprise to find out!! I like to think that I'm slowly slowly unwrapping a present of a thinner, fit me. I can only see a little at  a time..... as I peel off the fat wrappings I catch a glimpse (oh, what's that, a curve at my waistline?) or feel a corner (oh, what's that, a rock hard calf muscle?) ... how many months will it be until I can see the me inside the wrappings?  Not too many I hope. 

Join me in some exercise today. It may not be against your nature after all...

underwear and parachutes (or...one should not remind you of the other!)

If you've been a regular reader of my blog, you know that I had a big push last year to be "fit not fat by 40" and that I failed miserably at it. I had pushed the whole weight loss thing to the back burner after that.  I'm so busy living this full and interesting life that I kind of said to myself "do I need to really devote so much energy to this?" Well, the answer, as it turns out, was yes, although it took me several months to figure it out. You might sigh as my faithful reader and say "oh no, here we go again", but sometimes you do something different for what seems a silly reason and your whole world view gets turned upside down... and makes you think that this time... finally... there really might be hope!

This is the moment that something clicked. All my underwear was old and shabby, but as a fat woman I obviously despise clothes shopping in any form. Nobody wants to be reminded how fat you are by trying to squeeze into the biggest size in the store, or roaming the discreetly named "woman's section". I finally decided, however, that the holes and the stains were probably not going to keep the homefires burning, if you get my drift! One look at those and my husband would politely say "um... no thanks". So off to buy some pristine new underwear. Yeah. Following the measurements on the back of the bags I was finally led to some underwear that was "just my size" *sigh... one day I'd love to see some honesty...how about "lard butt designs... this is for YOU fat girl!"* . So anyway, I bought the underwear that "just my size" said was just my size. I guess it's been a few years. When I got home and opened those underwear and unrolled the neat little roll (4 in a pack!) it was more like unfurling a flag than unrolling some underwear. I mean, my 8 year old daughter Abby could use these things as a parachute! My butt could not POSSIBLY be this big. My butt isn't even the fat part of me. I'm an apple and most of my fat is in my stomach. I tried them on with some trepidation, and man, they fit great!!! Okay. So.

Facing the facts #1: My butt WAS that big!
Facing the facts #2: Since my butt is not the biggest part of me, that means my stomach is truly enormous.

I had given up dieting and all that crap a while back. I have been dieting since I was 14. I rarely lost weight, and when I did I would promptly gain it back again plus 20 to memorialize the occasion. This day, however, something clicked in my head. I said to myself... well.... I can't keep doing NOTHING... I'm wearing a parachute for underwear! hmmmm... So I immediately joined weight watchers and started in on my new life.... NOT.

I made a joke about the underwear to my 4 kids, filed the incident in my mind, and got back to my very busy life.

This is the moment that I made up my mind. I had to go to the doctor. I hate going to the doctor. One, it usually means my asthma is flaring up and they are going to put me on cortisone, which for my body means weight gain every time. two, we are always on a tight budget, and a 20 dollar copay for something that is not fun is not at the top of my list of things to spend money on. I actually can't remember now what I went to the doctor for, because whatever it was, it was not what I came away from the appointment remembering. The nurse ushered me into the room, and truthfully I've been expecting for years for them to take bloodwork and tell me I have diabetes. How my body has managed to process all the sugar my sugar addiction has fed it over the years without developing diabetes, I do not know. All I can say is that I must have a very efficient pancreas. It wasn't the shocking news that I'd developed diabetes that sent me to weight watchers though. It wasn't any bad health news in fact. It was this. The nurse took my blood pressure. I've always been 120/80. Rock Solid, for years. Today it was high. Very high. High enough that the nurse immediately took it again. Then she said "your blood pressure is quite high". I reply "It never is. My blood pressure is always great! I took it at CVS the other day on the machine and it was fine". She looks at me a minute, says "hmmmm" (she actually did say Hmmm. I am now officially one of those things that make people go hmmm.) and walks into the other room. She comes back with a different cuff, takes my pressure again, and with a huge sigh of relief she says "now, that's MUCH better". It took me about 30 seconds of wondering if the other cuff was broken to realize what had just happened. There was such a thing as a fat lady blood pressure cuff, and I had graduated to it. 

