It's a disorder that dates back to Cain, as he beat his brother Abel to death at the dawn of humanity. It's ANGER, and I've just had to admit to myself that it's a disorder I've acquired over the last year.... or at least it's the last year that I've realized I've got anger that can get out of control faster than a hummingbird can flap its little wings.
I've always thought I was not a very angry person. I didn't understand people who seemed angry all the time, and I've always had somewhat of a modified Pollyanna kind of attitude towards life. Since I married my new husband Josh though, I've realized that nobody on earth has the power to make me as mad, as fast, as he does. It is really quite bizarre. I lived for 14 years with an emotionally abusive spouse and I think I screamed out loud maybe twice. Now I live with a man who really loves me and I'm so angry I can't even control myself. I will find myself screaming at him so loud I hurt my throat for two days! It's gotten to where I'm disturbed about how mad he can make me. I don't remember ever getting that angry in the past, and I've had lots of reason too.
There are lots of things I can blame it on. Peri-menopause is messing with my hormones big time, no mistaking that. I have a history of depression. Life is really a lot more stressful with a family of six than it was with a family of three. Four kids will drive anybody crazy. I'm overly busy and under rested. I haven't been in the word of God enough. However, the real thing at the bottom of this I think, is that I have a bullheaded, cocky (sorry, he would say that it's confident, but I feel it spills over into cocky) husband who wants everything his way all the time and happens to be more than a tad OCD in my humble opinion. I love this man more than I've loved any man in my entire life, but his family and friends will tell you that he is simply, and excuse my language in advance, a pain in the ass a lot of the time. (Before you read on know that any negative thing I might mention about my husband, is most probably matched by two negative things in my nature. This is really not supposed to be about his shortcomings, but MINE, in the inability to control my own anger)
It is something about THIS relationship that is sparking the anger. I'm not any more angry at the kids (at least not 99 percent of the time). It is Josh I get angry at. There seems to be a fundamental problem with our communication. I can't figure out how to remedy it. I say something and he hears something completely different. He says something and I hear something completely different. For people whose souls (I hate to use that term.. I want to gag whenever I hear soul mate.... I really think our only soul mate ought to be Jesus) are very similar - our core values are almost identical - we have a real heck of a time trying to understand each other. He spends a lot of time talking to me loudly and slowly like I'm mentally handicapped, and I spend a lot of time saying "huh?" and "what do you mean?" and "what does that have to do with what we were talking about?" and simply "you're just weird honey".
Now many women complain that their husband never talks to them. I don't have that problem. My husband will talk at length to anybody at anytime about anything. Including me. Frankly, he rarely shuts up. It's the fact that very little is getting communicated to me during this talking that builds frustration. I just feel like we talk and talk and it doesn't lead to any better understanding between us. It seems that the same issues come up again and again and never get resolved. We will be fine for a few weeks or a month and then I will blow up over something that I've blown up about before and we'll fight the same fight we fought before, and I'm left emotionally drained, guilty (did we scream in front of the kids?), and wondering what I am doing wrong.
Something has got to change. We're not in trouble. I mean it isn't like we're thinking of divorce or any such thing. We love each other deeply and we are committed for life. It is that exact reason that drives me to seek a solution to this recurring issue and my ever building anger. I'm going to be making us an appointment this week with a counselor. Hopefully she can teach us how to better hear each other. My wonderful husband is willing to go or do whatever it takes. He doesn't enjoy these arguments any more than I do (although he gets over them a lot quicker than I do, one of his very positive traits. he does NOT hold a grudge).
The last fight was last week. It was over a discipline issue with our youngest son. I had to go apologize to the children that they had to hear me yell and I promised I was going to do whatever it took not to yell in front of them anymore. I plan to keep that promise. If we need to go out to the car and yell in there, so be it. Better though, if we could both learn not to yell. What good is yelling?
When I went to apologize to my son Sammy he saw that I was upset and had been crying. Tears came to his eyes (for those of you who read my last post, yes, Empathy is starting to come..) and he said how he hates it when I am sad. Then he quoted me the bible. He said, ever so gently and lovingly, "Mommy, you know in the bible it says 'do not let the sun go down on your anger.'" he choked it out past tears. This, of course, made my tears flow ever more freely. Any of my kids quoting the word or singing worship songs almost immediately sets me to crying on a good day. This was a bad day. I thanked him for sharing the wisdom of the word of God with me as I murmured my love and promises to do better into the soft folds of his little neck. Then the head of my seven year old Jackson appeared upside down like a little blond headed bat from the top bunk and grinned at me. "I forgive you mommy. I love you", and Sammy added "we all make mistakes". Who can go to bed angry with that kind of love in your life? I said a quick prayer right there. "Lord, don't let the sun go down on me. Clean my heart of bitterness and anger," and he did. For now.
Now it's up to me. And Josh. And the counselor. And almighty God. (look at all that bad grammar in a row!!). I'm never going to stop working on my issues, our issues, whatever. I want to be old on my front porch with this man, rocking away with some grandbabies on my knee. I want us to look at each other and smile. I want people in restaurants to smile and go "look at that cute old couple holding hands. they look like newlyweds." Yes, I'm willing to work hard for that. I've had to work hard for everything good in my life, why should this be any different?
