underwear and parachutes (or...one should not remind you of the other!)

If you've been a regular reader of my blog, you know that I had a big push last year to be "fit not fat by 40" and that I failed miserably at it. I had pushed the whole weight loss thing to the back burner after that.  I'm so busy living this full and interesting life that I kind of said to myself "do I need to really devote so much energy to this?" Well, the answer, as it turns out, was yes, although it took me several months to figure it out. You might sigh as my faithful reader and say "oh no, here we go again", but sometimes you do something different for what seems a silly reason and your whole world view gets turned upside down... and makes you think that this time... finally... there really might be hope!

This is the moment that something clicked. All my underwear was old and shabby, but as a fat woman I obviously despise clothes shopping in any form. Nobody wants to be reminded how fat you are by trying to squeeze into the biggest size in the store, or roaming the discreetly named "woman's section". I finally decided, however, that the holes and the stains were probably not going to keep the homefires burning, if you get my drift! One look at those and my husband would politely say "um... no thanks". So off to buy some pristine new underwear. Yeah. Following the measurements on the back of the bags I was finally led to some underwear that was "just my size" *sigh... one day I'd love to see some honesty...how about "lard butt designs... this is for YOU fat girl!"* . So anyway, I bought the underwear that "just my size" said was just my size. I guess it's been a few years. When I got home and opened those underwear and unrolled the neat little roll (4 in a pack!) it was more like unfurling a flag than unrolling some underwear. I mean, my 8 year old daughter Abby could use these things as a parachute! My butt could not POSSIBLY be this big. My butt isn't even the fat part of me. I'm an apple and most of my fat is in my stomach. I tried them on with some trepidation, and man, they fit great!!! Okay. So.

Facing the facts #1: My butt WAS that big!
Facing the facts #2: Since my butt is not the biggest part of me, that means my stomach is truly enormous.

I had given up dieting and all that crap a while back. I have been dieting since I was 14. I rarely lost weight, and when I did I would promptly gain it back again plus 20 to memorialize the occasion. This day, however, something clicked in my head. I said to myself... well.... I can't keep doing NOTHING... I'm wearing a parachute for underwear! hmmmm... So I immediately joined weight watchers and started in on my new life.... NOT.

I made a joke about the underwear to my 4 kids, filed the incident in my mind, and got back to my very busy life.

This is the moment that I made up my mind. I had to go to the doctor. I hate going to the doctor. One, it usually means my asthma is flaring up and they are going to put me on cortisone, which for my body means weight gain every time. two, we are always on a tight budget, and a 20 dollar copay for something that is not fun is not at the top of my list of things to spend money on. I actually can't remember now what I went to the doctor for, because whatever it was, it was not what I came away from the appointment remembering. The nurse ushered me into the room, and truthfully I've been expecting for years for them to take bloodwork and tell me I have diabetes. How my body has managed to process all the sugar my sugar addiction has fed it over the years without developing diabetes, I do not know. All I can say is that I must have a very efficient pancreas. It wasn't the shocking news that I'd developed diabetes that sent me to weight watchers though. It wasn't any bad health news in fact. It was this. The nurse took my blood pressure. I've always been 120/80. Rock Solid, for years. Today it was high. Very high. High enough that the nurse immediately took it again. Then she said "your blood pressure is quite high". I reply "It never is. My blood pressure is always great! I took it at CVS the other day on the machine and it was fine". She looks at me a minute, says "hmmmm" (she actually did say Hmmm. I am now officially one of those things that make people go hmmm.) and walks into the other room. She comes back with a different cuff, takes my pressure again, and with a huge sigh of relief she says "now, that's MUCH better". It took me about 30 seconds of wondering if the other cuff was broken to realize what had just happened. There was such a thing as a fat lady blood pressure cuff, and I had graduated to it. 

I went home quite perturbed. I mean, standard medical equipment was no longer able to measure my bulk. This is NOT right. I don't know why this, and not one of the million other indignities suffered by the fat, was the trigger for me, but the underwear and the blood pressure cuff in quick succession shook me up. This was January.

I went home and spent about a month trying to lose weight by myself and it just didn't work. I think I lost two pounds. I couldn't seem to garner the willpower to really change what I was eating. By the end of February I was frustrated and looking for a solution. I knew dieting wasn't it. I knew I had to change my lifestyle but I didn't know how. Well, I knew how... I mean, fat people who have been on diets their whole life generally know WHAT they are supposed to do, they just don't know how to make themselves do it. That was me. I couldn't seem to MAKE myself change my eating habits in any significant way. I knew I couldn't spend my whole life feeling deprived, that I had to eat things I liked, but I had to control my portions and add more healthy choices. I just didn't want to THINK that hard. My life is SO busy. I have four kids, two with special needs that are in therapy several times a week, and I drive two of my four kids to and from school half an hour away every day.I drive two to three hours a day, depending on the day. I also homeschool my youngest son who has a list of syndromes and conditions a mile long, as well as being involved in my church and trying to build a library at my kids small school. I am TIRED at the end of the day. Actually I am usually tired by noon. or 10am. Actually, I'm usually never NOT tired. I just power through my day. I do the family budget, which is a big job for me. I have to stretch a little money a LONG way. I pay the bills, I run the house, and I try to build my small Heritage Makers business. It is easy to make excuses when you are that busy and that tired. Listen to me though.. has anything wonderful and worthwhile ever come easy?