I went home quite perturbed. I mean, standard medical equipment was no longer able to measure my bulk. This is NOT right. I don't know why this, and not one of the million other indignities suffered by the fat, was the trigger for me, but the underwear and the blood pressure cuff in quick succession shook me up. This was January.

I went home and spent about a month trying to lose weight by myself and it just didn't work. I think I lost two pounds. I couldn't seem to garner the willpower to really change what I was eating. By the end of February I was frustrated and looking for a solution. I knew dieting wasn't it. I knew I had to change my lifestyle but I didn't know how. Well, I knew how... I mean, fat people who have been on diets their whole life generally know WHAT they are supposed to do, they just don't know how to make themselves do it. That was me. I couldn't seem to MAKE myself change my eating habits in any significant way. I knew I couldn't spend my whole life feeling deprived, that I had to eat things I liked, but I had to control my portions and add more healthy choices. I just didn't want to THINK that hard. My life is SO busy. I have four kids, two with special needs that are in therapy several times a week, and I drive two of my four kids to and from school half an hour away every day.I drive two to three hours a day, depending on the day. I also homeschool my youngest son who has a list of syndromes and conditions a mile long, as well as being involved in my church and trying to build a library at my kids small school. I am TIRED at the end of the day. Actually I am usually tired by noon. or 10am. Actually, I'm usually never NOT tired. I just power through my day. I do the family budget, which is a big job for me. I have to stretch a little money a LONG way. I pay the bills, I run the house, and I try to build my small Heritage Makers business. It is easy to make excuses when you are that busy and that tired. Listen to me though.. has anything wonderful and worthwhile ever come easy?

 I decided to go about it backwards. If I exercised, maybe I would not want to wreck it by eating too much. That was the theory anyway. So I joined a gym right near my house called Fitness 19. For only 12 dollars a month I can go anytime they are open. That fits my budget, and my schedule! So I started going, 7 weeks ago now, five days a week. I drop my kids at school and head straight to the gym. I'm a morning person and the earlier something is, the more likely it is I'll get it done. My husband says my brain falls out after 8pm. It's mostly true. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I am using an app on my smartphone to do the couch to 5k program on the great treadmills at the gym. Tue, Thursday I've been strength training with the trainer Melissa at the gym. I bought 5 sessions when I joined for 99 dollars (yay, tax return!). I hate her ALMOST as much as I love her. I have made it a priority to find the money to keep her. I would never make myself do the things she makes me do. I am deliciously sore. I say the soreness means something is happening. Something different. Something good!

And I was right! It did inspire me. After that first sweaty painful couch to 5 k day I wanted the 150 calories the treadmill told me I'd burned to count for something. two or three days later I signed up for WW online and started tracking my food and exercise. The difference this time was that I started exercising first!


In my past weight loss endeavors I would try to lose 20 or 30 pounds before I even considered adding in any exercise. My thought was, what am I going to be able to do at THIS size? having started exercise first this time I can tell you today what I can do at this size... I can complete a 5k at this size. I did it this morning. My first ever, at 40 years old. My first, I hope, of many. I've lost about 15 pounds and about 12 inches since I started all this. I still have 25 pounds to lose just to get under 200, which should be discouraging, but all I can think about is that I completed a flippin' 5k today! I'm incredibly slow, and my best time on the treadmill previously for the 3.1 miles had been 1 hour and 6 minutes, but I finished!! I had a couple of modest goals for this race. 


1) I didn't want to be dead last.
2) I wanted to pass somebody, anybody, and maintain that lead.
3) I wanted to finish in under an hour. 


My results were


1) The bulk of the pack passed me immediately, but there were always some people behind me. I didn't have to elbow my friend Heather, who stayed with me the whole way, even though she recently finished a half marathon, out of the way at the end. Not needed. I am sure Heather is glad. I could take her down, I weigh twice as much as she does!


2)  First I passed a fat guy dressed all in black. I felt sorry for him. He looked hot. All black? really? in Hotlanta? Then I passed a gaggle of three women who looked more like they were out for a stroll than running a race. Hey, I'll take it. I'm 225 pounds. I'm happy I passed anybody! 