So it's time to publish my post and go pick up the phone and make an appt. While I'm at it I'll make one for myself privately, for Jackson, who I'm pretty sure has oppositional defiant disorder (at least it doesn't start with A!), and for Sammy (who has to live with Josh and Jackson, need I say more) and for Elizabeth (who just wants somebody to talk to who isn't her Mom or Dad). I'm starting to think I ought to make a family appointment just to air our grievances in a safe place and to give Abby (the baby, and our most well adjusted normal child) a chance to see the counselor too. I wouldn't want her to feel left out. Boy, do we sound messed up. I'm chancing a guess though, that as families go, we aren't all that odd. Everyone has baggage, just not all families have a full luggage set like ours does.
Wish us luck, but more importantly, pray for the counselor! lol! The Cockrell's are about to descend on her!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
On disorders that start with A, and a journey into SammyLand.
I've just today realized that in my house we seem to have disorders or diseases that start with A. I have severe ASTHMA. My husband had to have open heart surgery to replace his huge AORTIC ANEURISM (two A's!). My youngest son has ADD. My oldest son has ASPERGER'S syndrome. several of the household suffer with seasonal ALLERGIES. I myself suffer from an ANAPHALACTIC ALLERGY to nuts. My oldest daughter has ATTITUDE. Oh wait, that isn't a disorder, that's just being 13. Never the less it seems "A" disorders are very prevalent in our house. I do hope this trend doesn't continue up the alphabet and just stays put in the A's. I would hate for us to start having things like boils and botulism. At any rate, I want to talk today about one of these A's.
My oldest son Samuel has Asperger's Syndrome. Many don't know what that is. It's kind of complicated, but I'll try to make it simple. Hans Asperger published the first definition of Asperger Syndrome in 1944. He identified a pattern of behavior and abilities that he called "autistic psychopathy". The pattern included "a lack of empathy, little ability to form friendships, one-sided conversations, intense absorption in a special interest, and clumsy movements." Asperger called children with AS "little professors" because of their ability to talk about their favorite subject in great detail.
When I first read this definition I was struck dumb. All of a sudden it made sense that I had a three year old that related everything (and I mean everything!) to Star Wars. He became obsessed with everything Star Wars and one day in church right up at the alter while the pastor was trying to give the children's message he expounded on the topic of the Gospel according to star wars. 'It seems to me', he said "that Luke Skywalker is kind of like Jesus and that Darth Vadar is kind of like Satan, or at least works for him. The force is like God and Satan because there is the dark side and the light side." It seemed to me that the windows of the sanctuary were about to blow out with the laughter that came from the congregation. The pastor just sat there, kind of dumbstruck. Remember, this child was three at the time. I was in the audience trying to decide if I should slink down the pew in embarrassment or beam with pride that my three year old was so insightful! The pastor eventually got back on track. I never have.
My son is now 9. He's in grade three. He's extremely bright, as are most kids with Asperger's Syndrome. He does well in school, and loves to learn. About sixteen seconds after he learns something he is in the backseat of the van telling it to Abby, his seven year old sister, because the only thing he likes better than learning is telling other people what he has learned. Yes, "little professor" applies perfectly to him.
Some of the other symptoms took more time to figure out. Like his lack of Empathy. I thought he had empathy. He had me fooled. I got sick when he was just a toddler and I was throwing up in the toilet, and next thing I know here is Sammy patting my back and saying "shhhh, shhhh Mommy". Wow, how sweet is that? When I was sick in bed with a stomach virus last year (that he was just getting over), he brought me blankets and cold clothes. He took care of me like nobody could, without me even asking! So how is it his sister can fall off her scooter and be bleeding and crying and he can scooter right past her without even seeming to notice? Things that make me go hmmm. I realized at some point that Sammy is a very good mimic. He takes care of me when I'm sick in the exact way I take care of him when he's sick. In his mind, that's how you do it. Like mom does. When he was sad I would hold him and pat him and say "shhhh Sammy, shhh! It's okay". He loves me more than anyone. Joshua calls me "his home base", and in many ways that is true. So he uses me as a model of how to feel. I'm still trying to figure out how much of his "thoughtful" behaviour is learned and how much is true feelings. We went to the fair not long ago and Jackson, his little brother, fell down. Sammy came running up to me and he had true worry in his eyes as he said "mom, come quick, Jackson is hurt!" I went and comforted Jackson (just a little scrape on his knee), but the whole time I was thinking "that was real Empathy!" and I was rejoicing.
Inside, though I was firm on the outside, I also rejoiced the first time Sammy tried to be sneaky last year. My son doesn't lie. He just doesn't. Josh didn't believe that when we first got married. He said "all kids lie". I said "Sammy doesn't". He believes it now. I've never caught Sammy in a willful lie. He may lie from misunderstanding the question, or being frustratingly literal in his answers ("I didn't hit him! I SLAPPED him"). We now ask questions like "Sammy, did you hit, slap, punch, tap, harrass, annoy or otherwise offend Jackson?" He tells the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Last year he tried to sneak his Nintendo DS outside after Josh told him he couldn't take it outside. He was transparent about it. Josh saw through it in a new york minute. I was simultaneously very concerned (HE WAS SNEAKY!!!!) and rejoicing (HE WAS SNEAKY!!!). It's a hard line to walk as a mom. You are happy because it is "normal" behaviour, but you still need to teach them it's wrong. Only other Asperger's mom's or Autism mom's really understand this feeling of rejoicing over "bad" behaviour. It means they are making progress. It means one more step out of his little world and into ours.
