On November 5th, 2011 I turned 40 years old. My main thought that day was "goodness, is it that time already?" Turning 40 is not near as traumatic as turning 30 was for me. At this point I'm just too busy to worry about a little thing like getting older. When you have four kids underfoot all the time, you don't have much time to feel old. You are too busy just trying to survive it! I have learned a few things in four decades though. They may seem like simple things, but it took this lady many many years to take these lessons from my head to my heart. Here's my top 10. In no particular order......
1) You will never please everybody, so stop trying. Figure out who is most important to you, and try to please them. For me it is God and my husband. In that order. If you are doing that right, and somebody else doesn't like it, they aren't your friends anyway. Let them go.
2) You'll never know who your true friends are until you go through a horrible crisis. Then you will know, and you will be surprised who lets you down and who doesn't. Hold on to those people who don't, and never let them go.
3) The way you look is not who you are. This one continues to be hard. My great expectations of being "fit not fat by 40" were a dismal failure. I've actually gained weight. I'm heavier than I've ever been. Does this disappoint me? Yes, terribly. I'm frustrated at myself and my body. But I've also realized that I can't wait to live life until I'm a healthy weight. I may NEVER get there, and then where will my life be? Wasted in waiting. My weight is not who I am. If you think I'm lazy because I'm fat (this is a very common misconception people have about heavy people) come live my life for a week. You'll beg to have yours back. Some people just have a lot more problem with weight control than other people. It doesn't make that person less than. I believe this with all my heart, but it's hard when you are judged on your weight, to keep your head up. If you are one of those people who never has struggled with weight, have some compassion and look past the fat. There is a person under there. One just like you.
4) Do your best, and move on. Not everything you set out to do will be a success. No matter how hard you try, how hard you want it to work out, or how much you pray - sometimes you will fail. Oh well. Do your best, and move on. There's always another hill infront of you, and if you don't try, you'll never get anywhere. If it fails, it fails. It doesn't make YOU a failure. The only way YOU become a failure is if you don't try at all.
5) The past is the past. Leave it there. who has time to be eaten up by regret, bitterness, hate and anger? NOBODY does. We can't change one thing about the past. The only thing we can change is the future, so quit living in the past. The past is past. Leave it there. Sometimes it hurts to let go of old grudges, and pains. You have made them into old friends, but they aren't your friends.. they will cause you to die old and alone. let them go.
6) Do what you know is right, no matter what. You might lose friends. You might make enemies. But you will sleep like a baby and stand with a clear conscience before God's throne. There's nothing worth more than this.
7) Get Saved. Seriously, I don't know how people get through this life without Jesus, and the hope of their salvation. I'd be dead by now if I didn't have the Lord. If you don't know Jesus, make it a point to get to know him. You won't ever be sorry you did.
8) You will be happier if you are thinking about other people more often than you are thinking about yourself. Let's face it, we all spend WAY too much time wrapped up in our own little world and our own little problems. Even those of us with problems that are pretty big still have little problems when we compare them with much of the world. We are a spoiled people in America. Even the poorest of us have more than 85 percent of the world does. It's natural for us to be concerned with ourselves and our families and friends, and it's not wrong. I'm just saying, the more you are involved in helping others, through church ministry, mission, or just by being a friend, the less time you have to think about your own stuff. And the happier you will be.
9) Be happy with what you've been given. We all sometimes wish we had more of something. usually money. Lately I've been wishing I had unlimited funds for therapy for my two children who desperately need therapy. I would be so happy if I could just get them everything they needed and didn't need to worry about if I could afford it. We can't help having those thoughts sometimes, but if you generally live with an "attitude of gratitude" as they say, you will be a much more content person. I have begun in the last few years to make a practice of looking at the big picture and seeing all my many many blessings. For every bad situation there is a good thing that will come out of it. We just have to search for it. Yes, sometimes life is really hard and I WISH that things could be easier, but if I try to look at what I've been given rather than what has been withheld, my whole attitude changes for the better. We've all been given a lot. Just make yourself look for it. You will find it.
10) Don't stop trusting people just because you've been burned a few times. I'm an EXTREMELY trusting person. I tend to always think the best of most people. I try to find a reason to excuse them for bad behaviour. (they've had a bad day, they are tired, maybe they are late for work, maybe their dog died). Okay, maybe they are just jerks, but we don't KNOW that. I've been burned bad, a couple of times. Part of you wants to shut down, shut off, and shut out the world when that happens. But no man is an island. Living apart from connection with people is not what God wants for us. Be discerning, yes, but don't stop giving people your trust. Many people will surprise you by earning it! Living with a closed off heart is not really living at all. I'd rather be burnt a few times than never feel the warmth of the flame.
There, for what it's worth, are the best things I've learned in the past four decades. Most of them in the past decade actually. I guess I'm a slow learner. If there was one thing I wish I could change about the human race it is that our children could learn from what we have learned and don't have to always make the mistakes themselves to learn their lessons. However, this seems to be the way God has wired us. We've got to find out for ourselves. As a mom, this hurts me. I'd like to spare my children the pain I've had. Then again, I realize, with a few decades of hindsight, that I've grown the most from my biggest challenges. I guess they have to follow that same path - so that one day they too can write a blog that nobody reads, sharing the hard earned wisdom that everybody has to learn for themselves anyway! When put that way, it all seems kind of futile. Well, what can I say?
Happy Birthday to me :)
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
The right tool is everything (or, it's about flipfloppin' time something worked!)
The right tool is everything. If you've ever done any kind of handyman project with a limited toolbox, and then watched any show at all on HGTV and see them do it in a fraction of a minute with some handy tool, you know of which I speak! I want to share with my friends today a wonderful tool, if you have children, that has really made things start to tick in the Cockrell house!