3) After the first corner on the race my ankle started to hurt, by the second corner it was in agony. We'd only gone about a  half mile when I thought I would have to walk the whole entire race, if I would make it at all. My goal of finishing in under an hour seemed to fade away as I reset my goal to just finishing. Heather, wonderful Heather my 5k angel, came to my rescue! She suggested just trying to run to the next mailbox or down this hill or to that tree, then to walk. When I stopped feeling my feet she informed me that my sneakers were really bad and that I needed some good shoes. note taken, new shoes this week. As we closed in on 2.5 miles she informed me we still had time to make it, and I ran across the finish line with a time of 52:58. I shaved 13 minutes off my best time, even with my ankle hurting so bad. That tells me that I walk/jog faster off the treadmill than I do on. Time to push harder on that treadmill! And I met goal three. 


Man, does that feel awesome! If you've never run a race at all, I encourage you to go and do a 1 mile fun run at least. Going over that finish line, through the cones lined up like a runway.. a beacon of my achievement, people on each side clapping and cheering me on... I'll never forget that experience. It was a very awesome first. I can see this 5K thing becoming addicting. My hubby, my trainer, Heather the 5k angel, and Julie the cheerleader were all there to cheer me on and make my first 5k experience a wonderful one. 


So it's the exercise. It's going to make the difference. I can feel it deep in my bones (especially right after a work out). I can already see and feel things firming up under the fat. It's already changing my shape some, even at this weight. I'm determined to keep it going.


Very determined. I just signed up at my gym for a "biggest loser" challenge. It starts Monday, May first, and goes for 90 days. The winner will get a prize. I want to win. I'm going to work my butt off to win, but I figure even if I lose, I'll still win!So...it's a win-win situation. Care to cheer me on this time around? I'll even supply you with some hideous before pictures so you can watch the transformation that I know is going to happen. Here I am shortly after I started all this wonderful Insanity. 242 pounds and not quite 5'4. That's considered class II obese! I didn't realize there were classes of Obesity until I found myself falling into the second one during an internet search. I intended to pose in front of the calendar so you could see the date, but when I looked at the pictures Abby took I realized that my width obscures the whole thing. Kind of funny when you think about it. Maybe you'll see more and more of it as I transform. Meanwhile, you'll just have to take my word about it for the date. I started the beginning of March, 2012. Sammy calls the lovely hairstyle my "workout ponytails", because it is what I always do before heading off to the gym. I've included a picture Heather the 5k angel took of me about to cross the finish line sporting the same sexy ponytails, and one of me with Heather the 5k angel and Julie the cheerleader before the race (the angel is the blond one)  It can be done, no matter what your age or size! 

On turning 40 (or, goodness, is it that time already?)

On November 5th, 2011 I turned 40 years old. My main thought that day was "goodness, is it that time already?" Turning 40 is not near as traumatic as turning 30 was for me. At this point I'm just too busy to worry about a little thing like getting older. When you have four kids underfoot all the time, you don't have much time to feel old. You are too busy just trying to survive it! I have learned a few things in four decades though. They may seem like simple things, but it took this lady many many years to take these lessons from my head to my heart. Here's my top 10. In no particular order......

1)  You will never please everybody, so stop trying.  Figure out who is most important to you, and try to please them.  For me it is God and my husband. In that order. If you are doing that right, and somebody else doesn't like it, they aren't your friends anyway. Let them go.

2) You'll never know who your true friends are until you go through a horrible crisis. Then you will know, and you will be surprised who lets you down and who doesn't. Hold on to those people who don't, and never let them go. 

3) The way you look is not who you are. This one continues to be hard. My great expectations of being "fit not fat by 40" were a dismal failure. I've actually gained weight. I'm heavier than I've ever been. Does this disappoint me? Yes, terribly. I'm frustrated at myself and my body. But I've also realized that I can't wait to live life until I'm a healthy weight. I may NEVER get there, and then where will my life be? Wasted in waiting. My weight is not who I am. If you think I'm lazy because I'm fat (this is a very common misconception people have about heavy people) come live my life for a week. You'll beg to have yours back. Some people just have a lot more problem with weight control than other people. It doesn't make that person less than. I believe this with all my heart, but it's hard when you are judged on your weight, to keep your head up.   If you are one of those people who never has struggled with weight, have some compassion and look past the fat. There is a person under there. One just like you.