He still sees HIS problems as huge. Any injustice done to him is horrible, but the same injustice done to a sibling isn't a big deal because he "didn't mean to". If his motive wasn't bad, he sees nothing to feel sorry about. It is a very hard concept to get him to understand.
The inability to make good friendships, and one sided conversations are also a specialty of his. He thinks that everybody should enjoy the play by play of his Nintendo game as much as he does. We've had to teach him what a bored person looks like. We've had to teach him to ask about somebody else and what they like. There is a little boy about his age that lives down the street. I guarantee you he's got Asperger's even though his parents have not had him diagnosed. He is just like Sammy. It is funny to us, and confusing, because this boy will come over to play and an hour later the boy will be in Sammy's room playing DS and Sammy will be in the living room watching TV. I'll say "where's your friend" and he'll say "oh, he's in my room". It doesn't occur to either one of them that when you play together you ought to be .....well....together. They are a perfect pair. I hope that boy never moves.
Sammy, strangely enough,is intensely social and loves to be with people and meet people. He can talk to almost anyone. Unfortunately, though adults tend to adore him for his intelligence, enthusiasm and advanced speech, his peers seem to know that there is something a little different about Sammy. Something not quite "right". He has some incredibly kind children in his class at his small Christian school and for that I'm very grateful. I've always believed and I still believe that public school would chew him up and spit him out in a month. I appreciate the chance his school gives him to grow and learn socially at a pace that he can better cope with. Sammy has had two total meltdowns since school started in August. His classmates don't judge him for it, and his teachers try hard to understand. They pray for him, and they all try to look for the positive in him instead of focusing on the issues. I couldn't ask for much more. He's come a very long way in a year. Josh has had a lot to do with that. My husband looked at Sammy from a step father's perspective, which is a little less involved and emotional than my ex husband and I tend to be. He said basically, "He's a great kid but in a few years if he keeps talking like that he's going to get the crap beaten out of him". Well then. That was hard for me to hear. Over a year later when I ask my child if he'd like me to make him some oatmeal for breakfast says things like "that would be cool mom", "awesome" or "that would be perfect. I'd love that!" When we got married he was answering. "oatmeal? why yes, I adore oatmeal. That would be absolutely wonderful! Thank you SO much mommy!" Though I'm sure you can see why his mommy was charmed with the old way, the new way really will help him get beat up less as he gets older. For this I really appreciate my husband. I'm the momma bear who always jumps to Sammy's defense. Over the years I've had to learn to fight hard for him. To fight for diagnoses, to fight for treatment, to fight for equality, and to fight for his innocence and his childhood. It is hard sometimes to step back and stop fighting. Josh has taught Sammy to be much more resilient. That's a good thing, though it's been as hard on me as it has been on Sammy. Maybe harder.
The thing with Asperger's kids is that they have no filter for stuff coming into their heads. Most of us can disregard the unimportant stuff. They can not. I read once in a wonderful book called The Case of the Dog at Midnight, which is written from the point of view of a teenager with Asperger's, something that explained to me perfectly one of the reasons Sammy is the way he is. It said (and I am grossly paraphrasing because I don't have that book anymore) that a regular person will look at a field and see a field with cows and flowers. Sammy would look at that same field and he would see a field with 17 cows, seven of which are black and white. He would see that the field slopes down to the left. He would see that there were four different kinds of flowers and he would note where they all were. He would notice if there was any dew and he would notice the color of the sky. He would notice cow patties. You get the idea. His brain takes in EVERYTHING he sees. It makes him sensitive (for some it is sound, for Sammy it is smells) to certain things, and it makes it so that sometimes he has to go somewhere and be alone, just to regroup. We always used to find it odd (pre-diagnosis) when we would take him to a party and he would laugh and play and then all of a sudden we'd notice he was gone. He'd be in the birthday child's room quietly playing with a toy. We now know this was a coping mechanism for him. He was always such a sweet and good natured boy that his way was just to slip away. Now that he is older he doesn't always physically get away (especially in a house with six people and 3 rooms). He goes to a place we affectionately call Sammy Land. It's in his head, and by his own admission, it's a very nice place. Sammy Land is not always an easy place to come back from, and it is the creation of Sammy Land that helped us realize that something was wrong. His preschool teacher would tell us that she had to touch him to get him to hear her when the class would switch activities. Many of the little girls in his class would take his hand, lead him where they were supposed to go, or fetch his snack for him (They were all little enablers). In this way he would be gone so often that he couldn't pick up the classroom routine, even halfway into the year. For some born with a less easy going nature the result of overstimulation can be tantrums, running in frantic circles, or any number of other disturbing things. For us, thank goodness, it is Sammy Land.
My ex has many of the same symptoms as Sammy does. There has been research that Asperger's is highly concentrated in areas where there is a high concentration of geeks marrying geeks (okay, the research didn't put it in those exact terms) like in Silicon Valley in California. My ex husband's mom and dad are both engineers. He is also an engineer. All very logical and linear thinkers. Linear marries linear and has a little double linear. He then goes on to have Sammy. Take Sammy and Sammy Land and times it by 10 and you have a severe autistic child who can never leave his own land. We are blessed.