Ever since God has blended together my wonderful family, Josh and I have been searching for the right way to have consistent discipline, have everyone get their chores done, minimize me having to micromanage every moment of the day, and just generally grow some responsible kids. We wanted family meetings, we wanted rewards and consequences, we wanted kids to take responsibility for their part in the family. We've implemented and tried several different things. Big, massive chore charts with stickers and such, little pockets with cards, threats of a sound beating (this was mostly Josh's tactic), amongst several others. Nothing has worked to bring everything we are trying to accomplish together on a consistent basis. Then, this summer I went to the homeschool expo in Altanta and I found the most fabulous tool. After talking to the people behind the table I knew I had to have this system. Unfortunately I couldn't afford it AND curriculum at the same time, so I had to pass it up until this last month when I found a bit of extra money and a great deal on the system at my homeschool buyers Co-op. (it isn't that the system is really that expensive, it's just when you have four kids it is everything times 4 always!). Please let me introduce you to ACCOUNTABLE KIDS. Here's some pictures of my set up.
Jackson posing with the Accountable kids boards. He likes it! The routine is great for his little ADHD mind.
This is my whole set up. the kids boards, the family meeting board (not strictly needed, but I went all out), my little peg board for extra cards, tickets and bonus bucks. My calendar for family meetings and sheets that remind the kids what makes them get and lose tickets and a sheet for writing down anything you'd like to discuss at the family meetings (for instance, Abby, whose job is cleaning the kids bathroom, wanted to discuss how everyone spits on the mirror instead of in the sink and could people please please PLEASE try not to spit on the mirror so she doesn't have to clean it EVERY day - can you hear her eight year old voice.....heehee, quite dramatic).
close up of the Accountable Kids board. First peg is for core chore cards. see how there are different colors and levels for morning, night and afternoon chores? Second peg is where they turn over the chore cards when the task is finished. Third peg is where they keep earned tickets. Fourth peg is where they collect stars (one day with three tickets earned gets a star). When they have filled up all ten spaces on the card they have earned a "date" with mom or dad (we alternate). This ensures each kid gets some alone time with each parent. Abby and Dad had their first date yesterday, and it was wonderful. What we didn't realize before then is that Abby is the only child who has NEVER been out alone with Dad! Without this program would she ever have got that alone time with him? The last peg is for purple and green chores. You can do lots of different things with these. What we ultimately decided to do was to used them to denote (green) an extra chore of the week that isn't a daily chore but which still needs doing but which you do NOT get paid for) and (purple) an extra chore that you DO get paid for. The chore is clearly marked and is assigned. If they chose to do it, they will get bonus bucks to denote how much they have earned and will be paid at the family meeting once a week. If they decide that chore is too hard and they don't want to do it, it will go to the first to volunteer for it (there is a sheet where you can list job opportunities, or you can just lift it up and say "this kid has declined this job, who wants it for two bonus bucks!". This has only happened once so far for us, but Sammy turned down a job in the garage he thought would be dirty and hard, and sister Elizabeth, for whom cash is king right now, stepped in an took the job and earned the money.
This is the digital clock (everyone can tell time on it). The kids know that morning chores have to be done by 7:45 so we can leave for school, afternoon chores have to be done by 7, and evening chores by 8:30.) You sometimes have to make exceptions because of your schedule (like for instance, on wednesdays we don't get home from church until 8:30 or later, so obviously they need an extension there).
Family calendar of course, with the schedule for the upcoming weeks. We are supposed to talk about this on family meeting night and make sure everybody knows what is going on with everybody.
Ok. Don't run away screaming. I know it looks overwhelming, but in reality, this is my new tool of peace! This system can be used from about age 4 to 15 in my opinion. All my kids picked up on everything very quickly. I have a 8,9,10, and 14 year old, and I think any one of them could have used the basic system as early as 3 or 4. Now, here is the amazing thing about this! This brings together ALL the things I've ever wanted to bring together to run the family into one easy to use and integrate system. The basic idea is that you have core chores. These are chores that the children do just because they are privileged and grateful to be part of the family. This is their daily chores like making the bed, taking their vitamins, getting dressed, going to school, etc. Then you have your weekly chores, paid or unpaid. This allows the children to actually realize that some things you do because you have to do them, and some things you can chose to do to get a paycheck. The children get up in the morning and the first thing they do is go to their board (nicely and neatly laser engraved for an extra 9.99, although they encourage decorating the boards individually with the kids, but since my boards are prominently hung in my living room I couldn't bring myself to let the kids have their way with the boards) and start going through the cards. Right now I have it very detailed (have breakfast, clear your dishes, get dressed to shoes, brush hair, brush teeth, pack snack, make bed). They don't even have to think about what they need to do, you don't have to nag them, and you don't have to be frantically yelling for this kid to do that and this kid to do this because you have to leave on time. If you see them getting off task all you have to do is point to the boards and they go "oh yah" and right away they are back on track. The cards can be cut to different lengths and colors to denote morning, afternoon, and evening chores. So when the kids are done the yellow chores, they are done for the morning and they get a ticket. They get a ticket for each group of chores, and can earn three tickets a day. the tickets are redeemable for 30 minutes of computer, tv, Nintendo, or telephone (for the older girl). This automatically limits the amount of time they can spend in front of their brain rotting media. All the kids are watching less tv, playing less video games, and doing more stuff good for their mind (puzzles, reading, actually using their imagination, drawing). None of those activities require tickets. All they require is that the core chores are done. The system actually comes with a book. Yes, a full book. It is jam packed with useful information on how to use the system and how to get the best out of it for YOUR family.
Okay, so let's recap. These are the goals that we've been wanting to meet and never been able to in the past that accountable kids has already taken care of or has us on the path to being taken care of.
1.Kids responsible for their own chores
2.Kids know exactly what is expected of them, and when
3.Make kids feel an important and needed part of the family
4.Make discipline straight forward and easy (backtalk, you lose a ticket, lying, you lose 3 tickets (yes, I am really big on honesty, turning over a card you didn't do, 1 tickets). There is no more fighting or arguing or that's not fair. It's just "please give me a ticket, and you know why you lost it right?"
5.Limit media time responsibly and easily.