4) Do your best, and move on. Not everything you set out to do will be a success. No matter how hard you try, how hard you want it to work out, or how much you pray - sometimes you will fail. Oh well. Do your best, and move on. There's always another hill infront of you, and if you don't try, you'll never get anywhere. If it fails, it fails. It doesn't make YOU a failure. The only way YOU become a failure is if you don't try at all. 

5) The past is the past. Leave it there.  who has time to be eaten up by regret, bitterness, hate and anger? NOBODY does. We can't change one thing about the past. The only thing we can change is the future, so quit living in the past. The past is past. Leave it there. Sometimes it hurts to let go of old grudges, and pains. You have made them into old friends, but they aren't your friends.. they will cause you to die old and alone. let them go.

6) Do what you know is right, no matter what. You might lose friends. You might make enemies. But you will sleep like a baby and stand with a clear conscience before God's throne. There's nothing worth more than this.

7) Get Saved. Seriously, I don't know how people get through this life without Jesus, and the hope of their salvation. I'd be dead by now if I didn't have the Lord. If you don't know Jesus, make it a point to get to know him. You won't ever be sorry you did.


8) You will be happier if you are thinking about other people more often than you are thinking about yourself. Let's face it, we all spend WAY  too much time wrapped up in our own little world and our own little problems. Even those of us with problems that are pretty big still have little problems when we compare them with much of the world. We are a spoiled people in America. Even the poorest of us have more than 85 percent of the world does. It's natural for us to be concerned with ourselves and our families and friends, and it's not wrong. I'm just saying, the more you are involved in helping others, through church ministry, mission, or just by being a friend, the less time you have to think about your own stuff. And the happier you will be. 

9) Be happy with what you've been given. We all sometimes wish we had more of something. usually money. Lately I've been wishing I had unlimited funds for therapy for my two children who desperately need therapy. I would be so happy if I could just get them everything they needed and didn't need to worry about if I could afford it. We can't help having those thoughts sometimes, but if you generally live with an "attitude of gratitude" as they say, you will be a much more content person. I have begun in the last few years to make a practice of looking at the big picture and seeing all my many many blessings. For every bad situation there is a good thing that will come out of it. We just have to search for it. Yes, sometimes life is really hard and I WISH that things could be easier, but if I try to look at what I've been given rather than what has been withheld, my whole attitude changes for the better.  We've all been given a lot. Just make yourself look for it. You will find it.

10) Don't stop trusting people just because you've been burned a few times.  I'm an EXTREMELY trusting person. I tend to always think the best of most people. I try to find a reason to excuse them for bad behaviour. (they've had a bad day, they are tired, maybe they are late for work, maybe their dog died). Okay, maybe they are just jerks, but we don't KNOW that. I've been burned bad, a couple of times. Part of you wants to shut down, shut off, and shut out the world when that happens. But no man is an island. Living apart from connection with people is not what God wants for us. Be discerning, yes, but don't stop giving people your trust. Many people will surprise you by earning it! Living with a closed off heart is not really living at all. I'd rather be burnt a few times than never feel the warmth of the flame.

There, for what it's worth, are the best things I've learned in the past four decades. Most of them in the past decade actually. I guess I'm a slow learner.  If there was one thing I wish I could change about the human race it is that our children could learn from what we have learned and don't have to always make the mistakes themselves to learn their lessons. However, this seems to be the way God has wired us. We've got to find out for ourselves. As a mom, this hurts me. I'd like to spare my children the pain I've had. Then again, I realize, with a few decades of hindsight, that I've grown the most from my biggest challenges. I guess they have to follow that same path - so that one day they too can write a blog that nobody reads, sharing the hard earned wisdom that everybody has to learn for themselves anyway! When put that way, it all seems kind of futile. Well, what can I say?

Happy Birthday to me :)

The right tool is everything (or, it's about flipfloppin' time something worked!)