I believe it is people like Sammy who will grow up thinking outside the box, making headway into places other people might not dare to go, or even be able to. Many people think Einstein probably had Asperger's syndrome. Well, you could do worse than Einstein! Even if Sammy doesn't grow up and invent something wonderful (as his three siblings readily admit to believing he will), doesn't discover the cures for (his list) cancer, spina bifida and Asthma, or change the world in a profound way, I wouldn't change one single thing about him. He has profoundly changed MY world already, at the tender age of 9. He has widened my heart, opened my eyes, and given me insight and understanding into people. He has taught me greater Empathy, greater patience, and greater love. Second only to Jesus Christ has anybody ever so profoundly changed the substance of who I am. God made him a miracle, and meant him to be exactly who he is. I'm not trying to change Sammy to "fit in" with the world, I'm just working to help him cope with having to live in it. Couldn't we all use a little help with that? Here's the bottom Line:
He's my Sammy, and I love him so.
Blessings and good night. Tanya
p.s. for more information on Asperger's syndrome, a good site to visit is http://www.aspergersyndrome.org/
My oldest son Samuel has Asperger's Syndrome. Many don't know what that is. It's kind of complicated, but I'll try to make it simple. Hans Asperger published the first definition of Asperger Syndrome in 1944. He identified a pattern of behavior and abilities that he called "autistic psychopathy". The pattern included "a lack of empathy, little ability to form friendships, one-sided conversations, intense absorption in a special interest, and clumsy movements." Asperger called children with AS "little professors" because of their ability to talk about their favorite subject in great detail.
When I first read this definition I was struck dumb. All of a sudden it made sense that I had a three year old that related everything (and I mean everything!) to Star Wars. He became obsessed with everything Star Wars and one day in church right up at the alter while the pastor was trying to give the children's message he expounded on the topic of the Gospel according to star wars. 'It seems to me', he said "that Luke Skywalker is kind of like Jesus and that Darth Vadar is kind of like Satan, or at least works for him. The force is like God and Satan because there is the dark side and the light side." It seemed to me that the windows of the sanctuary were about to blow out with the laughter that came from the congregation. The pastor just sat there, kind of dumbstruck. Remember, this child was three at the time. I was in the audience trying to decide if I should slink down the pew in embarrassment or beam with pride that my three year old was so insightful! The pastor eventually got back on track. I never have.
My son is now 9. He's in grade three. He's extremely bright, as are most kids with Asperger's Syndrome. He does well in school, and loves to learn. About sixteen seconds after he learns something he is in the backseat of the van telling it to Abby, his seven year old sister, because the only thing he likes better than learning is telling other people what he has learned. Yes, "little professor" applies perfectly to him.
Some of the other symptoms took more time to figure out. Like his lack of Empathy. I thought he had empathy. He had me fooled. I got sick when he was just a toddler and I was throwing up in the toilet, and next thing I know here is Sammy patting my back and saying "shhhh, shhhh Mommy". Wow, how sweet is that? When I was sick in bed with a stomach virus last year (that he was just getting over), he brought me blankets and cold clothes. He took care of me like nobody could, without me even asking! So how is it his sister can fall off her scooter and be bleeding and crying and he can scooter right past her without even seeming to notice? Things that make me go hmmm. I realized at some point that Sammy is a very good mimic. He takes care of me when I'm sick in the exact way I take care of him when he's sick. In his mind, that's how you do it. Like mom does. When he was sad I would hold him and pat him and say "shhhh Sammy, shhh! It's okay". He loves me more than anyone. Joshua calls me "his home base", and in many ways that is true. So he uses me as a model of how to feel. I'm still trying to figure out how much of his "thoughtful" behaviour is learned and how much is true feelings. We went to the fair not long ago and Jackson, his little brother, fell down. Sammy came running up to me and he had true worry in his eyes as he said "mom, come quick, Jackson is hurt!" I went and comforted Jackson (just a little scrape on his knee), but the whole time I was thinking "that was real Empathy!" and I was rejoicing.
Inside, though I was firm on the outside, I also rejoiced the first time Sammy tried to be sneaky last year. My son doesn't lie. He just doesn't. Josh didn't believe that when we first got married. He said "all kids lie". I said "Sammy doesn't". He believes it now. I've never caught Sammy in a willful lie. He may lie from misunderstanding the question, or being frustratingly literal in his answers ("I didn't hit him! I SLAPPED him"). We now ask questions like "Sammy, did you hit, slap, punch, tap, harrass, annoy or otherwise offend Jackson?" He tells the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Last year he tried to sneak his Nintendo DS outside after Josh told him he couldn't take it outside. He was transparent about it. Josh saw through it in a new york minute. I was simultaneously very concerned (HE WAS SNEAKY!!!!) and rejoicing (HE WAS SNEAKY!!!). It's a hard line to walk as a mom. You are happy because it is "normal" behaviour, but you still need to teach them it's wrong. Only other Asperger's mom's or Autism mom's really understand this feeling of rejoicing over "bad" behaviour. It means they are making progress. It means one more step out of his little world and into ours.
He still sees HIS problems as huge. Any injustice done to him is horrible, but the same injustice done to a sibling isn't a big deal because he "didn't mean to". If his motive wasn't bad, he sees nothing to feel sorry about. It is a very hard concept to get him to understand.