6.Let kids earn allowance, and connect hard work with reward
7.Let kids chose how much money they want to make (they want more money, request more chores - we do put a limit of how much they can earn per week)
8.Teach Kids the value of saving and giving (we require that the children save one dollar and give one dollar for every 5 dollars they earn). We keep it all in our accountable kids binder I made up and they can see their savings grow on the chart each week. The rest of the money they can choose what to do with. Sammy and Abby chose to save most of it and usually just keep a dollar out. Elizabeth always so far puts the minimum in savings and chooses to keep the money to spend. Jackson I think likes to see that money in his piggy bank. I've made it clear that they have power to chose and I've talked to them about the power of compound interest. If I can get it through their heads to save often and save early they won't ever be in my situation of struggling to make ends meet at 40 years old.
9. Implementing a family meeting. We were going to do this when we first got married, but we never seemed to be able to find the time and had no format to go by. This is a GREAT forum for kids to be able to feel heard. Monday night at 8. family meeting. Every week. No excuses. The first one was pretty long as we explained the whole system to the kids. the next two were shorter, 15-20 minutes. It's a great weekly "check in" time and to get everybody on the same page. We usually start with a little ice breaker (if you were an animal which one would you be and why?) and then discuss any issues, give out allowance, collect tithe and savings and close with a prayer.
10. a way to fix problem behaviours. I haven't used this part yet in the three weeks we've been using the system. there is another card called a priveledge pass, best used to correcting specific behaviours (table manners, stay in bed, etc). We haven't needed this yet, but with the amount Jackson gets out of bed after he's tucked in lately, I think we may need to pull it out and see how it works.
11. a way to immediately reward positive behaviour you want to see. There are cards called best behaviour cards. These are intermittently rewarded for exceptional kindness, exceptional generosity, exceptional behaviour of any kind that you want to see more often. It isn't give EVERY time and is at the parent's sole discretion (for instance, if one of our kids points out something wonderful they did to us they are automatically not going to get a card - we use it to reward exceptional behaviour we feel springs from the heart). They can immediately turn in one of these cards for a gift from a bucket we keep stocked with dollar store toys and treats and chocolate bars and the like. ( I have a separate bucket or elizabeth with pencils, journals, appropriate makeup, vampire stickers, and things a teenager would like ) One thing that has surprised me is that sometimes the kids will nominate each other for a reward. For instance, one will say "wow, Sammy just did this for me and it was so nice! I think he deserves a bucket treat!" That has warmed my little mommy heart.
I know I've gone on and on, but this system truly incorporates easily and effortlessly all the things I have wanted to incorporate into our family life for the last two and a half years almost and I have been so truly impressed by how well thought out and complete this is. Of course, we have been using the program only three weeks, and it took me about 4 days to put it up, read the book, and feel comfortable explaining it to the kids (they actually recommend, depending on the age of the kids, to introduce one concept per week - I just kind of dumped it all on mine at once and they coped fine, but if they were younger you might want to do the core chore concept and then add bonus bucks or whatever later), but I already see changes in the house. I am much less stressed out and yell less at the kids, they appreciate knowing what to do next and being able to earn money. Some chores have been getting done that never hardly ever got done before (like dusting! once a week the house is being dusted. unheard of!!!) The filthy dirty sliding glass door that the dogs jump up with their muddy paws on can be seen through again, they are learning what kind of behaviors in life bring reward and which ones make their life boring and no fun, and the kids are banking some cash! You can't beat it!
So far you want to know what has been my favorite part of whole thing though? They have a card labeled "prayer" in the multitude of cards they give you. I added it to the last thing on the morning chores for each child. I thought, in the rush of the morning, who doesn't need to just take a moment and invite Jesus into your day. I've been surprised at the response. I assumed the kids would just stand where they were and close their eyes for a second, but no! Sammy generally throws himself onto the couch with his hands folded and Abby runs back to her (made!) bed and kneels to pray. Any system that can remind my kids (and me!) to slow down and invite the Lord to share our day, is a system for me!
Hey moms, if you have any questions ASK me here, and I'll happily respond. I think I am this programs new best friend. Just like I think I sold 50 kindles when I first got mine, I think I'll be selling this by my enthusiasm. That reminds me. On labor day we visited Kaliska, Josh's sister, and I guess Abby so "talked up" this system that after we left, her little girl Rachel made up a to do list and cards and demanded that Kaliska go get a treat bucket! So I'm not the only one selling the system with my enthusiasm, so is my eight year old! My family gives this a 5/5!
www.accountablekids.com
get it now! you'll love it! I wish I would have thought of it myself.
Ever since God has blended together my wonderful family, Josh and I have been searching for the right way to have consistent discipline, have everyone get their chores done, minimize me having to micromanage every moment of the day, and just generally grow some responsible kids. We wanted family meetings, we wanted rewards and consequences, we wanted kids to take responsibility for their part in the family. We've implemented and tried several different things. Big, massive chore charts with stickers and such, little pockets with cards, threats of a sound beating (this was mostly Josh's tactic), amongst several others. Nothing has worked to bring everything we are trying to accomplish together on a consistent basis. Then, this summer I went to the homeschool expo in Altanta and I found the most fabulous tool. After talking to the people behind the table I knew I had to have this system. Unfortunately I couldn't afford it AND curriculum at the same time, so I had to pass it up until this last month when I found a bit of extra money and a great deal on the system at my homeschool buyers Co-op. (it isn't that the system is really that expensive, it's just when you have four kids it is everything times 4 always!). Please let me introduce you to ACCOUNTABLE KIDS. Here's some pictures of my set up.