The right tool is everything. If you've ever done any kind of handyman project with a limited toolbox, and then watched any show at all on HGTV and see them do it in a fraction of a minute with some handy tool, you know of which I speak! I want to share with my friends today a wonderful tool, if you have children, that has really made things start to tick in the Cockrell house!

Ever since God has blended together my wonderful family, Josh and I have been searching for the right way to have consistent discipline, have everyone get their chores done, minimize me having to micromanage every moment of the day, and just generally grow some responsible kids. We wanted family meetings, we wanted rewards and consequences, we wanted kids to take responsibility for their part in the family. We've implemented and tried several different things. Big, massive chore charts with stickers and such, little pockets with cards, threats of a sound beating (this was mostly Josh's tactic), amongst several others. Nothing has worked to bring everything we are trying to accomplish together on a consistent basis. Then, this summer I went to the homeschool expo in Altanta and I found the most fabulous tool. After talking to the people behind the table I knew I had to have this system. Unfortunately I couldn't afford it AND curriculum at the same time, so I had to pass it up until this last month when I found a bit of extra money and a great deal on the system at my homeschool buyers Co-op. (it isn't that the system is really that expensive, it's just when you have four kids it is everything times 4 always!). Please let me introduce you to ACCOUNTABLE KIDS. Here's some pictures of my set up.

 Jackson posing with the Accountable kids boards. He likes it! The routine is great for his little ADHD mind.

 This is my whole set up. the kids boards, the family meeting board (not strictly needed, but I went all out), my little peg board for extra cards, tickets and bonus bucks. My calendar for family meetings and sheets that remind the kids what makes them get and lose tickets and a sheet for writing down anything you'd like to discuss at the family meetings (for instance, Abby, whose job is cleaning the kids bathroom, wanted to discuss how everyone spits on the mirror instead of in the sink and could people please please PLEASE try not to spit on the mirror so she doesn't have to clean it EVERY day - can you hear her eight year old voice.....heehee, quite dramatic).

 close up of the Accountable Kids board. First peg is for core chore cards. see how there are different colors and levels for morning, night and afternoon chores? Second peg is where they turn over the chore cards when the task is finished. Third peg is where they keep earned tickets. Fourth peg is where they collect stars (one day with three tickets earned gets a star). When they have filled up all ten spaces on the card they have earned a "date" with mom or dad (we alternate). This ensures each kid gets some alone time with each parent. Abby and Dad had their first date yesterday, and it was wonderful. What we didn't realize before then is that Abby is the only child who has NEVER been out alone with Dad! Without this program would she ever have got that alone time with him? The last peg is for purple and green chores. You can do lots of different things with these. What we ultimately decided to do was to used them to denote (green) an extra chore of the week that isn't a daily chore but which still needs doing but which you do NOT get paid for) and (purple) an extra chore that you DO get paid for. The chore is clearly marked and is assigned. If they chose to do it, they will get bonus bucks to denote how much they have earned and will be paid at the family meeting once a week. If they decide that chore is too hard and they don't want to do it, it will go to the first to volunteer for it (there is a sheet where you can list job opportunities, or you can just lift it up and say "this kid has declined this job, who wants it for two bonus bucks!". This has only happened once so far for us, but Sammy turned down a job in the garage he thought would be dirty and hard, and sister Elizabeth, for whom cash is king right now, stepped in an took the job and earned the money.

 This is the digital clock (everyone can tell time on it). The kids know that morning chores have to be done by 7:45 so we can leave for school, afternoon chores have to be done by 7, and evening chores by 8:30.) You sometimes have to make exceptions because of your schedule (like for instance, on wednesdays we don't get home from church until 8:30 or later, so obviously they need an extension there).

Family calendar of course, with the schedule for the upcoming weeks. We are supposed to talk about this on family meeting night and make sure everybody knows what is going on with everybody.