The inability to make good friendships, and one sided conversations are also a specialty of his. He thinks that everybody should enjoy the play by play of his Nintendo game as much as he does. We've had to teach him what a bored person looks like. We've had to teach him to ask about somebody else and what they like. There is a little boy about his age that lives down the street. I guarantee you he's got Asperger's even though his parents have not had him diagnosed. He is just like Sammy. It is funny to us, and confusing, because this boy will come over to play and an hour later the boy will be in Sammy's room playing DS and Sammy will be in the living room watching TV. I'll say "where's your friend" and he'll say "oh, he's in my room". It doesn't occur to either one of them that when you play together you ought to be .....well....together. They are a perfect pair. I hope that boy never moves.
Sammy, strangely enough,is intensely social and loves to be with people and meet people. He can talk to almost anyone. Unfortunately, though adults tend to adore him for his intelligence, enthusiasm and advanced speech, his peers seem to know that there is something a little different about Sammy. Something not quite "right". He has some incredibly kind children in his class at his small Christian school and for that I'm very grateful. I've always believed and I still believe that public school would chew him up and spit him out in a month. I appreciate the chance his school gives him to grow and learn socially at a pace that he can better cope with. Sammy has had two total meltdowns since school started in August. His classmates don't judge him for it, and his teachers try hard to understand. They pray for him, and they all try to look for the positive in him instead of focusing on the issues. I couldn't ask for much more. He's come a very long way in a year. Josh has had a lot to do with that. My husband looked at Sammy from a step father's perspective, which is a little less involved and emotional than my ex husband and I tend to be. He said basically, "He's a great kid but in a few years if he keeps talking like that he's going to get the crap beaten out of him". Well then. That was hard for me to hear. Over a year later when I ask my child if he'd like me to make him some oatmeal for breakfast says things like "that would be cool mom", "awesome" or "that would be perfect. I'd love that!" When we got married he was answering. "oatmeal? why yes, I adore oatmeal. That would be absolutely wonderful! Thank you SO much mommy!" Though I'm sure you can see why his mommy was charmed with the old way, the new way really will help him get beat up less as he gets older. For this I really appreciate my husband. I'm the momma bear who always jumps to Sammy's defense. Over the years I've had to learn to fight hard for him. To fight for diagnoses, to fight for treatment, to fight for equality, and to fight for his innocence and his childhood. It is hard sometimes to step back and stop fighting. Josh has taught Sammy to be much more resilient. That's a good thing, though it's been as hard on me as it has been on Sammy. Maybe harder.
The thing with Asperger's kids is that they have no filter for stuff coming into their heads. Most of us can disregard the unimportant stuff. They can not. I read once in a wonderful book called The Case of the Dog at Midnight, which is written from the point of view of a teenager with Asperger's, something that explained to me perfectly one of the reasons Sammy is the way he is. It said (and I am grossly paraphrasing because I don't have that book anymore) that a regular person will look at a field and see a field with cows and flowers. Sammy would look at that same field and he would see a field with 17 cows, seven of which are black and white. He would see that the field slopes down to the left. He would see that there were four different kinds of flowers and he would note where they all were. He would notice if there was any dew and he would notice the color of the sky. He would notice cow patties. You get the idea. His brain takes in EVERYTHING he sees. It makes him sensitive (for some it is sound, for Sammy it is smells) to certain things, and it makes it so that sometimes he has to go somewhere and be alone, just to regroup. We always used to find it odd (pre-diagnosis) when we would take him to a party and he would laugh and play and then all of a sudden we'd notice he was gone. He'd be in the birthday child's room quietly playing with a toy. We now know this was a coping mechanism for him. He was always such a sweet and good natured boy that his way was just to slip away. Now that he is older he doesn't always physically get away (especially in a house with six people and 3 rooms). He goes to a place we affectionately call Sammy Land. It's in his head, and by his own admission, it's a very nice place. Sammy Land is not always an easy place to come back from, and it is the creation of Sammy Land that helped us realize that something was wrong. His preschool teacher would tell us that she had to touch him to get him to hear her when the class would switch activities. Many of the little girls in his class would take his hand, lead him where they were supposed to go, or fetch his snack for him (They were all little enablers). In this way he would be gone so often that he couldn't pick up the classroom routine, even halfway into the year. For some born with a less easy going nature the result of overstimulation can be tantrums, running in frantic circles, or any number of other disturbing things. For us, thank goodness, it is Sammy Land.
My ex has many of the same symptoms as Sammy does. There has been research that Asperger's is highly concentrated in areas where there is a high concentration of geeks marrying geeks (okay, the research didn't put it in those exact terms) like in Silicon Valley in California. My ex husband's mom and dad are both engineers. He is also an engineer. All very logical and linear thinkers. Linear marries linear and has a little double linear. He then goes on to have Sammy. Take Sammy and Sammy Land and times it by 10 and you have a severe autistic child who can never leave his own land. We are blessed.
I believe it is people like Sammy who will grow up thinking outside the box, making headway into places other people might not dare to go, or even be able to. Many people think Einstein probably had Asperger's syndrome. Well, you could do worse than Einstein! Even if Sammy doesn't grow up and invent something wonderful (as his three siblings readily admit to believing he will), doesn't discover the cures for (his list) cancer, spina bifida and Asthma, or change the world in a profound way, I wouldn't change one single thing about him. He has profoundly changed MY world already, at the tender age of 9. He has widened my heart, opened my eyes, and given me insight and understanding into people. He has taught me greater Empathy, greater patience, and greater love. Second only to Jesus Christ has anybody ever so profoundly changed the substance of who I am. God made him a miracle, and meant him to be exactly who he is. I'm not trying to change Sammy to "fit in" with the world, I'm just working to help him cope with having to live in it. Couldn't we all use a little help with that? Here's the bottom Line:
He's my Sammy, and I love him so.