Ok. Don't run away screaming. I know it looks overwhelming, but in reality, this is my new tool of peace! This system can be used from about age 4 to 15 in my opinion. All my kids picked up on everything very quickly. I have a 8,9,10, and 14 year old, and I think any one of them could have used the basic system as early as 3 or 4. Now, here is the amazing thing about this! This brings together ALL the things I've ever wanted to bring together to run the family into one easy to use and integrate system. The basic idea is that you have core chores. These are chores that the children do just because they are privileged and grateful to be part of the family. This is their daily chores like making the bed, taking their vitamins, getting dressed, going to school, etc. Then you have your weekly chores, paid or unpaid. This allows the children to actually realize that some things you do because you have to do them, and some things you can chose to do to get a paycheck. The children get up in the morning and the first thing they do is go to their board (nicely and neatly laser engraved for an extra 9.99, although they encourage decorating the boards individually with the kids, but since my boards are prominently hung in my living room I couldn't bring myself to let the kids have their way with the boards) and start going through the cards. Right now I have it very detailed (have breakfast, clear your dishes, get dressed to shoes, brush hair, brush teeth, pack snack, make bed). They don't even have to think about what they need to do, you don't have to nag them, and you don't have to be frantically yelling for this kid to do that and this kid to do this because you have to leave on time. If you see them getting off task all you have to do is point to the boards and they go "oh yah" and right away they are back on track. The cards can be cut to different lengths and colors to denote morning, afternoon, and evening chores. So when the kids are done the yellow chores, they are done for the morning and they get a ticket. They get a ticket for each group of chores, and can earn three tickets a day. the tickets are redeemable for 30 minutes of computer, tv, Nintendo, or telephone (for the older girl). This automatically limits the amount of time they can spend in front of their brain rotting media. All the kids are watching less tv, playing less video games, and doing more stuff good for their mind (puzzles, reading, actually using their imagination, drawing). None of those activities require tickets. All they require is that the core chores are done. The system actually comes with a book. Yes, a full book. It is jam packed with useful information on how to use the system and how to get the best out of it for YOUR family.
Okay, so let's recap. These are the goals that we've been wanting to meet and never been able to in the past that accountable kids has already taken care of or has us on the path to being taken care of.
1.Kids responsible for their own chores
2.Kids know exactly what is expected of them, and when
3.Make kids feel an important and needed part of the family
4.Make discipline straight forward and easy (backtalk, you lose a ticket, lying, you lose 3 tickets (yes, I am really big on honesty, turning over a card you didn't do, 1 tickets). There is no more fighting or arguing or that's not fair. It's just "please give me a ticket, and you know why you lost it right?"
5.Limit media time responsibly and easily.
6.Let kids earn allowance, and connect hard work with reward
7.Let kids chose how much money they want to make (they want more money, request more chores - we do put a limit of how much they can earn per week)
8.Teach Kids the value of saving and giving (we require that the children save one dollar and give one dollar for every 5 dollars they earn). We keep it all in our accountable kids binder I made up and they can see their savings grow on the chart each week. The rest of the money they can choose what to do with. Sammy and Abby chose to save most of it and usually just keep a dollar out. Elizabeth always so far puts the minimum in savings and chooses to keep the money to spend. Jackson I think likes to see that money in his piggy bank. I've made it clear that they have power to chose and I've talked to them about the power of compound interest. If I can get it through their heads to save often and save early they won't ever be in my situation of struggling to make ends meet at 40 years old.
9. Implementing a family meeting. We were going to do this when we first got married, but we never seemed to be able to find the time and had no format to go by. This is a GREAT forum for kids to be able to feel heard. Monday night at 8. family meeting. Every week. No excuses. The first one was pretty long as we explained the whole system to the kids. the next two were shorter, 15-20 minutes. It's a great weekly "check in" time and to get everybody on the same page. We usually start with a little ice breaker (if you were an animal which one would you be and why?) and then discuss any issues, give out allowance, collect tithe and savings and close with a prayer.
10. a way to fix problem behaviours. I haven't used this part yet in the three weeks we've been using the system. there is another card called a priveledge pass, best used to correcting specific behaviours (table manners, stay in bed, etc). We haven't needed this yet, but with the amount Jackson gets out of bed after he's tucked in lately, I think we may need to pull it out and see how it works.
11. a way to immediately reward positive behaviour you want to see. There are cards called best behaviour cards. These are intermittently rewarded for exceptional kindness, exceptional generosity, exceptional behaviour of any kind that you want to see more often. It isn't give EVERY time and is at the parent's sole discretion (for instance, if one of our kids points out something wonderful they did to us they are automatically not going to get a card - we use it to reward exceptional behaviour we feel springs from the heart). They can immediately turn in one of these cards for a gift from a bucket we keep stocked with dollar store toys and treats and chocolate bars and the like. ( I have a separate bucket or elizabeth with pencils, journals, appropriate makeup, vampire stickers, and things a teenager would like ) One thing that has surprised me is that sometimes the kids will nominate each other for a reward. For instance, one will say "wow, Sammy just did this for me and it was so nice! I think he deserves a bucket treat!" That has warmed my little mommy heart.
I know I've gone on and on, but this system truly incorporates easily and effortlessly all the things I have wanted to incorporate into our family life for the last two and a half years almost and I have been so truly impressed by how well thought out and complete this is. Of course, we have been using the program only three weeks, and it took me about 4 days to put it up, read the book, and feel comfortable explaining it to the kids (they actually recommend, depending on the age of the kids, to introduce one concept per week - I just kind of dumped it all on mine at once and they coped fine, but if they were younger you might want to do the core chore concept and then add bonus bucks or whatever later), but I already see changes in the house. I am much less stressed out and yell less at the kids, they appreciate knowing what to do next and being able to earn money. Some chores have been getting done that never hardly ever got done before (like dusting! once a week the house is being dusted. unheard of!!!) The filthy dirty sliding glass door that the dogs jump up with their muddy paws on can be seen through again, they are learning what kind of behaviors in life bring reward and which ones make their life boring and no fun, and the kids are banking some cash! You can't beat it!
So far you want to know what has been my favorite part of whole thing though? They have a card labeled "prayer" in the multitude of cards they give you. I added it to the last thing on the morning chores for each child. I thought, in the rush of the morning, who doesn't need to just take a moment and invite Jesus into your day. I've been surprised at the response. I assumed the kids would just stand where they were and close their eyes for a second, but no! Sammy generally throws himself onto the couch with his hands folded and Abby runs back to her (made!) bed and kneels to pray. Any system that can remind my kids (and me!) to slow down and invite the Lord to share our day, is a system for me!