Ok. Don't run away screaming. I know it looks overwhelming, but in reality, this is my new tool of peace! This system can be used from about age 4 to 15 in my opinion.  All my kids picked up on everything very quickly. I have a 8,9,10, and 14 year old, and I think any one of them could have used the basic system as early as 3 or 4.  Now, here is the amazing thing about this! This brings together ALL the things I've ever wanted to bring together to run the family into one easy to use and integrate system. The basic idea is that you have core chores. These are chores that the children do just because they are privileged and grateful to be part of the family. This is their daily chores like making the bed, taking their vitamins, getting dressed, going to school, etc.  Then you have your weekly chores, paid or unpaid. This allows the children to actually realize that some things you do because you have to do them, and some things you can chose to do to get a paycheck.  The children get up in the morning and the first thing they do is go to their board (nicely and neatly laser engraved for an extra 9.99, although they encourage decorating the boards individually with the kids, but since my boards are prominently hung in my living room I couldn't bring myself to let the kids have their way with the boards) and start going through the cards. Right now I have it very detailed (have breakfast, clear your dishes, get dressed to shoes, brush hair, brush teeth, pack snack, make bed). They don't even have to think about what they need to do, you don't have to nag them, and you don't have to be frantically yelling for this kid to do that and this kid to do this because you have to leave on time. If you see them getting off task all you have to do is point to the boards and they go "oh yah" and right away they are back on track. The cards can be cut to different lengths and colors to denote morning, afternoon, and evening chores. So when the kids are done the yellow chores, they are done for the morning and they get a ticket. They get a ticket for each group of chores, and can earn three tickets a day. the tickets are redeemable for 30 minutes of computer, tv, Nintendo, or telephone (for the older girl). This automatically limits the amount of time they can spend in front of their brain rotting media. All the kids are watching less tv, playing less video games, and doing more stuff good for their mind (puzzles, reading, actually using their imagination, drawing). None of those activities require tickets. All they require is that the core chores are done. The system actually comes with a book. Yes, a full book. It is jam packed with useful information on how to use the system and how to get the best out of it for YOUR family.

Okay, so let's recap. These are the goals that we've been wanting to meet and never been able to in the past that accountable kids has already taken care of or has us on the path to being taken care of.

1.Kids responsible for their own chores
2.Kids know exactly what is expected of them, and when
3.Make kids feel an important and needed part of the family
4.Make discipline straight forward and easy (backtalk, you lose a ticket, lying, you lose  3 tickets (yes, I am really big on honesty, turning over a card you didn't do, 1 tickets). There is no more fighting or arguing or that's not fair. It's just "please give me a ticket, and you know why you lost it right?"
5.Limit media time responsibly and easily.
6.Let kids earn allowance, and connect hard work with reward
7.Let kids chose how much money they want to make (they want more money, request more chores - we do put a limit of how much they can earn per week)
8.Teach Kids the value of saving and giving (we require that the children save one dollar and give one dollar for every 5 dollars they earn). We keep it all in our accountable kids binder I made up and they can see their savings grow on the chart each week. The rest of the money they can choose what to do with. Sammy and Abby chose to save most of it and usually just keep a dollar out. Elizabeth always so far puts the minimum in savings and chooses to keep the money to spend. Jackson I think likes to see that money in his piggy bank. I've made it clear that they have power to chose and I've talked to them about the power of compound interest. If I can get it through their heads to save often and save early they won't ever be in my situation of struggling to make ends meet at 40 years old.
9. Implementing a family meeting. We were going to do this when we first got married, but we never seemed to be able to find the time and had no format to go by. This is a GREAT forum for kids to be able to feel heard. Monday night at 8. family meeting. Every week. No excuses. The first one was pretty long as we explained the whole system to the kids. the next two were shorter, 15-20 minutes.  It's a great weekly "check in" time and to get everybody on the same page. We usually start with a little ice breaker (if you were an animal which one would you be and why?) and then discuss any issues, give out allowance, collect tithe and savings and close with a prayer.
10. a way to fix problem behaviours. I haven't used this part yet in the three weeks we've been using the system. there is another card called a priveledge pass, best used to correcting specific behaviours (table manners, stay in bed, etc). We haven't needed this yet, but with the amount Jackson gets out of bed after he's tucked in lately, I think we may need to pull it out and see how it works.
11. a way to immediately reward positive behaviour you want to see. There are cards called best behaviour cards. These are intermittently rewarded for exceptional kindness, exceptional generosity, exceptional behaviour of any kind that you want to see more often. It isn't give EVERY time and is at the parent's sole discretion (for instance, if one of our kids points out something wonderful they did to us they are automatically not going to get a card - we use it to reward exceptional behaviour we feel springs from the heart). They can immediately turn in one of these cards for a gift from a bucket we keep stocked with dollar store toys and treats and chocolate bars and the like. ( I have a separate bucket or elizabeth with pencils, journals, appropriate makeup, vampire stickers, and things a teenager would like ) One thing that has surprised me is that sometimes the kids will nominate each other for a reward. For instance, one will say "wow, Sammy just did this for me and it was so nice! I think he deserves a bucket treat!" That has warmed my little mommy heart.