Blessings and good night. Tanya
p.s. for more information on Asperger's syndrome, a good site to visit is http://www.aspergersyndrome.org/
| “ | We are convinced, then, that autistic people have their place in the organism of the social community. They fulfil their role well, perhaps better than anyone else could, and we are talking of people who as children had the greatest difficulties and caused untold worries to their care-givers. - Hans Asperger. |
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
This just makes me HAPPY!
Wow, you know, some things just make me happy. My favorite movie of all time is the sound of music. One of my favorite things to do is give people happy surprises. These people combined both of these when they surprised a crowd in an Antwerp Belgium Train Station. I LOVE THIS. Yes, I've seen it before, but everytime I see it I get the biggest goofiest smile on my face. I read that they had only two rehearsals before they pulled off this incredible stunt! Enjoy.
budget blues.
A budget tells us what we can't afford, but it doesn't keep us from buying it.
William Feather
If we do not discipline ourselves the world will do it for us.
William Feather
William Feather, my new "go to" guy for quotes that drive the knife deep and twist it around a bit. I spent the three hours my little ones were in school today, and the five hours after they got home, glued to my computer screen trying to get a grip on a family budget. oh, my aching head.
This is not my first attempt. I've tried quicken, I've tried moneystrands, I've tried mint.com, I've tried my own handwritten and typewritten spreadsheets. I've quickly given up as it became either too complicated (quicken!), or did not offer the budgeting tools I wanted that showed me what was left of my monthly pay as I planned it (moneystrands!), or was simply not what I envisioned when picturing what I needed out of a budget program (mint.com).
Well, after 8 months of my husband being off work due to heart surgery(he went back on the 1st of September, healthy and strong, God is good!), and the debt piling up and the creditors calling, I realized we REALLY needed to get a budget going, if only in order to see how much money we didn't have. So.... I went again on that elusive search and ended up spending 15 dollars today (not in the budget, but fully refundable if I don't like it) on a program I found on the web that is simply a series of linked exel spreadsheets. It's perfect. I spent the day entering all the budget categories I could think of and copying and pasting them out through the middle of next year. I then went on my bank website and I tried to figure out when in the month all the bills came due. Next, I made a long list of all the dates money will be entering the bank account and an estimate of how much money will be entering, no matter how briefly, into the hallowed account.
Now, starting October 1st (I wasn't about to work all those hours for the 2 remaining days in September) I can simply click on the spreadsheet page that says "daily spending" and record everything in all my categories I spend each day. I even set an alarm on my phone to remind me each morning to put the previous days spending in the program. At the end of the month (or anytime during) I can click on overview and it will tell me where I'm at.. how much I've budgeted and how much I've spent on any given category.
According to the forecast, I'm about 500-700 dollars in the hole each month. I asked Joshua if he thought we could live without utilities and maybe one of the kids, but he said no. I guess I'll have to look less obvious places to find out where to cut stuff out. Can you pawn a pile of dirty laundry? A huge help would be if I could sell the house I moved out of to marry my wonderful new family. That would about take care of that deficit in one fell swoop. Lord PLEASE find me a buyer!
Now, even though it has turned what was kind of fuzzy vague bad news (I think we are in the negative every month) into a cold hard fact (Heck yeah, we're really broke), I'm still happy I did it. Now I have a really pretty spreadsheet with lots of red numbers on it to back up my "no" when I tell the kids they can't have something. When the creditors call I can tell them with all certainty that yes indeed it is true.. blood can not be got out of a stone. I can send them a copy of my spreadsheet to prove it. Also, it's a starting place. As William Feather predicted - the world has disciplined me - and now it's time for us to discipline ourselves a little more and make this budget thing WORK. There are no more credit cards to fall back on, the savings have been gone through. It's up to us and us alone to keep the wolves from the door, and battle back to solvency. God has never let us down before, and I believe he'll continue to take care of us as we work our way back to a safer more comfortable financial place.
Tomorrow I'll be taking my due date data and transferring it to a calendar sheet where I can see at a glance which pay period things come due and I'm going to figure out what needs to come out of which paycheck. Then I'll be pretty financially organized and at least be able to track the money as it flashes into and out of our account faster than the naked eye can see. Somehow, that is comforting. A starting point. We all need them. A fresh new year, a new month, a new week, a new day. Yes, even a new budget. As one of my favorite songs on the radio says:
We lose our way,
We get back up again
It's never too late to get back up again,
One day you will shine again,
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever.
(love you Toby Mac!)
So there. That's all I've got to say about that! Good night and many blessings.
William Feather
If we do not discipline ourselves the world will do it for us.
William Feather
William Feather, my new "go to" guy for quotes that drive the knife deep and twist it around a bit. I spent the three hours my little ones were in school today, and the five hours after they got home, glued to my computer screen trying to get a grip on a family budget. oh, my aching head.
This is not my first attempt. I've tried quicken, I've tried moneystrands, I've tried mint.com, I've tried my own handwritten and typewritten spreadsheets. I've quickly given up as it became either too complicated (quicken!), or did not offer the budgeting tools I wanted that showed me what was left of my monthly pay as I planned it (moneystrands!), or was simply not what I envisioned when picturing what I needed out of a budget program (mint.com).