Hey moms, if you have any questions ASK me here, and I'll happily respond. I think I am this programs new best friend. Just like I think I sold 50 kindles when I first got mine, I think I'll be selling this by my enthusiasm. That reminds me. On labor day we visited Kaliska, Josh's sister, and I guess Abby so "talked up" this system that after we left, her little girl Rachel made up a to do list and cards and demanded that Kaliska go get a treat bucket! So I'm not the only one selling the system with my enthusiasm, so is my eight year old! My family gives this a 5/5!
www.accountablekids.com
get it now! you'll love it! I wish I would have thought of it myself.
Monday, August 8, 2011
First Day of High School (or, a million small births)
Wow, she's been horrible. For the last week, ever since high school registration, my almost 14 year old daughter has been ready to pick a fight with anyone! I've been trying to give her tons of grace because I remember how scary that first day of high school was. I remember how scary most days of high school were for that matter. This morning she wasn't awful. This morning she was excited, and nervous, and a bundle of energy.
Now, I didn't give birth to Elizabeth. Another mother had that privilege, but Elizabeth has been born again in my heart, and she's MINE. 100 percent. I watched her this morning, through her bedroom window, pacing alone back and forth, back and forth. She went from the tree to the bush, and back to the tree, weaving slightly like she'd had too much to drink too early in the morning. (6:15 for pete's sake!). I think it was really the weight of her colossal messenger style book bag, pulling her to one side, almost bigger than her slight frame. So small, and so young, and thinking she's so big and so old. My baby.
I'll tell you something. A mother doesn't give birth just once in a lifetime. It's like she's giving birth again and again, releasing her child from a protective womb, into the bright light and coldness of the world. Like a million small births, or maybe a million small deaths... sometimes they feel similar. Never in life is Joy so intimately mingled with fear as when we let our children go, step by small step, into the big cruel world.
Off drove the bus, out of my view, and out of my control, and into God's hands. Lord, hold her and bring her home safe and happy, I pray. It's her first day of school.
Now, I didn't give birth to Elizabeth. Another mother had that privilege, but Elizabeth has been born again in my heart, and she's MINE. 100 percent. I watched her this morning, through her bedroom window, pacing alone back and forth, back and forth. She went from the tree to the bush, and back to the tree, weaving slightly like she'd had too much to drink too early in the morning. (6:15 for pete's sake!). I think it was really the weight of her colossal messenger style book bag, pulling her to one side, almost bigger than her slight frame. So small, and so young, and thinking she's so big and so old. My baby.
I'll tell you something. A mother doesn't give birth just once in a lifetime. It's like she's giving birth again and again, releasing her child from a protective womb, into the bright light and coldness of the world. Like a million small births, or maybe a million small deaths... sometimes they feel similar. Never in life is Joy so intimately mingled with fear as when we let our children go, step by small step, into the big cruel world.
Off drove the bus, out of my view, and out of my control, and into God's hands. Lord, hold her and bring her home safe and happy, I pray. It's her first day of school.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
T minus 6.
Well, it is T minus 6 days until homeschooling starts. Last thursday I headed off to my homeschooling conference with trepidation in my heart, and nothing but my bible and my Pollyanna spirit still clinging somewhere to a thread of hope. Pollyanna has been really battered and bruised these last few years but she keeps poking her head up and going "why not? just why not". Well, Pollyanna and I went in with a clean notebook and a good pen thinking that surely taking really good notes would be the answer to all my many problems with my precious little boy.
Well, it isn't quite that easy. However, a lot of notes, a couple of FABULOUS speakers, and a whole boatload of encouragement from other homeschoolers on the floor of the expo later, I came out with Pollyanna at full bound. (well, not at full bound, her FEET really hurt after 3 full days at expo). She was limping very very happily along though. God is so good. Through the speakers and the encouragement and prayer, God changed my heart and opened my eyes to what my son really needs. It isn't about the fact that Jackson really needs to learn to read. It isn't about the fact that he's doing first grade work for the third time. It isn't about MY need for him to succeed on the same level as all my other kids. It isn't even about his frustrating behavior issues. What it is really about is that I have a little boy who has anxiety that is just through the roof when it comes to schooling, and that he has forgotten that learning is fun and rewarding. My job is not to teach him to read. I have a reading expert who is going to help with that. My main job is to remind him that learning is fun, that he is smart and wonderful just the way he is, and that he can accomplish anything he sets his mind to. Yes, he needs to learn, and I intend to teach him. I just intend to do it in the kindest and gentlest way I can conceive of. He's been beat down too much in his young life. He's had too many times when he didn't get what he really needed. He's had too many times when we didn't do better because we didn't know better. Thankfully, through therapy and observation we've come closer to really understanding what is making this complex little boy tick, and it's time for Jackson to get everything he needs, no matter what it takes.
I found a great curriculum through ACE education. It's a Christian curriculum, which I love, but more importantly the whole entire curriculum for his grade is written with built in helps for reading, like gray shaded silent letters, lines over the long vowels, etc. I think these built in clues will help his reading along. I found a science curriculum that has Jackson BEGGING to start homeschool. It is ALL experiments, and a lab journal. No textbooks, just hands on learning. I am wild about this curriculum. I have bought him the Electricity unit and in 12 weeks we can move on to other fascinating experiments and learning such as Polymers, rocks and minerals, robotics, food science, newton's law, etc, etc. I had so much trouble deciding where to start! I bought a few art books, that will just be us cutting and coloring and pasting together, and I bought about 6 different educational games that we'll be starting the day with each day, and using for "breaks" from the more difficult work. A can of shaving cream on a cookie sheet will have him practicing his letter formation without having to pick up a pencil and do his most hated pencil work. a stick in the dirt, and a finger through salt, will do the same. I'll be getting some extra special lego kits and he'll be using legos to narrate stories to me, building and acting out his favorite parts. I'll be getting a lot of books for us to read together. Him to me, me to him. I hope I can awake that spark that's been dulled by two years of "failure" in school. Two years of not quite being able to keep up with his peers. two years of feeling he's stupid. I hate that a little boy has to feel that way, especially when he's a smart, insightful little boy, and nothing like stupid! I'm excited to start, and I'm hoping it goes well. I'm hoping he'll cooperate in the process, and that he'll like what I have planned for him. I'm hoping he makes progress and can catch up with his classmates. I'm hoping a lot for him, and praying for the best, but I will feel a success if I can bring him and I closer together, lower his anxiety, and open him up to learning again. That will be a success. Pray for us. It's T minus 6, and Pollyanna is ready.