 I decided to go about it backwards. If I exercised, maybe I would not want to wreck it by eating too much. That was the theory anyway. So I joined a gym right near my house called Fitness 19. For only 12 dollars a month I can go anytime they are open. That fits my budget, and my schedule! So I started going, 7 weeks ago now, five days a week. I drop my kids at school and head straight to the gym. I'm a morning person and the earlier something is, the more likely it is I'll get it done. My husband says my brain falls out after 8pm. It's mostly true. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I am using an app on my smartphone to do the couch to 5k program on the great treadmills at the gym. Tue, Thursday I've been strength training with the trainer Melissa at the gym. I bought 5 sessions when I joined for 99 dollars (yay, tax return!). I hate her ALMOST as much as I love her. I have made it a priority to find the money to keep her. I would never make myself do the things she makes me do. I am deliciously sore. I say the soreness means something is happening. Something different. Something good!

And I was right! It did inspire me. After that first sweaty painful couch to 5 k day I wanted the 150 calories the treadmill told me I'd burned to count for something. two or three days later I signed up for WW online and started tracking my food and exercise. The difference this time was that I started exercising first!


In my past weight loss endeavors I would try to lose 20 or 30 pounds before I even considered adding in any exercise. My thought was, what am I going to be able to do at THIS size? having started exercise first this time I can tell you today what I can do at this size... I can complete a 5k at this size. I did it this morning. My first ever, at 40 years old. My first, I hope, of many. I've lost about 15 pounds and about 12 inches since I started all this. I still have 25 pounds to lose just to get under 200, which should be discouraging, but all I can think about is that I completed a flippin' 5k today! I'm incredibly slow, and my best time on the treadmill previously for the 3.1 miles had been 1 hour and 6 minutes, but I finished!! I had a couple of modest goals for this race. 


1) I didn't want to be dead last.
2) I wanted to pass somebody, anybody, and maintain that lead.
3) I wanted to finish in under an hour. 


My results were


1) The bulk of the pack passed me immediately, but there were always some people behind me. I didn't have to elbow my friend Heather, who stayed with me the whole way, even though she recently finished a half marathon, out of the way at the end. Not needed. I am sure Heather is glad. I could take her down, I weigh twice as much as she does!


2)  First I passed a fat guy dressed all in black. I felt sorry for him. He looked hot. All black? really? in Hotlanta? Then I passed a gaggle of three women who looked more like they were out for a stroll than running a race. Hey, I'll take it. I'm 225 pounds. I'm happy I passed anybody! 


3) After the first corner on the race my ankle started to hurt, by the second corner it was in agony. We'd only gone about a  half mile when I thought I would have to walk the whole entire race, if I would make it at all. My goal of finishing in under an hour seemed to fade away as I reset my goal to just finishing. Heather, wonderful Heather my 5k angel, came to my rescue! She suggested just trying to run to the next mailbox or down this hill or to that tree, then to walk. When I stopped feeling my feet she informed me that my sneakers were really bad and that I needed some good shoes. note taken, new shoes this week. As we closed in on 2.5 miles she informed me we still had time to make it, and I ran across the finish line with a time of 52:58. I shaved 13 minutes off my best time, even with my ankle hurting so bad. That tells me that I walk/jog faster off the treadmill than I do on. Time to push harder on that treadmill! And I met goal three. 


Man, does that feel awesome! If you've never run a race at all, I encourage you to go and do a 1 mile fun run at least. Going over that finish line, through the cones lined up like a runway.. a beacon of my achievement, people on each side clapping and cheering me on... I'll never forget that experience. It was a very awesome first. I can see this 5K thing becoming addicting. My hubby, my trainer, Heather the 5k angel, and Julie the cheerleader were all there to cheer me on and make my first 5k experience a wonderful one. 


So it's the exercise. It's going to make the difference. I can feel it deep in my bones (especially right after a work out). I can already see and feel things firming up under the fat. It's already changing my shape some, even at this weight. I'm determined to keep it going.


Very determined. I just signed up at my gym for a "biggest loser" challenge. It starts Monday, May first, and goes for 90 days. The winner will get a prize. I want to win. I'm going to work my butt off to win, but I figure even if I lose, I'll still win!So...it's a win-win situation. Care to cheer me on this time around? I'll even supply you with some hideous before pictures so you can watch the transformation that I know is going to happen. Here I am shortly after I started all this wonderful Insanity. 242 pounds and not quite 5'4. That's considered class II obese! I didn't realize there were classes of Obesity until I found myself falling into the second one during an internet search. I intended to pose in front of the calendar so you could see the date, but when I looked at the pictures Abby took I realized that my width obscures the whole thing. Kind of funny when you think about it. Maybe you'll see more and more of it as I transform. Meanwhile, you'll just have to take my word about it for the date. I started the beginning of March, 2012. Sammy calls the lovely hairstyle my "workout ponytails", because it is what I always do before heading off to the gym. I've included a picture Heather the 5k angel took of me about to cross the finish line sporting the same sexy ponytails, and one of me with Heather the 5k angel and Julie the cheerleader before the race (the angel is the blond one)  It can be done, no matter what your age or size!