Well, after 8 months of my husband being off work due to heart surgery(he went back on the 1st of September, healthy and strong, God is good!), and the debt piling up and the creditors calling, I realized we REALLY needed to get a budget going, if only in order to see how much money we didn't have. So.... I went again on that elusive search and ended up spending 15 dollars today (not in the budget, but fully refundable if I don't like it) on a program I found on the web that is simply a series of linked exel spreadsheets. It's perfect. I spent the day entering all the budget categories I could think of and copying and pasting them out through the middle of next year. I then went on my bank website and I tried to figure out when in the month all the bills came due. Next, I made a long list of all the dates money will be entering the bank account and an estimate of how much money will be entering, no matter how briefly, into the hallowed account.
Now, starting October 1st (I wasn't about to work all those hours for the 2 remaining days in September) I can simply click on the spreadsheet page that says "daily spending" and record everything in all my categories I spend each day. I even set an alarm on my phone to remind me each morning to put the previous days spending in the program. At the end of the month (or anytime during) I can click on overview and it will tell me where I'm at.. how much I've budgeted and how much I've spent on any given category.
According to the forecast, I'm about 500-700 dollars in the hole each month. I asked Joshua if he thought we could live without utilities and maybe one of the kids, but he said no. I guess I'll have to look less obvious places to find out where to cut stuff out. Can you pawn a pile of dirty laundry? A huge help would be if I could sell the house I moved out of to marry my wonderful new family. That would about take care of that deficit in one fell swoop. Lord PLEASE find me a buyer!
Now, even though it has turned what was kind of fuzzy vague bad news (I think we are in the negative every month) into a cold hard fact (Heck yeah, we're really broke), I'm still happy I did it. Now I have a really pretty spreadsheet with lots of red numbers on it to back up my "no" when I tell the kids they can't have something. When the creditors call I can tell them with all certainty that yes indeed it is true.. blood can not be got out of a stone. I can send them a copy of my spreadsheet to prove it. Also, it's a starting place. As William Feather predicted - the world has disciplined me - and now it's time for us to discipline ourselves a little more and make this budget thing WORK. There are no more credit cards to fall back on, the savings have been gone through. It's up to us and us alone to keep the wolves from the door, and battle back to solvency. God has never let us down before, and I believe he'll continue to take care of us as we work our way back to a safer more comfortable financial place.
Tomorrow I'll be taking my due date data and transferring it to a calendar sheet where I can see at a glance which pay period things come due and I'm going to figure out what needs to come out of which paycheck. Then I'll be pretty financially organized and at least be able to track the money as it flashes into and out of our account faster than the naked eye can see. Somehow, that is comforting. A starting point. We all need them. A fresh new year, a new month, a new week, a new day. Yes, even a new budget. As one of my favorite songs on the radio says:
We lose our way,
We get back up again
It's never too late to get back up again,
One day you will shine again,
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever.
(love you Toby Mac!)
So there. That's all I've got to say about that! Good night and many blessings.
Monday, September 27, 2010
confessions of an angry mother.
Okay, I admit that I'm not the perfect mom. I'm sure that was no big surprise to any of you that are parents because the quickest and most sure way to be completely and totally humbled is to have children.When you look into the face of perfection, just moments after birth, and realize how absolutely unequipped you are to do right by this little piece of heaven, you start to realize how fallible you really are.
Today though, I am sitting here just seething. I'm seething because my son Jackson thinks that copying five words out is the equivalent to having his toenails ripped out with pliers one by one. I am seething because my sweet daughter Abby is kicking her little feet and making 5 minutes worth of homework last 45. I am seething because my ex husband did not return my son's piano book, so he has nothing to practice with all week. I am seething because I feel as if I should have figured out by now how to peacefully navigate the homework/after school thing and I haven't.
Now because I am a woman I can tell you this. I was not seething 10 minutes ago. I will probably not be seething by the time I'm done writing this blog entry. Right this second however, I am in an incredibly large, all consuming seethe. My teeth are clenched, I dislike 2 out of my 4 children, and my traitorous mind is saying "you really need to go find something composed of caramel and chocolate and eat it as fast as humanly possible". My head is pounding in time to my heart somewhere right in the middle of my forehead . I know my face has an ugly look on it. I can feel that it is all pinched up and tense. Why is it that I can get SO angry SO fast, and then be happy as a pig in slop 30 minutes later? I used to be much more consistently mild mannered before I started this whole mysterious thing my doctor calls "peri-menopause",which as far as I can tell means "you are going slowly crazy and are just going to get more so over the next 10 or 15 years until your whole reproductive system finally just shuts down and you at long last feel normal again". (look it up, I'm sure that definition is in the dictionary somewhere!).
Okay, I've been sitting typing about ten minutes and I can feel the seethe passing. Is "the seethe" even a correct usage of words? If it isn't it should be! I'm loving all the children again. My sore clenched jaw is starting to loosen up and I'm slightly less annoyed with all the childish prattle in the background. Also, my reasoning mind that is slowly reasserting itself is happy that I had no milk duds in the house for the last ten minutes. It tells me I should go eat a healthy lunch. It chastises me that it is 3:15 and I haven't had lunch yet. tsk. tsk. I can answer Abby's question with a smile (slightly forced, but it's there). "yes, darling, you can have an applesauce. Of course you can." move the jaw back and forth and try the smile again. okay, that's a bit better. I've been doing this several times a day, this kind of mini rebellion of the good mom. I really need to loosen up or something. Or maybe the kids just need to start freakin' LISTENING to me! oh, did I say that out loud? Did I write that down?