Well, it isn't quite that easy. However, a lot of notes, a couple of FABULOUS speakers, and a whole boatload of encouragement from other homeschoolers on the floor of the expo later, I came out with Pollyanna at full bound. (well, not at full bound, her FEET really hurt after 3 full days at expo). She was limping very very happily along though. God is so good. Through the speakers and the encouragement and prayer, God changed my heart and opened my eyes to what my son really needs. It isn't about the fact that Jackson really needs to learn to read. It isn't about the fact that he's doing first grade work for the third time. It isn't about MY need for him to succeed on the same level as all my other kids. It isn't even about his frustrating behavior issues. What it is really about is that I have a little boy who has anxiety that is just through the roof when it comes to schooling, and that he has forgotten that learning is fun and rewarding. My job is not to teach him to read. I have a reading expert who is going to help with that. My main job is to remind him that learning is fun, that he is smart and wonderful just the way he is, and that he can accomplish anything he sets his mind to. Yes, he needs to learn, and I intend to teach him. I just intend to do it in the kindest and gentlest way I can conceive of. He's been beat down too much in his young life. He's had too many times when he didn't get what he really needed. He's had too many times when we didn't do better because we didn't know better. Thankfully, through therapy and observation we've come closer to really understanding what is making this complex little boy tick, and it's time for Jackson to get everything he needs, no matter what it takes.
I found a great curriculum through ACE education. It's a Christian curriculum, which I love, but more importantly the whole entire curriculum for his grade is written with built in helps for reading, like gray shaded silent letters, lines over the long vowels, etc. I think these built in clues will help his reading along. I found a science curriculum that has Jackson BEGGING to start homeschool. It is ALL experiments, and a lab journal. No textbooks, just hands on learning. I am wild about this curriculum. I have bought him the Electricity unit and in 12 weeks we can move on to other fascinating experiments and learning such as Polymers, rocks and minerals, robotics, food science, newton's law, etc, etc. I had so much trouble deciding where to start! I bought a few art books, that will just be us cutting and coloring and pasting together, and I bought about 6 different educational games that we'll be starting the day with each day, and using for "breaks" from the more difficult work. A can of shaving cream on a cookie sheet will have him practicing his letter formation without having to pick up a pencil and do his most hated pencil work. a stick in the dirt, and a finger through salt, will do the same. I'll be getting some extra special lego kits and he'll be using legos to narrate stories to me, building and acting out his favorite parts. I'll be getting a lot of books for us to read together. Him to me, me to him. I hope I can awake that spark that's been dulled by two years of "failure" in school. Two years of not quite being able to keep up with his peers. two years of feeling he's stupid. I hate that a little boy has to feel that way, especially when he's a smart, insightful little boy, and nothing like stupid! I'm excited to start, and I'm hoping it goes well. I'm hoping he'll cooperate in the process, and that he'll like what I have planned for him. I'm hoping he makes progress and can catch up with his classmates. I'm hoping a lot for him, and praying for the best, but I will feel a success if I can bring him and I closer together, lower his anxiety, and open him up to learning again. That will be a success. Pray for us. It's T minus 6, and Pollyanna is ready.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
All the wishing in the world. (or can't I just enjoy some ice cream?)
So I'm doing terrible on my healthy eating. I'm trying, but only kind of. It's really easy to get me off track. The last two days I've woken up hungry, and I'm thinking that is a good sign. Normally I'm never hungry because I eat so often I don't get a chance to be hungry. So this must mean I'm eating less, right? right? maybe? I don't know why I can't get serious. I NEED to get serious, because I am seriously FAT, and I am seriously going to be UNHEALTHY if I don't get a handle on this weight. That is serious, so why aren't I BEING serious about the weight loss?
I would like to think it isn't because I am just lazy and really want to eat what I want to eat. I would like to think that I have more control over myself than that, but sometimes I think... okay, if it waddles (literally) like a duck, quacks like a duck, etc...*sigh*
Sometimes I just get tired of thinking about it. Sometimes I just want to live and NOT have my weight be an issue, but when I live that way I am just pretending, because it is an issue. It affects how I act, how I move, my health, and how I think about myself. It does affect everything, so it is an issue, but I wish it wasn't.
All the wishing in the world won't make something happen though. I CAN'T eat what I want when I want, in the quantities I want and be a healthy weight. Yet my biggest problem seems to be that when I get at something I like, I can't just eat a LITTLE. I have to eat it ALL. It's like any health knowledge, self preservation skills, will power, and good intentions just evaporate like a light morning fog when I'm faced with Yumminess.
Especially sugary yumminess.
I have trouble with moderation it seems. Let's just put that out there. Sometimes when I write stuff down I seem to process it better.