I know I've gone on and on, but this system truly incorporates easily and effortlessly all the things I have wanted to incorporate into our family life for the last two and a half years almost and I have been so truly impressed by how well thought out and complete this is. Of course, we have been using the program only three weeks, and it took me about 4 days to put it up, read the book, and feel comfortable explaining it to the kids (they actually recommend, depending on the age of the kids, to introduce one concept per week - I just kind of dumped it all on mine at once and they coped fine, but if they were younger you might want to do the core chore concept and then add bonus bucks or whatever later), but I already see changes in the house. I am much less stressed out and yell less at the kids, they appreciate knowing what to do next and being able to earn money.  Some chores have been getting done that never hardly ever got done before (like dusting! once a week the house is being dusted. unheard of!!!) The filthy dirty sliding glass door that the dogs jump up with their muddy paws on can be seen through again, they are learning what kind of behaviors in life bring reward and which ones make their life boring and no fun, and the kids are banking some cash! You can't beat it!

So far you want to know what has been my favorite part of whole thing though? They have a card labeled "prayer" in the multitude of cards they give you. I added it to the last thing on the morning chores for each child. I thought, in the rush of the morning, who doesn't need to just take a moment and invite Jesus into your day.  I've been surprised at the response. I assumed the kids would just stand where they were and close their eyes for a second, but no! Sammy generally throws himself onto the couch with his hands folded and Abby runs back to her (made!) bed and kneels to pray. Any system that can remind my kids (and me!) to slow down and invite the Lord to share our day, is a system for me!

Hey moms, if you have any questions ASK me here, and I'll happily respond. I think I am this programs new best friend. Just like I think I sold 50 kindles when I first got mine, I think I'll be selling this by my enthusiasm. That reminds me. On labor day we visited Kaliska, Josh's sister, and I guess Abby so "talked up" this system that after we left, her little girl Rachel made up a to do list and cards and demanded that Kaliska go get a treat bucket! So I'm not the only one selling the system with my enthusiasm, so is my eight year old! My family gives this a 5/5!

www.accountablekids.com

get it now! you'll love it! I wish I would have thought of it myself.

First Day of High School (or, a million small births)

Wow, she's been horrible. For the last week, ever since high school registration, my almost 14 year old daughter has been ready to pick a fight with anyone! I've been trying to give her tons of grace because I remember how scary that first day of high school was. I remember how scary most days of high school were for that matter. This morning she wasn't awful. This morning she was excited, and nervous, and a bundle of energy.

Now, I didn't give birth to Elizabeth. Another mother had that privilege, but Elizabeth has been born again in my heart, and she's MINE. 100 percent. I watched her this morning, through her bedroom window, pacing alone back and forth, back and forth. She went from the tree to the bush, and back to the tree, weaving slightly like she'd had too much to drink too early in the morning. (6:15 for pete's sake!). I think it was really the weight of her colossal messenger style book bag, pulling her to one side, almost bigger than her slight frame. So small, and so young, and thinking she's so big and so old. My baby.

I'll tell you something. A mother doesn't give birth just once in a lifetime. It's like she's giving birth again and again, releasing her child from a protective womb, into the bright light and coldness of the world. Like a million small births, or maybe a million small deaths... sometimes they feel similar. Never in life is Joy so intimately mingled with fear as when we let our children go, step by small step, into the big cruel world.

Off drove the bus, out of my view, and out of my control, and into God's hands. Lord, hold her and bring her home safe and happy, I pray. It's her first day of school.