The Tanya Seethe. I'd say not as bad as a Blowup but worse than a Peeve. About the equivalent maybe of a Rant, although my husband would probably tell you that depends entirely on the rant. I'm not fond of them, but maybe for now it's the way my mind and body have chosen to deal with the stress of four kids, a husband, and ex, two dogs and a crazy schedule. Another thing to look into. I'll add it to the list.
Now, where'd I put that darn list anyway?
Today though, I am sitting here just seething. I'm seething because my son Jackson thinks that copying five words out is the equivalent to having his toenails ripped out with pliers one by one. I am seething because my sweet daughter Abby is kicking her little feet and making 5 minutes worth of homework last 45. I am seething because my ex husband did not return my son's piano book, so he has nothing to practice with all week. I am seething because I feel as if I should have figured out by now how to peacefully navigate the homework/after school thing and I haven't.
Now because I am a woman I can tell you this. I was not seething 10 minutes ago. I will probably not be seething by the time I'm done writing this blog entry. Right this second however, I am in an incredibly large, all consuming seethe. My teeth are clenched, I dislike 2 out of my 4 children, and my traitorous mind is saying "you really need to go find something composed of caramel and chocolate and eat it as fast as humanly possible". My head is pounding in time to my heart somewhere right in the middle of my forehead . I know my face has an ugly look on it. I can feel that it is all pinched up and tense. Why is it that I can get SO angry SO fast, and then be happy as a pig in slop 30 minutes later? I used to be much more consistently mild mannered before I started this whole mysterious thing my doctor calls "peri-menopause",which as far as I can tell means "you are going slowly crazy and are just going to get more so over the next 10 or 15 years until your whole reproductive system finally just shuts down and you at long last feel normal again". (look it up, I'm sure that definition is in the dictionary somewhere!).
Okay, I've been sitting typing about ten minutes and I can feel the seethe passing. Is "the seethe" even a correct usage of words? If it isn't it should be! I'm loving all the children again. My sore clenched jaw is starting to loosen up and I'm slightly less annoyed with all the childish prattle in the background. Also, my reasoning mind that is slowly reasserting itself is happy that I had no milk duds in the house for the last ten minutes. It tells me I should go eat a healthy lunch. It chastises me that it is 3:15 and I haven't had lunch yet. tsk. tsk. I can answer Abby's question with a smile (slightly forced, but it's there). "yes, darling, you can have an applesauce. Of course you can." move the jaw back and forth and try the smile again. okay, that's a bit better. I've been doing this several times a day, this kind of mini rebellion of the good mom. I really need to loosen up or something. Or maybe the kids just need to start freakin' LISTENING to me! oh, did I say that out loud? Did I write that down?
The Tanya Seethe. I'd say not as bad as a Blowup but worse than a Peeve. About the equivalent maybe of a Rant, although my husband would probably tell you that depends entirely on the rant. I'm not fond of them, but maybe for now it's the way my mind and body have chosen to deal with the stress of four kids, a husband, and ex, two dogs and a crazy schedule. Another thing to look into. I'll add it to the list.
Now, where'd I put that darn list anyway?
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Happy Dance!!
I've just met my first two big health goals on the same day! I'm down 20 pounds!!! I've got SOOOO far to go, but right now I have two pre-church happy dances to do. I'm under 220 and this morning I could fit into my favorite jeans! (okay, the big size of my favorite jeans, but still, they aren't stretchy waist old lady jeans). whoooohoooo! I'm very happy. I deserve a reward. what shall it be? what shall it be? I know! I lost 20 pounds and I fit into my favorite jeans!!! Right now, that's reward enough.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Lemons can be sweet.
I went to a women's conference at my church this morning. The theme was "when life hands you lemons". Life handed me a dieting lemon that very same morning when the lunch buffet was set out and there wasn't a thing there without mayo except dessert. I chose a small chicken salad croissant and a piece of lemon cream pie. Not a lot of food. When I was done I was stuffed and not only that, I felt sick. It surprised me a lot. I've only been on this new way of living and eating for about 6 weeks. During that time I've had snacks, and I've had ice cream. It isn't like I've just been eating vegetables, but I guess I've been eating healthy enough that the sweet pie and the fatty croissant was enough to make my body go "ugh! what are you putting in me!" It was a sign to me that I was on the right track. If my body is rebelling over moderately unhealthy eating in small portions then I must be giving it some super good nutrition somewhere. Yay me! I am going to give the credit to my breakfast shakes. They are so stinking healthy compared to anything else I've eaten on a regular basis in many years.
Anyway. I consider it a small victory that my body was unhappy with me and I knew it. I had a protein shake for dinner just now. I feel a lot better. My sister in law just brought over pizza and I couldn't care less. well, mostly. I love pizza, I just don't need to eat it. To me that's close enough to "I couldn't care less" to be a slam dunk. Yep,Lemons can be sweet.
Anyway. I consider it a small victory that my body was unhappy with me and I knew it. I had a protein shake for dinner just now. I feel a lot better. My sister in law just brought over pizza and I couldn't care less. well, mostly. I love pizza, I just don't need to eat it. To me that's close enough to "I couldn't care less" to be a slam dunk. Yep,Lemons can be sweet.
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