Speaking of processing issues, here's another one I'm facing right now. My son, Jackson. He's had so much trouble with school the last two years. He's really made very little progress academically, and it's just recently we've started discovering that it isn't just willful disobedience - that his little brain just doesn't tick like most people, and we've been going through a lot in hopes of finding some solutions. I think HE is starting to get a glimmer of hope, and that gives us hope as parents. The crux of this issue for me though is this: I'll be homeschooling him this year. Gosh, that's hard. I'm terrified. He and I historically butt heads pretty badly over homework and I just keep thinking, it's ALL going to be HOME work now!!! I won't lie and say I have any confidence whatsoever about this undertaking. I have no choice. I am the only one for him right now. I am the one he needs. Lord, I am scared though. I have a homeschooling conference for three days at the end of this month and I'm going to be staying at a hotel for the duration (thursday and friday night). My goal is to be alone with all the information I gather and the Lord and my bible and to pray and seek him in solitude for the wisdom and direction I will need to lead Jackson this year in the direction he needs to go. I really feel the Lord and I are going to need a very serious pow wow about this. I need His strength and His direction and His wisdom for this undertaking. There is no way I will make it without Him. It seems my life constantly reminds me how little I can do in my own power. You'd think I'd remember it more often wouldn't' you? But no, I flail around like a lame duck on my own for however long and then go "oh, I guess I should be seeking the Lord about this!". My goal here is to seek the Lord FIRST and not do the lame duck thing. What a concept!!!
Oh, and on a VERY happy note, my brother accepted the Lord Jesus as his saviour! I've been praying for this for over 17 years. Just goes to show, NEVER give up praying. God is always working behind the scenes.
I would like to think it isn't because I am just lazy and really want to eat what I want to eat. I would like to think that I have more control over myself than that, but sometimes I think... okay, if it waddles (literally) like a duck, quacks like a duck, etc...*sigh*
Sometimes I just get tired of thinking about it. Sometimes I just want to live and NOT have my weight be an issue, but when I live that way I am just pretending, because it is an issue. It affects how I act, how I move, my health, and how I think about myself. It does affect everything, so it is an issue, but I wish it wasn't.
All the wishing in the world won't make something happen though. I CAN'T eat what I want when I want, in the quantities I want and be a healthy weight. Yet my biggest problem seems to be that when I get at something I like, I can't just eat a LITTLE. I have to eat it ALL. It's like any health knowledge, self preservation skills, will power, and good intentions just evaporate like a light morning fog when I'm faced with Yumminess.
Especially sugary yumminess.
I have trouble with moderation it seems. Let's just put that out there. Sometimes when I write stuff down I seem to process it better.
Speaking of processing issues, here's another one I'm facing right now. My son, Jackson. He's had so much trouble with school the last two years. He's really made very little progress academically, and it's just recently we've started discovering that it isn't just willful disobedience - that his little brain just doesn't tick like most people, and we've been going through a lot in hopes of finding some solutions. I think HE is starting to get a glimmer of hope, and that gives us hope as parents. The crux of this issue for me though is this: I'll be homeschooling him this year. Gosh, that's hard. I'm terrified. He and I historically butt heads pretty badly over homework and I just keep thinking, it's ALL going to be HOME work now!!! I won't lie and say I have any confidence whatsoever about this undertaking. I have no choice. I am the only one for him right now. I am the one he needs. Lord, I am scared though. I have a homeschooling conference for three days at the end of this month and I'm going to be staying at a hotel for the duration (thursday and friday night). My goal is to be alone with all the information I gather and the Lord and my bible and to pray and seek him in solitude for the wisdom and direction I will need to lead Jackson this year in the direction he needs to go. I really feel the Lord and I are going to need a very serious pow wow about this. I need His strength and His direction and His wisdom for this undertaking. There is no way I will make it without Him. It seems my life constantly reminds me how little I can do in my own power. You'd think I'd remember it more often wouldn't' you? But no, I flail around like a lame duck on my own for however long and then go "oh, I guess I should be seeking the Lord about this!". My goal here is to seek the Lord FIRST and not do the lame duck thing. What a concept!!!
Oh, and on a VERY happy note, my brother accepted the Lord Jesus as his saviour! I've been praying for this for over 17 years. Just goes to show, NEVER give up praying. God is always working behind the scenes.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Let's hope it gets HOT!
After yesterdays post, I got some requests to post a picture of our vacation savings thermometer. I hope that temperature rises fast!! Here it is! The children can all quote without looking "OUR INCREDIBLE, AMAZING, AWESOME, FAMILY VACATION ADVENTURE!" I think I'll need to get T-shirts made when the time comes that say just that.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Fat woman flies!!!! (or Yep, that is my butt!)
When I started writing again last year it was because I wanted to chronicle my health journey, and speak on things that plagued my mind, kind of "talking it out" with my friends and family as I wrote. I remember that I had big plans to be "fit not fat by 40". Well, I'll be 40 in about 4 months and I'm not fit and I'm still fat. Let's just get that out there. I went terribly awry somewhere along the way. I gained back much of the 25 pounds I lost, though not ALL of it. I'm about 10 pounds less than when I started last time. I've joined Weight Watchers recently and I've thought a lot about how I eat, how I live, and how to make healthy eating easier for my lifestyle. I'm trying to "engineer my environment" to help me. I made a spreadsheet this morning with all the staples we tend to have around the house all the time on it, and their WW points plus values. I'm going to laminate it and stick it on the fridge so I can see at a glance and have no excuse to be lazy and not track it. I went online and designed myself a plate! Did you know you can do that? It's a plate to remind me of my goals and to remind me what I should be putting on the plate! When I get it in the mail, I'll post a picture of it. I've decided that my mind likes to trick me and that the only way I'll win this battle is to trick it back, so I'm trying to think of the things that get me off track and proactively trying to find ways to work around them and derail my minds evil plans. I really want to be healthy and strong and I'm never going to give up, no matter how many times I have failed. I will figure out what works for me, and I will succeed. I will. Just you wait and see.
