I've struggled with this, worrying. I am a mom after all and that is what we do best. I try to "let go and let God" with varying degrees of success, but this week I've been having another issue and I want to paraphrase the word a little by saying "each day has enough guilt of it's own" - I mean, seriously. If there is one thing we do almost as well as worrying, it is guilt. That feeling that we are never doing enough, well enough, or often enough to be what we should be.
So if feeling guilty for something I really can't help is bad, how about this; now I'm feeling guilty for something I'm not even guilty of! It's the food. It's the yummy, glorious, abundant food I am eating on this new lifestyle plan of Shibboleth. Specifically the french toast.
Oh, let me tell you the glory that is this french toast.
sweet, subtle, a little crisp on the outside, oh so creamy on the inside...a dollop of whipped cream on top, sprinkled with cinammon.. i can taste a hint of vanilla as I savor each bite. Oh goodness, As my favorite Christian comedian Tim Hawkins once said " Its like eating a baby angel!"
But here's the thing.Even though I am aware that this is a lifestyle plan, and not a "diet", my body and mind has been conditioned to think over the years of any kind of restricted eating as a "diet". Therefore my mind is saying "I'm going to go without. I'm going to be deprived, and what's more, everything is going to taste bad". Along with that comes the other conditioned beliefs "If it tastes good, especially if it's sweet, I'm cheating and i'm going to go straight to diet hell, and gain fifty pounds on my way down".
So,, back to the french toast.... Let me tell you what it's made of... two slices of Natures own double fiber wheat bread. On my new planet Shibboleth, inexcplicably, that bread is counted as a fibrous carb along with most VEGETABLES. Yes, my bread counts kind of like a vegetable. I know. It's like a wonderful parellel universe where bread is not EVIL, as long as it's the right kind. Okay, so moving on. Egg whites.1/2 cup. No problem. A splash of vanilla in the egg whites, Bread coated both sides and cooked in a frypan with a little PAM for a minute or two on each side. a sprinkle of cinammon.1/4 cup of sugar free syrup. I thought this would be a miniscule amount, but it is actually plenty for each bite to have syrup and leaves some on my plate at the end. This AMAZED me, because I am the girl at IHOP that adds more syrup several times as she eats her buttermilk pancakes. One thing I have realized is that 1/4 cup and 1/2 cup is actually more than you think it is! Of course, to just make it that much more awesome, fat free reddi whip that I can dollop on top in pretty little puffy clouds to make me feel like I'm being spoiled. According to the rules of planet Shibboleth, this is completely approved, right down to the whipped topping!
My diet brain can not comprehend this. It keeps saying "girl, you craycray.This is NOT diet food, and you will NOT lose weight eating anything this sweet, creamy and delicious". Well, is 8 pounds in 5 days not losing weight? My brain doesn't care. It says " This is a fluke, you eat this again and it's all over" As you can see, my brain is very talkative, and it usually doesn't say anything at all encouraging or helpful, so I have to put it in it's place a lot.. As I was cooking this particular dish again for the third time in 7 days I was having a nice little conversation with my brain. it went something like this....
Brain: oh oh, here she goes again, Little sugar addict. She's gonna ruin this plan before she even starts it.
Me: Brain, I would like to point out that this dish is made entirely of approved items, and are combined in appropriate and approved combinations.
Brain: But it's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good. You know if something seems to good to be true, it always is.
Me: well, maybe not always.
Brain: SMELL that.... mmmmmm. it smells heavenly! Smells SINFULLY good.
Me: this food is not a sin, it's a blessing.....
Brain: I'll believe it when I see it..
Me: well okay then.... I'll show you on the scale buster!
Brain: oh, she's getting scrappy!
Me: Shut up! I'm gonna eat.
Brain: Enjoy that fattening sweet goodness!
Me: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
So you can see why i might sometimes struggle with this new lifestyle. I'm expecting it to be a DIEt. It's not. I'm expecting to be bored with my food. I'm not. I'm expecting to feel deprived. I'm not. I'm expecting to be hungry. I'm not. I'm expecting to be miserable. I'm not. I'm actually having fun. This is definately a first, but I'm finding learning to live on planet Shibboleth to be a fun journey. One I'm walking on with fun friends. I'm excited to see what tomorrow will bring, and I'm excited to see how this can work for me...So shut up brain. I do not WANT to feel guilty every time I eat this french toast, because there is nothing wrong with it at all! Right now my scripture of the day, every day is this much needed one as I try to purge years and years of dieting failure and dieting mindset from my life "do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind"... my mind doesn't like being renewed. it fights tooth and nail and is very stubborn, but I believe that it can be done, and I continue to work on it every single.day. And now.... for your viewing enjoyment... a little bit of french toast heaven on earth. Enjoy! there's no reason not to!