I haven't written for several months and there has been some highlights. My husband and I went on our first ever getaway since our marriage. It was just a short weekend in Bryson, NC, but it was WONDERFUL. We so needed that time alone and away. It was an anniversary present for my husband, from me, and I planned it full of stuff I thought he would enjoy doing. The one thing he always wanted to do was ziplining. I am dreadfully scared of heights so it always gave me a not so pleasant feeling in the pit of my stomach to think about zipping through the treetops tethered only by a small metal clip and a piece of string. I read and researched and read reviews and after several hours of this talked myself into buying us two tickets for ziplining. He was thrilled, but right up until we zipped the first time, I felt slightly nauseous. Guess what? Fat women can fly!!!! More amazingly, it was FUN. The only problem for me was that whenever I would get going too fast I would take a little mini panic attack and grab hold of the line (you are NOT supposed to do that, you are supposed to just lay the flat of your hand on the line to slow yourself down). When you grab the line, you stop jarringly, painfully, and suddenly and THIS happens:
I haven't written for several months and there has been some highlights. My husband and I went on our first ever getaway since our marriage. It was just a short weekend in Bryson, NC, but it was WONDERFUL. We so needed that time alone and away. It was an anniversary present for my husband, from me, and I planned it full of stuff I thought he would enjoy doing. The one thing he always wanted to do was ziplining. I am dreadfully scared of heights so it always gave me a not so pleasant feeling in the pit of my stomach to think about zipping through the treetops tethered only by a small metal clip and a piece of string. I read and researched and read reviews and after several hours of this talked myself into buying us two tickets for ziplining. He was thrilled, but right up until we zipped the first time, I felt slightly nauseous. Guess what? Fat women can fly!!!! More amazingly, it was FUN. The only problem for me was that whenever I would get going too fast I would take a little mini panic attack and grab hold of the line (you are NOT supposed to do that, you are supposed to just lay the flat of your hand on the line to slow yourself down). When you grab the line, you stop jarringly, painfully, and suddenly and THIS happens:
Yep, that is my butt! In all it's glory. flipped upside down by my panicked grabbing of the line on
a 637 foot zipline. Still, I did it. I enjoyed it, and the only fear I felt was actually when we were
standing on the platforms in between zips. They were high up and looking down gave me that feeling like my body was against its will leaning towards the vast empty spaces below me. So I started landing on the platforms and immediately hugging the tree in the middle of the platform and not looking down. Yes, I became a tree hugger. Literally.
The thing that makes me so proud is that this is probably the first time I've ever VOLUNTARILY faced
down one of my fears and overcame it. I've been forced to face my fears before, but it isn't the same thing. I DECIDED to face this one, for my husband, because I loved him and wanted him to do something he'd always wanted to do. Because I didn't want to hold him back. And it wasn't
that big of a deal. Infact, it was fun and I'd love to do it again! I think I'll make that picture this years Christmas card.
Another highlight since I last wrote. I finally really figured out this budget thing. I don't do it the way most people might, but I've found a system that works for me. It isn't pefect, but I generally know how much is in the bank, how much we have for any given budget item and what we will be able to do about things we need coming up. I've got a tiny bit going into savings on a regular basis and I'm getting most of the bills paid. I say most because we still have some medical bills from Josh's surgery we are trying to pay off that are above and beyond our monthly budget. I'm even starting to make slow progress on those. I have to say no a lot. No Honey, we can't afford new wood for your lathe, No kids, you can't have that, No kids, we have no money to eat out, No Tanya, you can't go to the craft store. No, No, No. But at least I'm not saying "No, electricity bill, you can't be paid". That's what matters. That's a personal victory, because I've been trying and failing at budgets for 20 years.
Thank you Lord for the creator of the "box budget" spreadsheet. For me, with Josh getting paid each week, it's the only thing that has helped me keep track. I'm a complicated girl, with the need for an uncomplicated budget. I'm proud I've figured something out. I'm actually now at the point where I can PLAN AHEAD FINANCIALLY. I've never been able to do that.
Speaking of planning ahead financially, there is big exciting news around the Cockrell House! We are taking a family vacation!!! When, you may ask? Well, whenever we save up enough money! But we are going! It occurred to me one day that if we didn't actively plan and save to take a family vacation we would never go before the kids were grown. You just don't "happen" to end up with enough extra money to take six people on vacation! Ever. My kids (after next month) will be 8,8,10, and 14. The next year or two is, to me, the perfect time to take them on a family vacation when they will be young enough to still be filled with wonder and not be "too cool for school" about the places we go. So
I talked to the kids about where they wanted to go most, and thought to myself about what would make a family vacation for them and us just the best ever, and did a bunch of online research to figure out how much a vacation such as that might cost. (a LOT!!). I then printed out many pictures of all the places (most notably, the wizarding world of Harry Potter/Universal Studios and Discovery Cove Florida) that we wanted to go (also seaworld and busch gardens) and laminated them and made a giant poster with all the pictures surrounding a large (about three feet tall) thermometer. Each line on the
thermometer represents 500 dollars towards our goal. I don't know how long it is going to take, but hopefully within the next 12-18 months we can make really good progress and take the longed after family vacation. It is probably the only one the kids will get until they are grown, the only big one anyway, so I want to make it good. I want to make it memorable. The kids are super excited about having this to look forward to. Any friend who comes in the house is immediately shown the thermometer and told of our plans. The 3 smaller kids have been crushing pop cans for ...has to be... at least a year now. They crush the cans and we put them in big black garbage bags. They've got two big black bags. The idea was, they crush all the pop cans and when we take them in for recycling they get to split the money between the three of them. Well, they've decided they want to put that money in the family vacation fund and see the thermometer go up by that much. I was impressed with this sacrifice and told the kids that whenever they sacrificed something of theirs for the common cause of a family vacation, I would find a place to sacrifice in the budget to match their contribution. So that their sacrifice would double. So if they get 30 dollars for their cans, 60 dollars will end up in the fund. They love this. I have set an automatic savings plan to come out of the paycheck each week. 10 dollars into the vacation fund. It's a tiny amount I know, but we're also saving for an emergency fund and most of the money has to go to that until it's reached a reasonable level since we have no credit cards anymore to fall back on in an emergency. But I just want the kids to see the thermometer going up, no matter how slow, so that they can see we ARE making progress towards our goal. I think it's cool. It gives me and the kids something to look forward to, and gives the family another thing to work towards together. I'm all for everything and anything that makes the family more of a team.
Well, I just wanted to post and say "I'm back" and I'm still fighting. Some things have gotten better since I stopped writing seven months ago, some have gotten worse, but life goes on and God is good! I'm glad to be back.
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